Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

18.10.16 | 19.10.16 | 20.10.16
Selfless selflove of what ill’s you 

This will be, the unmentionable times I’ve drafted what it feels like to be the one feeling like impossible has a fleeting chance

Today become one of the days that felt like you can’t handle anything that will disrupt even though you know it doesn’t matter about surroundings, because when this feeling comes to visit this body, its more than just unwanted guest at a private party

Its almost indescribable

You’ll go through vitamins, teas, random shapes, objects, consumptions of disappointment, down this all with complicate in shaking hands n a whole lot of hopeful, you’ll stay this quite frantic as you debate n debate n debate then come music

A playlist categorized specifically for this mood

You’ll listen to the songs carefully chosen out to help this urge this feeling this mood I don’t know I don’t care to unwind outside self, realise once you reach here you’ve gathered your tools, shown your body how to use them although without solution, method, it usually goes something like this

Sleepless nights of record breaking n what is normal

You’ll tire by 4am, come 5am if you’re feeling it all too hard n this body doesn’t know any better, you’ll wake with the sun burning insomnia into your morning, stay in bed with the sheets maneuvering on n off your skin like uncomfortable n unwanted senses

You’ll try not to think

Try not to think about what this is, because thinking makes it more real

It’ll origami identify

You’ll start to brainwash, repeating, you, have this thing that is so imperfect that you have no control over, don’t know when it’ll come n disrupt like its got unfinished left to do n its the only one who knew about its company, you’ll tell yourself to stop being dramatic, tell state of mind to quieten down while you try to think, you’ll put on that playlist once again n close your eyes as you think about it transforming you into a new mood, a new anything, countless songs in n nothing

Its not even enough to be a distraction

The last song plays fading into the silence that fills outside of this body, n you’ll find that this body has started putting actions into words, got you feeling too much unnecessary whip lash, you’ll salt water saturate like you never had control, crawl under the sheets n claw at the parts of you that taint, not pretty enough to be seen, until it stops clawing at the unknowns, at this point hopeless also comes knocking down the door to what feels like lonely

When you don’t understand why solutions are hard to come by when you do the most n the outcome is not showing signs of heal in that moment

I’ve been told this journey of self discovery doesn’t end

That this feeling is always healing

That the answers are hard to find n its hard to control control, n this isn’t lingering anymore, its about survival of what ills you

I’ve decided Im not going to hide it anymore, its so hard to accept this is a part of you, it’s hard to come to terms that this can heal

That even if the answers aren’t clear, its still a part of the process

If theres anything this body has taught me this far into selfless love, is that even in the state of what ill’s you there’s nothing that comes close to hero when you fight for acceptance of self-love

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