Entry #10 Check in + friendship + self(respect). Lets talk about it.

24.7.18

So it hasn’t been that long since I had my last check in here. I must admit I still haven’t been to my psych, and I messed up a little. Because I got so caught up in my head about whether I should really go, and what would remedy really ask me, and how basic would the questions and answers be on both ends. I don’t know if I told you, but I’ve hit a slump with therapy and its been really difficult and exhausting deciding whether to go for at least even one session or nah. So now that I’ve hit a breakdown with my mental health coming onto the first few days I think, (to be honest I can’t even remember its usually is a build up of past present and no explanation) I am really struggling to do anything. Also I am getting super irritated at anyone that tries to talk to me.

On a good note and less memory loss side of things, I am really starting to learn more and more about what it truly means to have self-respect for yourself, and no I don’t mean the basics. I mean the self-respect that comes along with selflessness and selfishness. I’ve really been putting a few people under microscopes obviously not to harm, or set them up for failure although in a way of seeing how or which path even people we deeply care about seeing what paths they take whether it be selflessness or selfishness, regardless of how small or big the situation is because reality is that differs from person to person. I’m slowly learning that often people are not sure and myself included how to talk or highlight their feelings, and I think this is where the situation feeds and grows room for assumptions. Anyway all in all, as a 23-year old hsp, INFJ-P female with major depression, I am learning that it is okay to be selfish and to communicate this. For this record still not there, still very much learning and realising that when someone hurts my feelings deeply from someone I care about so much that I should try and communicate it rather than try to brush it off, door slam them, or spare their feelings in the sacrifice of my own.

When it comes to self-respect, we need to allow room for communication in a compassionate and honest way. This way, both people involved feel respected in a variety of different instances, don’t take these two things for granted. Communication done with compassion and honesty is a beautiful way to go about problem solving with loved one’s, and others.

Side note: I’m really struggling to speak to my mum when I’m feeling depressed. Need to figure that one out, so I can start healing there too.

“thank you for reading.” fh

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

10.7.18 | selfish.

Authenticity is a lost feeling that is desperately trying to be seen by ourselves, pause-, inside this living, borderline in a person that does not listen to backwards words of themselves and understands that they do not have to fit in, there is power in living a truth that makes sheep around you uncomfortable, don’t slander your truth for attention, when you brake a body in order of temptations you have lost to both bodies, you cannot be tested and watch such things and call them fate, entrenched bodies to temptation are a set up for malice, these persons who confuse their black cat see a different 80 20 percent in you while shackled people can get lost in freedom and refuse to check for accountability, when you wish yourself to vanish into tattle tale you can’t leave your morals behind they will catch up to you somewhere in dark corners next to that lie you refused to tell, and between inevitability, authenticity can do that, it can clout your favor and snatch it right under your skin, there is where you will lose control and play catch up with the mind, admitting you never checked, freedom is a bias when it disregards the obvious danger of involvements when it involves others, you’re not safe, you think you’re safe but you’re not safe, you’re still in hiding, the worst kind of person that lies in order for self-benefit knowing its moral compass is unknown danger to themselves first, isn’t it a little ironic, all you had to do was be honest with yourself first, instead of hurting heartbeat-, wait on it.