Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

22.6.18 | a LIVE dream

I’ve been existing and accumulating enough of myself to attempt to understand my two worlds, been at a loss with both sensations both double meanings and its past present form, now its bringing new frame on my clout to its own estranged fantasies, identity has always been a layering conundrum, finding it unfathomable to attach me at such a replaceable pace of words to the parallel of an evolving being, I don’t believe in strict definitions of ourselves when we live in a time warp of unexplored galaxies planets lost spaces enough apart with dream like futuristics you’re capable of being crazy and sane at the same time just the same mind games of what is in fact “normal” and strange to the naked body almost alike, I conclude skies because I believe we’re greater than what already exists, that’s why when I bleed self care and love it is also a sign for the bodies that feel the same ache who struggle to be understood in a world covered with so much mouth and not enough eyes, who fearlessly care for others and forgot about their own breath in the same capacity, empathy can easily turn you into apathy be careful of its schooling, you’re to swear into this body the way it has learnt to adapt in a planet that dose not care about its own healing, lose yourself in minds that explore boundaries from existential bearings these intentions are lacking in both worlds, although the feeling is combined by stranger meanings its masses already stronger and monetized in my dreams before it learns to come to life first, the world is not ready for such love, still suffocating on experiments that are laughable in the presence of those who reap this kind of reward, pause, you’re permission enough-, alive dream.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

baby laughs at herself in a good way, the best days are when I don’t miss mirrors, this reflection is its own kind of temptation, days like this, I think about how anyone puts up with my treasured pride, when I’m feeling this kind of love its contagious I might just tell you my secret and cast spells with my smile, its walking past strangers watching them, they too can’t help but look at all of you like you’re out of this world and you want to tell them you are, I still do the same silly things that make hearts melt, write stories in my mind bringing them to life, this type of revolution is mine and dreamers alike, we tell lovers what we want, we have spent dangerous amounts of time in our own bones we give flowers all its bloom, and spark blue flames-, try not to get burned.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.6.18 \ the L word

I am witness that nothing can prepare to compare when you kiss someone who has learnt to steal your heart charmingly, hands that notice the hiding spaces you quiet down next to them, breathe at the same time to open your world for the L word with your fingertips reaching into their heart and mind, guide them carefully, warn them this wonderland utpoia has been a paralysis of heaven even without their love first, they are the first to be welcomed, you warn them a second time reminding them how this body is selfish when it comes to my love so you tightly hold their hand saying be careful, tell them to speak in trailingual, flowers, speak in the rain and dreams, your secrets are my secrets too now, answer, I have fated us both, choose a kingdom, you kiss them gentley whispering, I’ll be waiting for you right here, so come to find me

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.6.18 \ kissing.

Kiss, I can be nice and I can be casanova, I’ve learnt so well what it means to romance hearts and never exhaust melody of being animate, kiss me and tassle your words tightley enough around my neck wrap your hands with mine, please; and melt me with your rare, kiss, I get bored easily so be careful with my heart, it is bored to death with all the lies and split hearts of ghost words with no erotics, kiss me again, I am warned by her’s and him but I could not warn you enough about me, I’ll giggle into your ear whisk my tongue down your lips to your neck you have been warned about how I get my ways, it’s just one allure after another, bite you back and create fantasy right before your eyes, hands tied behind your back, I am not afraid to show you how much I love, when you love me too-, love you.

Article #4: What do you do in situations that break the body? Infj-p self help perspective.

I’m so scared right now. You know when you know that the things that you know just aren’t going to happen to you, and you are sure that these things can not and will not happen to people like you forgetting you’re not the only loyal, honest, thoughtful, respectful person walking this life time regardless of how few. Yea.

Today (third day now) has been rough in terms of love, mental health and overall health. I like to think of myself as someone who is not so terrible in these situations and all I need is proactive advice, space, and time for myself. Let me explain.

When I found out this situation happened to me like most it was an immediate flash of disbelieve and there must be another reason. This narrative is honestly just a semi calculated breather of what I do and did with situations that I feel make me struggle with reasonable response, solution and over all well-being.

So the first thing I want do to when I notice something is wrong is of two things. One, listen to my body and two, seek the professional help needed. It’s so easy in our generation nowadays to Google a self research in these situations, and don’t get me wrong you’re being proactive for your body and that’s a healthy trait. However, it’s when you start to settle for this kind of help is when it becomes unhealthy. Remember, the internet will always be a black hole ambiguous answer engine, when even from the begin, you are unsure about what your body is trying to communicate with you. So be mindful to listen to your body, and seek professional attention.

The second urgency for me after I’ve listened to my body and seeked professional help, is to have some space. This could mean either having some one I love and trust wholeheartedly to talk to, to wanting my own personal space for my mental health to come to terms with the situation. I honestly switch up between the two interms of order because that’s what helps me the most, considering I’m a fairly private person. Just to sum up the second point, communication with some one you love and trust as well as what will personally help you whether it be time alone, or even speaking to your psychologist. This part is customizable, it’s acting as a segway for you to a healthy alternative reliever.

Then the final thing for me personally after I’ve done all these steps in order, is connect with myself in a loving way. You may know this more clearly as self love and self care. The reason why I put this under these two definitions is because it’s so easy when we are in an unfamiliar situation and head space to start to look at the situation in ways that are damaging to our self love and care; And these head spaces are very dangerous to the body in three parts. One your mind, two your body, and three your core. When I say core I’m stressing characteristics that are important to you and help shape who you are like core values, core beliefs and/or faith and more. For me alone time means to rekindle and remind myself the importance of worth, love, and care. I take time to help the love and care for myself as infinitely as I am able by acknowledging I am in no way perfect, that this is another pivotal learning stage in my life and that it will continue to shape me into a more kinder and diligent person. Not only for myself, but also for people whom I care about the most too. Because I understand I love to also help others find these types of life lessons too, as well as what’s the point of knowledge, if you can’t share it. Also I’m learning over all health also means internal health, being mindful of what I choose to put into my body without being too harsh on it’s soul.

Just to beautifully some up this breather. One, listen to your body and seek professional attention, two, take time in your own way everybody is talented different and lastly. Self love and self care is so important do not ever take yourself for granted. YOU IS SMART! YOU IS KIND AND MOST OF ALL YOU IS LOYAL!!! You’re only human so be gentle with your body, and remember perfection is unattainable and does not exist, because to us all perfection is an indifferent perspective and as good of a stereotypical statemeant and/or judgement as “good choices in society’s standards.” I’ll let that sink in.

“Thank you for reading.” _fh

Check-in: Off my prescription. For good.

“My mental state is shifting conundrum, the space around me is an abyss dream that must include wishful thinking and a playful mind, there are so many words that are full on this body and love has swelled the alphabet whole, chose to keep safe its melody of being animate, titled it me and ran away with its meaning, when you’re in both worlds like this there is no neutral ground, no dream like catch ups, this is your reality, grow with your body.”

25.5.18 | UPDATE | 9.6.18

I’ve been off them for a while now, this was a personal decision after taking them for a couple of months. A lot of things have changed in my body both pros and cons. However, in my experience, while taking the prescription, I felt the cons may not have been more or less than the pros, however, more damaging to my being on a personal level. I say on a personal level because like I’ve said and said I am the type of person that thoroughly enjoys self-improvement on a lot of different levels, as well as an ongoing journey of self-acceptance, love care, spirit and growth. In saying this I have put my honest truth when it comes to my list of pros and cons while I was on prescribed medication for major depression and anxiety. Please keep in mind this is my own personal experience and everybody’s bodies are extremely different.

I’m very well aware that medication assists in helping others live a more aware and fulfilling life so to speak, however, I am also aware that for some it is not always the case. Our bodies are not made the same so something that works for someone else, may not always work for you, so this is where I feel its very important to be understanding about these types of conversations and destigmatize the interactions around mental health; So we can be able to find more and more solutions.
Pros

1. My mood/ energy was peeking.
2. There were less, and if any negative thoughts stopped right in their tracks.
3. I felt lighter when I was around people.
4. I most of the time felt present and really happy.
5. There were so many highs I felt like this is who I am, which gave me confidence in myself.
6. My mind, my thought process had never been so empty, I felt so much lighter.
7. I was able to not be so harsh on myself.
8. It helped a lot more with my anxiety.
9. I grew comfortable in not having to always be so intense about everything and blowing things into crazy proportions even though the situation or whatever it was was really not that deep. I liked the energy and mood of being neutral, it was the closest balance I had ever felt in my life and if felt damn good.
10. I didn’t want to admit to this, however being on this prescription allowed me what I like to call ‘clear choice problem solve’ where I was able to make choices based on my bodies entirety rather than its fear. Whether it was abandonment or self-worth, I was able to make somewhat wise and less harmful decisions towards myself.

Cons

1. I was having a lot of lost memory in the moments I was high off being so present and happy. Even though I was more present, I felt as though I was not really there. The best example I can give is rather than living in the moment I felt like I was trying to hold on to existing.
2. I was always very tired and sleepy even way after the six week mark.
3. I was having a lot of unexplained paralyses as though I was for sure in another scene in my life but in reality that was not the case, I was extremely scared. It got up to a point where I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t anymore.
4. Because the prescription is the type of medication that releases the ‘good feeling chemicals’ in my mind I almost felt not myself at times, as in there were so many highs but I couldn’t keep true to my body and was almost neglecting a huge portion of myself. And when these realizations come up I strongly felt like the medication was like “no this is a negative thought triggered by your depression” and before I could even decide for myself the thought was gone and in a sense, I, felt like I was cheating my body and myself.
5. I didn’t feel anything. Even at the times where I say I’m happy they were more boosts of energy and mood but I can never truly say they were feeling. I was like a robot almost. There was no real balance it was just this clean slate of energy and mood highs that I didn’t have a second to myself about being, well, human. I know this sounds very strange and what not but for me, this was my experience with the prescription and for everybody it is different.
6. I really honestly lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore because I was almost not allowed to think or have any sort of space and time alone, and when I think about it it was something along the lines of triggers maybe. I’ll never really know to be perfectly honest.
7. I was almost never hungry. I would literally forget to eat, and if I did eat it was because my body was aching, not because I was hungry or even wanted to eat.
8. I started to feel dependent on the prescription. I felt like I couldn’t be happy or “normal” if I wasn’t taking them. And it got up to the point where I would have panic attacks. This also happened while I was buying the prescription once.
9. I felt as though I couldn’t or was slowly losing the ability to express myself not only in my writing but I was just always happy and light nothing less and nothing more. There was always this need to be neutral about everything.
10. Majority of my problem solving are to do with only one organ in my body and that is my heart. I can’t even begin to explain to you how many times I’ve hurt myself problem solving this way; this right beside depression is a whole other destruction all on it own.

“thanks for reading” _fh

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.5.18 | SH****.

Infinity, its started again, pushing love away so that I won’t have to explain myself and I stopped going to see remedy, I’m having trouble understanding the same solutions there’s nothing left to talk about, so I took a break, I had been told and asked to take prescription, but I found it funny how it made me feel worse, food was not even a priority, I gave it up because it was the quickest painful silence I could show, like here, please look at my pain, and tell me it gets better, I started coughing out these happy pills I could taste them in my breath my body was refusing to accept their help, my mind was no where to be found the two souls were forgotten and mistreated, the heart was slowly dying, and my body fought for a feeling, to be alive, it despised its name and told me this is not the answer you’re looking for, I chose not listen to the only thing healthy enough to fight for my health and now I’m in and out of gp’s like the silence in their rooms, I’m trying so hard to be noticed and cared for like my childhood is still gasping for air, I feel my child like self-resurfacing and causing fitna in their hearts because I want so bad to be noticed and cared for without having to cry for help, right now, I’m sitting in my car, confused about what the right thing to do is, wishing I had never tried temporary happiness in substitute for food, like all I knew was to never miss its white lies, to never over look my bodies cries, I just feel lost at this point, feels like there is no other way to drain out the pain because I’m not brave enough to cut out the evidence so this is another way of surviving too,- the only peace I have gained back is, I can feel my body again.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

15.5.18 | in sync

I create utopias out of nothingness how many more can say they are this type of dangerous when you reach beyond skies you melt into its masses there is no such thing as predictable I’ve always envied those who find themselves in chaos so I learnt how to breathe into this world the way a heart breaks and blood over shares.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

10.5.18 | sleepy love

I can’t help but feel like I’m so lost and found there is no middle ground and it’s tearing at my heart, there’s a lot of this love for what doesn’t exist, I want to be in a place where I’m not afraid of anything somewhere in his heart and close to me, just want to know what its like to trust someone you can fall in love with again, that dreams don’t have to stay dreams, I wish shooting stars were as often as the rain, I can feel the way a kind of body craves its own connection and affection the way it learns to want a love that can need it as much as its own breath how there is no such thing as too much you become their heart and their breath at the same time, so you can make out, you’re not the only one capable of such loyal caliber, show this body worthy of what her words mean, dip her in the same ache when her name sweetens your tongue, remember her favorite things are the ones you can not touch, she is both your best and worst kind of love but I swear she will love you harder than any lover ever set fire your body in ways that can not be physically touched but set on flames by the mind, even you will start to wonder how is it that she is this soft and still a flame all at once,- confess.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.5.18 | mapenzi wangu

Come and find me, I like being lost too often it settles the body and rest assures the mind, it has learnt and unlearnt a lot of life, introverted behavior is an abyss of the sky and a melting pot of what ever the mind is capable of, and this illness is a drowing thing that has attacthed itself to me and called it mapenzi wangu, when we sometimes feel lost we are actually learning to be found internally which is why we say we are disconnected this way to the world in the first place, my friends are my reality oasis for the most part, when I hit this close to home I start to see people I reconnect with and kin to family they are my all important parts of my heart I cannot easily let go which means I also want to get close too or too close, unfortunately, I find it hard to let people into my world and I’m convinced that maybe they start to feel disconnected and tricked with me, when these kinds of worlds clash I try to explain to them my abrupt magic tricks and that loving them are the parts of myself that make me feel the most sane, I hope that they do not fall out of love with me, I want to let them see that sometimes I get 10g or more away and they are the ones who bring me back most of the time, I hope they don’t give up on me, when they ask if I’m okay or how I’ve been I can only manage to say words that won’t make them worry, there is so much and not enough of myself for me to help them understand the things about this breath that I’m not already trying to abrakadabra for myself,- ni angalia mimi, ona hapa, maisha hii hapa ni yangu sitaki kubadilisha, nataka kuendelea kama hii hapa nimejifunzia kuamini na kupenda yangu hapa pia,- look at me, see here, this life here is mine, I do not want to change it, I want to continue like this here I’ve learned to believe and love me here too, mapenzi wangu.