Gratitude Diary Entry #ine

“Watch this space, watch her mind make chaos and her hero it back to a kind of superpower, she is the resilient nourishing flower, the sign of hope, the feeling of hope, she is her own hero to this kind of a body that knows very well how to personalize a type of noose, she is the begging saviour a rescue to her own survive, this strong, a type of moonlight, the twin hype to starlight dust, she is learning by herself so well, who else can say they have done this, who else can say they are surviving the smartest organ in their body, who else is this much self-care, tell me who”

I get a lot of questions about why I go to the city by myself and what I do there, the simplest answer is because sometimes my body likes to be alone.

I’ve been doing this for a while now, and for me personally, its become a little therapeutic in a way. I mean it away for my body to maybe find calm in its chaos both inside and outside of the mind. Sometimes I come to the city sit in the library and binge watch anime with snacks like I was at home in my own room except I’m not in my own space. For the longest time now I’ve always found it so fascinating, and also challenging to be comfortable in my own skin, my own body and mental, basically to be my truest self, and every day I am still learning.

I mean its a way for my body to maybe find calm in its chaos, both inside and outside of the mind. Sometimes, I come to the city sit in the library and binge watch anime with snacks like I was at home in my own room, except I’m not, in my own space. For the longest time now I’ve always found it so fascinating, and also challenging to be comfortable in my own skin, my own body and mental, basically to be my truest self, and every day I am still learning.

I find people intriguing so I go somewhere where there will be new people most every day, somewhere that is not always so familiar because familiar gives me anxiety too. I’m trying to teach my body a type of comfort and calm when I sense a breakdown, and for the first couple of months, I was really struggling to be around myself and come to terms with what was going on, and why I was breaking down. Even though I was not always sure most of the time, the times where I was sure made me feel capable and in control of my own body and mental even if it meant it was a little or not enough. I started to reward myself for the little victories I made towards my own self-care, and this is how I’ve survived to where I am now.

Being grateful is a beautiful thing. But being grateful for your own care, love, happiness, body, mind, emotions, energy, wins, rewards, failures, existence, survival, space, mental health, your own sense of hope and beliefs is something to truly celebrate the most.

You’re as powerful, loving, resilient, kind and nourishing as your own practiced self-care and trust me they will notice it once you start to believe and practice it. You’re worth all the effort ALWAYS.

Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for my self-care.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

7.9.17

When your body learns to encrypt and put codes into the body to protect yourself from yourself you slowly learn that there has been a death in this body before, watch how close the mind likes to play tricks on the body trying to expert its codes to find release outside of this body, you’ll find this illness is fast between dreaming fable and lost in the present how confusing it much be to not see what is right in front of you, that we like to call these kinds of secrets evil, there has been malaise here for a long time now, we’ve become so familiar to the way it likes to hide so deep into the body make you forget who you are, and your memory is the blink of a second, only to look in the mirror and find traces of your bodies past its parts in the crators of the eyes, deep set skin aging with forgotten and hidden you didn’t know, you’ll look at the lines in your palms touch your skin like its familiar-, remind me of how much I don’t know about self, a being to this body that it is ill, that we have to write this way to bleed out its words, it has always been this way this was the only way since I was 10, can feel how tight it has been to breathe around here, still ashamed of being this kind of unpleasant, its not normal to be like this, talk to the body in second person, we aren’t allowed to be this weak, dreams that can be caught up in the mind are not the same as the types of malaise that are seen, that scar normally, have always been ashamed of being this kind of existing-, afraid that you’re a lie, that this is all just a dream, it has never been about sympathy, but rather empathy for what can not be completely understood.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

7.9.17
A time lapse conversation with depression (conscious, body and me..)

what did you do today, I spilt out of my bed without resting this body well, the mind stayed indoors too late, couldn’t sleep so we found irritation in this being, what were you thinking about, even if you ask me I don’t know there’s been too much that fell out of my control, to understand an intensity with the mind in a lapse I wouldn’t know where to begin, and yes you can say the beginning but there was no beginning nor end it just happened, I was still awake, okay so how are you feeling, I feel, heavy, numb, frustrated and blank at the same time, okay so when did you start feeling like this, well from what I can manage it was as soon as I left remedy, but you know I was fine I didn’t feel this heavy, so what are you thinking about now, well now I’m looking over buildings grey skies with blush blue hues, not at home had to leave, I felt so trapped, changed my surroundings so quick, now I’m listening to passion pain and demon slayin the body is talking on its own I’m not really here, it does this often, is there anything else you wanted to say something you want her to know, just, I just want her to live I want her to know that I want her to live, there is nothing I can say when she is feeling this way words are not enough, the mind is weighing down on her too much she can’t see anything all she can do is feel the mind, I just want her to know she can live, there is no wrong way of doing this pace your health you’re not in a race with the mind let it exhaust its reality I want her to know she doesn’t have to get involved she just has to watch this intensity pass, I’m here for her I just want her to live.

Article #3: Why is mental health so misunderstood?

5.9.17 | 6.9.17

Mental health is an interesting topic. I find that its so hard for the person going through their own mental health journey to talk about their mental health. If I’m being honest, it’s partly society, kin and few other factors. I want to personally tell you what happens when someone you deeply care about doesn’t understand your mental health, and how I reacted to connotations along the lines of ungrateful.

Before I get into the article I would like to properly introduce myself, as always.
My name is Fatma, I am a 22 year old woc who has had clinical depression for 2 years or so now, and like most with mental health I took my time denying it as I researched what being depressed meant in every way shape and/or form. This means what it looked and felt like, but honestly mostly anything that would explain how I was feeling internally at such a mass intensity. I sat with the intensity for years before getting professional help. I am also an INFJ-P, daughter, friend, sister, self-care, mental health creative writer and possibly other sub headings that I can’t think of at the moment.

A couple of days or a week ago I told a friend of 8+ years about getting an interview for David Jones that I had applied for months ago. I told her that I won’t be going to the interview because we both know what happened when I worked in the sales industry not so long ago prier to this email, and it has now become a trigger I told her. I was expecting for her as my friend to see where I’m trying to come from with my situation.

To my confusion she was so shocked, and said that I’m acting along the lines of ungrateful and I looked her dead in the eyes and said

“what’s the point of me going to an interview that triggers me mentally. I don’t think its about being ungrateful. I’m trying to take care of my mental health and myself.”

And immediately she said “..I mean it’s up to you.” like I had a choice. I’m not trying to talk ill of her nor the situation, but after this conversation I started really thinking about what it is about depression that is so hard to understand. Also because I don’t talk about it with anyone other than my psych,  I’ve learnt to not expect others to understand depression. So to be fair I don’t blame her.

I didn’t know this then, but when she said that my mind almost tucked away what she had said and it was like what she had said was still being properly processed in my mind so that I could think about it clearly in my own time. In the moment although I was immediately internally irritated for a split second but not angry, because lord knows being an INFJ-P type it takes me time to react properly to situations most every time. I wanted to properly understand why she would say something like that to me knowing very well my situation and that she is a very close friend of mine. So before I could even react emotionally my body and my mind were unconsciously protecting me from my emotions knowing very well this was not usually how I would react.

From that day on I had started to get really depressed and each day it just got worse. I was frustratingly trying to unpack why on my own for an exhausting month. Then with my psychologist, we unpacked how I was feeling piecing together what was going on inside my head to figure out the trigger was mentioned by a friend, and my mental health was still reacting to the words said. In that moment, I was so shocked I couldn’t help but break down and everything I held back just overflowed out of me.

Even though I said I was done crying from others words, understanding that this is not what they really mean because to others, they don’t know how mental health functions in the body so for them its usually not that they really mean it, but rather they don’t understand its intensity and manifestation of their choice of words while talking to someone who is ageing through mental health.

What I would really want to challenge is why is it that we aren’t actively talking about mental health.

What are we so scared of?

We as a race don’t understand how it completely works, and for the person who is going through this internal battle all they do is everything they can to help themselves.

I strongly believe talking about mental health is so important. It may be uncomfortable for some however, this is only because as a society we get to decide what is of importance and mental health is without a doubt one of those justices.

Think about it like this. When we are in pain what’s the first thing as human beings we do as the kin, we listen, want to comfort and we want to help. So, why is it that when someone is going through mental health the same thing isn’t practiced? We all want to do what we can to make the people we love and care about around us feel accepted and trusted, mental health is no different.

 

Thank You.
Fatma Hussein

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

3.9.17 – 4.9.17 | Me and my body

When I learn my triggers, I am learning what its like to sit in burning building, teaching my body to feel at this intensity is not to always be understood by others, that when we become critical about how we exist its really important to welcome how its been sparked, watching characters in the form of love speak about clinical like its not capable of death in bare hands, as though the body isn’t also teeth trying to protect, witness words like ungrateful leave bodies its enough to remind this kind of being unwelcome, reminding how human it can be to silence its existence, this body knows how its remembered with words that make it feel like they are invisible, like their feelings aren’t on purr and this is when the teeth are bared and devoured at the parts where hurt is the most tender, is when my body will once again bare teeth at them instead and maybe you regret to have opened its mouth, but never apologizing for the way it is feeling, come to remember how close we have seen death, that we are human beings learning to live with an illness that is not ready for this world, have to remind ourselves that we are worthy of our intensity even though we still don’t sing them loud enough for our bodies to sleep at its comfort, to never apologies to any confirming kin nor love sharpen their words in the name of connotations such as ungrateful to listen to this body, to help kin understand this clinical, to help you understand this clinical, that being sick this way is not a dream, their is malaises here, awakened fable, mindless narrative, an unconscious bond between me, and my body.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

3.9.17 – 4.9.17 | A Conversation

I had a conversation with the way Im feeling, told a friend that we are all existence to our own and that we fear so much, that we are all wanting someone to need us the way we need love, talked about the flow and symmetry of both its constraints, how we believe and spoke words that were the kind only awakened by the body, such truth, had a conversation about ourselves, about how the human body can lie, can lie so easily, gave each other meanings to the word family and real love, told her how I am still learning to mend broken hearts, remember telling myself the same advice, something like time, like my own experience, like she is worth all the love, like can’t you see it too, like how is love really blinding, like tell me what is real love, like the way we learn to befriend oceans and not our body, can’t see how much it protects, told her what I have been trying to tell myself, it was somewhere between heated conversation I taught my being too, what love could be, what I thought it looked like, how it should be treated, something so beautiful about how we love, that our being is a personality of how we choose to show love we care, sometimes too much, sometimes that we leave with broken hearts thinking love needs a second chance but we forget, that we are love the most, that when you can be this honest to self, and show love how honest you can be is learning to exist unapologetically..

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

30.8.17 | Temporary 

Been circling the idea of temporary, a moment so intense it almost feels like its going to last, how do these moments decide their own, are we able to see it coming, how much should we invent into their moment to know if it lasts, if there’s a real chance, sometimes we can’t tell and all the uncanny match up and by then we’ve done too much, such an intense feeling, of not wanting to let go, of not wanting to let go even though they are a bad habit, how long are we allowed to stay this deluded, the dreamer in me is always played for a fool, the calculated oasis in me says you knew how this was going to end, to not trust the body is to play yourself, to play with your feelings, but it is not your fault, as human beings what are we supposed to do when we desire, an intensity so strong we dwell so deep, we didn’t even realize it was this bad until they stopped trying-, I’ve been circling the idea of temporary, moments so intense its going to last, moments decided their own, able to see it coming, we invest into their moment, there’s a real chance, all the uncanny, an intense feeling, wanting to let go, they are a bad habit, allowed to stay, the dreamer in me, the calculated oasis says this was going to end, trust the body, your feelings, its not your fault, human beings, we desire, intensity so strong, realized it was this bad, they stopped trying, been circling temporary, moments so intense, this fear grows.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.7.17 | Self belief now…

Can you imagine if someone told you all you have to do in life is create yourself, learn to grow from the things that we are told are so taboo that they aren’t true, imagine, if all we had to do was love, nurture such care strum its vision into our dreams and god told you all you have to do is create, that its possible to believe in yourself and have an illness that isn’t visible to the naked eye, would you believe it, if I told you that you get an untouched day everyday, that this kind of warmth comes from you, what if I told you that when characters tells you you’re sparks for motive and its these kinds of words that make it worth it, like you’re doing magic with your bare hands, has the strongest ability to change self belief, interactions that are the sweetest compliments a form of your own motivation and self belief there really is nothing like it, make another light and your own by believing in yourself first.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

22.8.17 | 23.8.17
Rain.

They say that human beings can’t live on their own, better to have real solitude so it doesn’t matter if Im there or not, said, you’re just afraid from abandonment, you’ve distanced yourself from a lot of things, the real things, rain, the way we love is a comfort to both lover and me, rain, how much it takes away the pain when lover is gleams of the star light and moon light dust rain, that this abyss of existence is slowly eating away at this body, wanting to get lost in its dream it is not afraid, has known too many black holes that have not been seen in the same hope, much like a bitter sweet boy, like how his words are so sweet he forgets that he has to match them words silly, when he tells you wishes like we belong together smile at him and tell him you do not belong to anybody but this one, rain, how I could let this goddess planet cry for every time I have not been brave enough to feel this bodies blues, too afraid of being called broken, scared, that this mental state could be a living thing, is it not stuck to this body enough, maybe, how it knows not to give up like this body does, rain, when I heard my first suicide poem I watched it so many times I replayed the whole 3 minutes in my mind, closed my eyes and become submerged with words that leapt out of their mouths and into mine, my being a resurrection, rain, for every time I look at my older sister, my baby sister and baby brother, rain, when I learn that parents are human too, rain, when I learn that I am human too, can’t see this magic hidden in a broken mirror shards that bleed at the attempting of picking up my pieces, hold them up against the sun light between dreamers and careful words, among friendships and that boy, rain, because you’re allowed to feel and nobody can take that away from such compassion that has been berried for self, keep it safe don’t get lost in its downpour, breathe in this fresh air, open your eyes and see it for all its chaos, give it permission, rain.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

18.8.17 | Kind

Been rationally drowning self in understanding how it is you love someone and whether words that learn how to cut tongues and bind itself to narrative that live in the masquerades of awkward glances, side way smiles and pretty words, how we, are watching love move, and dip its self first, is this really love at all, capable of taking such an intensity by what you seek rather than what you see, I mean, if we really think about what it means to love someone beneath the surface of what is in our horizon and feel, one of the unambiguous confessions left honestly is what we seek, I’m not repeating about the way we configure tangibles and intangibles, I’m begging what varies, the in between instances where when we make a decision without a seconds thought, immediately play a mental monologue of what we think we saw in love, and there, caught in the gloss memoirs of what we seeked to begin with, in them, holding onto hidden between silver measures of their imperfections, reminding them and ourselves of how fragile we can all be, the human heart beating at each attempt, always, do we really know love at all, what Im really trying to say is a friend once told me, don’t be in a rush, and I remember looking at her and thinking, those are words I have memorized for myself before.