Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Damned Dream/er. | 21.01.20

I tell them all I am fearless most black cat dreamers will know how I mean, this code done been tried to break on me the world seems so small from here, an existence of green and blue are we lost on what we have built all this time, the way I move is no misguided effort, I have come close to so much every time I am here, I am met with myself and a cable anarchist mind, freedom is a beautiful privilege, I dream alone, I am told the best place I also find solitude is in my own focus, I am milkyways away from my reality being present and centered has always gotten the best of my both worlds, when my eyes are open most of the time I am not here I am inside of me, when you learn to find abnormal solitude within yourself this way it can also easily be your quickest determent, not everything is a good distraction and not every distraction is detrimental, we are needed into places we did not even dream of falling into yet, so many lights years away up here and when we walk with our eyes opened we see inside of us, what does that say about our present about our unconscious consciousness how do we like to fly this high, a warm body with icy words, a flow of unbreakable failures, and an air about her grin, so often I have to remind myself who I am so I can do what I was fated to live before I leave this planet for good.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

A whole Avator. | 6.1.20

You know the more I think about it life is really interesting but cliche, so much of what happens is always a balancing measure of classifications, sass of what has already happened and what could happen, there’s so much we still don’t know about the world we breath into sometimes we don’t understand how we could also take this for granted in this reality it has been told we are temporary being roaming a vacancy with out a time span told, most if not more than it may actually seem like a freedom landscape of how you would like to use this body until you’re unknowingly passing, I’ve been hearing about the importance of teaching death and I remember when I was a child how I saw it however in the context of faith, I remember being so scared about it not because we would all one day pass, that I will one day pass without being remembered in a way that fulfilled my soul, I remember feeling if I die how do I want to be remembered for who I dreamt of being and became, so often I am in a dream state and I wonder about my two different realities and how they meet this way, I look at love and wonder if he sees my dreamy eyes alive in me too, so much to live for and again we are reminded the importance of taking care of our body well here, reminded again to extend it to our soul too, to be remembered into ourselves is the best kind of gratitude I want into my whole being first, I have chosen a life of growth and love this is my ultimate down pour, my final season always ends in softness and humility, here are some kind words heard to live by, give your life meaning, a friend is the sight of whom gives you joy, do not rely of hope, focus on a certain task and let all our efforts go to that task, the ability to pay attention, when we don’t depend on the opinion of others we become free, balance solitude and being in crowds, solitude retires in ourselves, and lastly the mind needs relaxation from time to time live a life worth living than a life worthlessly lived, you’re more than what you fool yourself to believe, we have all been found into ourselves before the only reason we feel lost from its feeling is when we loose within ourselves without balancing out our serenity tranquillity.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Collins St (Location: Dreamy book shop.) | 4.12.19

I’m never scared of it at all, I’m not the kind of person who cowers into moonless rope rooms, the ways we speak our love language into existence has always been carried by our way of purple hearts, never to be timid into the aftermath words and its drift importance we all have our part to play, they are not who I am nor who I could also be, they exist for my own disposal and for you to me, my lovable point of respectable kink is to speak to love as is to close my eyes and vanish into the real world, I am the playful character with purple skin she is loving living her life here too, she loves effortlessly without telling love until she hears a familiar feeling her purple heart is both fire and water she knows this too well, every word has a sweet tenderness, a taste of the way it curves and learns to overflow in the mouths, so many planted seeds we open our eyes and walk right into our dreamscape here too, the irony is both intended and wishful, we are always this whimsical after spending loving time with love, we imagine our chosen solitude the real purple print, the combination of beautified awareness does not have to be something we are afraid to affirm because baby scares the unknown too, the mind, body, spirit, truth and unity all within one soul this is what bliss could also look like, I have said this more than I can ever care to admit, words are fooled with double meanings never not what you think it could also be, there is always a ways about it all, do not be a fool for and with human made’s-. At times I wonder at how I view love, I look at it in me and wonder about its intensity, I look at its devotion into others and wonder about its passion, then I wonder about its future, what does love really want from us, and I can’t stop hearing my mind, my heart tending to my mind thoughts, the twins present here too and I watch them say “enough.” We are all at a lose when we come to truly know about the harshness of how we look at who we are trying to connect ourselves to words sometimes more to who we are becoming, its so stupid simple to let the alphabet eat you alive, fill us up without knowing in us first, you know what I mean?

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.11.19 | Flamed Air.

Flame, I can feel it when you tell me that these two worlds are nothing alike, that I can still fall this far in and not catch myself here, too many times have I begged at freedoms air, I can see it how we are worlds apart and only here can we find ourselves more into us first, when you make words look so easy misplacing its reality into this world here first you’re loosing my sparked soul more each wasted breathe more inside of my world here first, this fire sweet type of intimacy is hard to lie into, those who understand the attention that fire brings burning in the rain know how it holds space, know a soul this unconditional you would never want to loose her telepathy, in her eyes, when will we learn more into mistakes, our pleasures deepest desires, minds of capable awakenings only to be silenced by themselves first have they forgotten their dream here too, have you forgotten how to be with yourself too, many sky’s ago I felt your warmth here, this is the first time I am truly giving my breath the permission it needs to what is means for me to let you go energetically, we are two souls bound to each other allowing and living different life paths, destined to smoke us alive depending on how we love unconditionally, we’re majoring about what it honestly takes for and from our soul within, deep down your inner child is blocked within walls, is still forced to look into their mirror and face their feared psyche of being loved or lover, how this is also finding its way to ground us both sometimes, I am a sparked flame to her own here the most, you were stolen air tightening around my neck, she is learning to ash what is left resting in her about you as she give my being to her highest self, I never want to stand still this way longer than I have out grown a type of love, you can not learn to waste your worth even when you feel it’s divine-. If you meet a soul that does not know how to choose themselves first, well, you’re walking into calculated direction, you’re only able to love the way you’re still unconditionally yours first, we know this too often, it is only until we read this out loud we are able to hear ourselves clearly, over, and over again until we are able to hear it clearly over and over again. -A Mantra.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

To date. 5.8.19

I confess, I don’t want to admit this too loud, so won’t you come closer, I want to madly share with you what I have found to love as hard as you wish you wouldn’t, I’ve been holding this in so much I am not sure why my heart had began reaching for yours this restlessly now, it feels like for so long we may have thought we would not make it here, and now we may be two souls that have found each other yet again, so my heart is breaking asking me it has to be more than fate, believe that when you have felt like you can’t remain without this feeling too you start to believe in dotting motions like love again, you start to understand that whole bodies are more than a specific guise of a person, I read somewhere that destined to meet mirror each others reflections and I think this might have some sight to it, I never really stopped believing in love I thought love stopped believing in me, funny how love likes to find us late in the morning, likes to wake before the light of a new day, how this feels like long before the beginning of time, strangely uncanny how some of us are as dreamy as passing clouds as hopeful hearts, how we have been found to believe everything happens for a reason, thought you left these floating feelings when you stopped looking up at wishing stars, I find myself writing you into my existence even when I don’t mean to, even when I don’t cast to love you this hard how does a heart loose a love this blue planet of ours, -I gave affirmations the way I breathed into this 3D reality, how canny is spring in late November meeting such an air about her fire-, she knows about what it means to be scared while in love with wounded hearts on paths damned with self, she is living proof, knows we don’t need anybody sometimes we are still scared of being lost or running away, for her much like her anchored planet, for him much like a brave placement into compassion about matters of the heart, a type of softness that doesn’t believe in love anymore maybe they have this in common, her a future and him a past, how cycles learn to repeat its intended sucker, this is all her luck, she can feel all this impatience into her and his hand soft on her heart, he will never know this secret season is so typical, seasonal love ended with him some time near her high feminine vibration she claimed to feel his heart some time ago, a home that is not here, a patient masc with high vibration, his air is a speechless sent and shes back to where she had almost began-, The thing with energy care when it comes to love is that they are the almost explained without mantras, without being motivated by knowledge, reflection and intuition-, A love without being intuitively self aware is a love manifested to be karmic, and maybe this too is still, maybe I am madly wrong and I just can’t seem to let go as much as I think to will it.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

26.7.19 – silver. (Observing) Rain (fear.)

Lately I’ve been thinking about clearly understanding my freedom, how this integrates with my interpersonal relationships, I told my heart I wanted to see this for all it had ready in place knowing I may be asking for too much, when I think about the connection between people I think about when I was ten, I think about what I did to learn how to walk with my mouth panicked, back then I was left to believe that this is who I am and that being quiet was being naive, that being naive was having no voice of my own, I used to write myself into a place I was learning to fit into and more of myself here, I was being taught about how the world works and what it could be without my being existed, I started writing dreams of observational moral sanity, this is where I began trail and error of my true identity, I wrote into worlds that only I knew of and how they could teach me about being here, I found so much ease into myself this way, it wasn’t until I grew into my own world and outside of the reality present that I learnt what a panic attack could look like into me, the nights when my heart was racing and I silenced it without asking about its ache I lost my pree years telling myself to stop feeling, the following nights where I suffocated on my own tongue exhausted from existence right hand on my heart I was telling my breathe to swallow its own hurt, I was never taught what it meant to live through panic attacks and each time I have one now, I use words into myself the way I love, the way I learnt to use into my dream world first, I constantly reminded myself that we have always seen the world for it’s honourable potential, that this is a rare gift, on most days I beg my body for its affection the way I learnt to walk away from heartbeats that know how to break our heart,- On my 24th birthday I wished for my own life and more dreams, I wished for growth and more courage, when rainy days came I counted my gratitude’s so well kept, I told my body look, look how far we have gotten, I remind her that we are stronger together and the artist in me is the child who survived her own volition and fear of out of control-, Sometimes, I will do nothing on days that have learnt to cripple my mental state the most or my mental state or me, having this kind of imbalance reminds best of my senses, it reminds me that being this self aware is worth every drop of our magic, to be live on survival with depression and anxiety into us promises our ability to feel the world this intellectually observant.- With this Spring in Late November, and the help of this worldly reality I will have broken myself tirelessly timelessly to reach my soul, and I would do it all over again.- it hurts.

Entry #15: I want to tell you exactly what happened to me today, while trying to leave the house + you should know this was not the first also psa I usually cry about it alone..

22 july 2019 at around 2pm – 230pm – Spring in late November.

I had built up frustration for months and feeling unsettled within myself, so I set out on this day, a Monday to self care by going to Dymocks at collins st book store to have coffee browse around, read and walk back and forth wanting to buy more books.

My morning started out pretty alight. I was still stuck with that type of uncertainty and off mood/ irritation but honestly I had been waiting for this Monday for a few days now and I was determined to leave the house and head into the city. So I meditated with the headspace app for 10 minutes before I did anything else, gathered my energy to getting ready for my self care day as planned. It took me longer than what I had decided on, I kept doing small things like changing what I was wearing, feeling conscious about how my body fit into my clothes, and wanting to take advantage of the winter sun I put on my make up looked at my eye shadow criticised it so I took it off and applied my foundation over it unhappy but still hopeful, and I packed up my bag pack ready to walk out the front door.

As I closed the door behind me, my headphones in walking to the station I started getting into this mood/ energy that was so strong it started to take over my body. I kept walking and thinking I just need to get onto the VLine and I’ll be fine, I just need to get keep walking I’ll be fine,once I reach I’ll be glad I did this for myself. I needed to believe this so hard. Because I had been staying in my own environment and started to feel stagnant and too comfortable with despair. I walked about nearly half way stopped in my path, looked down I wanted to turn back so hard, its as though my body was begging me with all its got to please turn around and go back and try again with another day locked into my mind. I felt so compelled, I went into the side turn not far from home, stood there and calmly walked back home. I opened the door and I remember thinking I miss seeing my dad, I missed his voice and his big hugs, his laugh and being next to him. So I walked into his space and sat on his chair positioned right outside a window facing our corner backyard. I heard my mum make her way into the space and ask me what was wrong unable to answer her I eventually started crying quietly with my headphones in and her hands wrapped around me. In that moment I knew why I was so upset, I heard words say “I can’t even leave the house” “what’s wrong with me?” my mum asked me again what’s wrong? this time with her eyes red and I just sat there and cried hearing “now you’re worrying her for no reason” I cried some more settled down and walked upstairs sitting on the floor with the sunlight beaming inwards. Mum asked me again something must be bothering you, is it a feeling talk to me I’m here for you is it a feeling she asks again. I look at her my eyes ready to cry again and I say “I don’t know, I don’t know. Im fine, I don’t know what’s wrong.” and I tell her it’s okay I’ll be fine for the fifth time, thinking and knowing I just need time to be alone for a while. And then I got hungry, so I went to an all you can eat with Nadren.

Fatma.

Poetry: Melody of being Animate

17.7.19 – Making decisions for the life of you.

I’m thinking its left for interpretation, I’m thinking be assertive this way in other parts of your gratitude, I’m thinking we are human so no one is safe from broken connections, gusto waves that do not serve our highest beings are simply interchangeable, I’m thinking we all have a default, we all come made unknown, how some of us are curious about what closeness is and some of us couldn’t care less, how our values could be so different we are not human enough or merely human though we see the world in colours, taste in numbers, how some of us couldn’t care less about honesty and others care more about their own hearts, how there’s a way about it all, and there is, we are all the courage to be disliked and some are consistent on using words that change their lives, this way is how I also feel the world, the choice is both a conflict and simple state of mind, nothing makes sense or it makes too much sense and the fear to cower is shown into us, of how unknowing has never been so apparent into our homes this harshly first, suddenly the thing about self is that we are all living proof, some of us haven’t awakened our beats and the rest, well, they are dormant, some sleeping along side them touching heads and who are we,- I’m thinking about being locked up in libraries I could read here forever, this small daydream of mine, I am not afraid to brake or disappear one day, I have to accept this will happen with or without my energy well protected, I don’t ever want to stand still stagnant in how my life is lived, I want to remember my life as the protagonist that lived her own nightmares, the girl who battled her mind and chose life instead of existence, I want to be the person I know I am capable of resurrecting she is dragon bodied belly full blue flames and purple magic re-birthed alike, a brave act each time she faces her self she it met with forms of darkness, her life is the constant commitment of unlocking her own downfalls her courage is the fussy ability of turning them into weapons of intuition, she likes the intensity of the pain that comes with this type of healing, most will not see the importance of this healer, she does not shame her scars, it is the will of her that scars her skin this way the most, this is how she keeps the spark in her life, every word, narrative can be flipped she knows this too well,- So that when I die, I can say I have lived a dangerously envious life.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

14.7.19 – rafiki yangu.

Mother tells me you’re too soft, she tells me her love for me is so abundant that she fears those who I allow into my space, thinks I only see others in magic lights and moon dust, and I want to tell her that yes she is right, tell her that my body has known too much to give up on others and myself, I can bare the pain, told her I can forgive most anything but dishonesty, said that there a many of me protecting my home the ways her and dad taught me second, the first is in my choices, when someone asks my home for my care about advice I am a warm lit room that can not refuse their visits, we have also known these types of vulnerabilities so it is not in me to never listen, my voice has been unheard for as long as I am aware, always known as soft, and not fire, I make sure I look my mother in her eyes and say I have always been both, when you feel your home being misunderstood its this pent up battle you have been having with your past and future self, it is not words you can say without carefully observing about its receiver, it is a misfortune of amber blue flames, the words just don’t seem to come out the way you feel them to, is it not enough to exist through these hardships and come out alive but to furiously bury them, you do not remember yourself to be this way, this is not how your light shadow deals with conflict, there are versions of myself and all of us living amongst these happenings, depending on your spirit, watch your lessons well, when you understand your own down falls and raisings first you understand places of yourself you have yet to over grow, your way of keen for knowledge in the most turbulent consistent way it is not for everyone to grasp if not for yourself only, you do not answer to any being first if not for who you’re healing from first, knowledge is becoming of us all it is how we use it and find its access that gives us purpose in the first place, I can truly speak as someone who allows room for others first it is never an easy task to put myself before those who have had space into my heart, as a forceful dreamer I can honestly advise I am not a home that carries predictability well, so when you come for my soft spots I will gladly return the favor in ways you did not know possible, this is not a warning, it is a gift for your home, and your next choice of honesty.

Article #4: What do you do in situations that break the body? Infj-p self help perspective.

I’m so scared right now. You know when you know that the things that you know just aren’t going to happen to you, and you are sure that these things can not and will not happen to people like you forgetting you’re not the only loyal, honest, thoughtful, respectful person walking this life time regardless of how few. Yea.

Today (third day now) has been rough in terms of love, mental health and overall health. I like to think of myself as someone who is not so terrible in these situations and all I need is proactive advice, space, and time for myself. Let me explain.

When I found out this situation happened to me like most it was an immediate flash of disbelieve and there must be another reason. This narrative is honestly just a semi calculated breather of what I do and did with situations that I feel make me struggle with reasonable response, solution and over all well-being.

So the first thing I want do to when I notice something is wrong is of two things. One, listen to my body and two, seek the professional help needed. It’s so easy in our generation nowadays to Google a self research in these situations, and don’t get me wrong you’re being proactive for your body and that’s a healthy trait. However, it’s when you start to settle for this kind of help is when it becomes unhealthy. Remember, the internet will always be a black hole ambiguous answer engine, when even from the begin, you are unsure about what your body is trying to communicate with you. So be mindful to listen to your body, and seek professional attention.

The second urgency for me after I’ve listened to my body and seeked professional help, is to have some space. This could mean either having some one I love and trust wholeheartedly to talk to, to wanting my own personal space for my mental health to come to terms with the situation. I honestly switch up between the two interms of order because that’s what helps me the most, considering I’m a fairly private person. Just to sum up the second point, communication with some one you love and trust as well as what will personally help you whether it be time alone, or even speaking to your psychologist. This part is customizable, it’s acting as a segway for you to a healthy alternative reliever.

Then the final thing for me personally after I’ve done all these steps in order, is connect with myself in a loving way. You may know this more clearly as self love and self care. The reason why I put this under these two definitions is because it’s so easy when we are in an unfamiliar situation and head space to start to look at the situation in ways that are damaging to our self love and care; And these head spaces are very dangerous to the body in three parts. One your mind, two your body, and three your core. When I say core I’m stressing characteristics that are important to you and help shape who you are like core values, core beliefs and/or faith and more. For me alone time means to rekindle and remind myself the importance of worth, love, and care. I take time to help the love and care for myself as infinitely as I am able by acknowledging I am in no way perfect, that this is another pivotal learning stage in my life and that it will continue to shape me into a more kinder and diligent person. Not only for myself, but also for people whom I care about the most too. Because I understand I love to also help others find these types of life lessons too, as well as what’s the point of knowledge, if you can’t share it. Also I’m learning over all health also means internal health, being mindful of what I choose to put into my body without being too harsh on it’s soul.

Just to beautifully some up this breather. One, listen to your body and seek professional attention, two, take time in your own way everybody is talented different and lastly. Self love and self care is so important do not ever take yourself for granted. YOU IS SMART! YOU IS KIND AND MOST OF ALL YOU IS LOYAL!!! You’re only human so be gentle with your body, and remember perfection is unattainable and does not exist, because to us all perfection is an indifferent perspective and as good of a stereotypical statemeant and/or judgement as “good choices in society’s standards.” I’ll let that sink in.

“Thank you for reading.” _fh