Coming to terms with all the imperfections about yourself, is the key to happiness said some 20 year old girl

ENTRY 4#

12/07/15: My K-pop (Korean Pop) Story

When I was about 10 years old I was nothing but a back drop if I’m being really honest, I was always stuck in others shadow’s, I never spoke to people, if anything people spoke to me, I never had any real friends and I didn’t know anything about myself. It was something I never thought about. At this age I started getting teased for all sorts of things, people asked to touch my hair comparing it to the cushion of a pillow and even sheep fur, at this age I thought it was a complement, nothing more nothing less. I was just happy to get some attention, of what I thought would evolve into friendship.

When I was 11 the bullies became more frequent, my social anxiety become more known through out my year level, which made me want to keep to myself even more. I hated going to school, the sight of knowing that I’ll be alone all day was frustrating and made me feel uncomfortable. I hated being at home too, but my bedroom was my safe haven. I started writing poetry when I was at this age because one day I felt the satisfying rush of not having to constantly bottle up my feelings but writing them down on pieces of paper felt like a friend, I still have them even up until this day.

For me, going to high school was nothing to be proud of; To me it just meant that I’d still have no friends, my social anxiety would peek and I’d be left in a far worse position then what I was left with in primary school.

I was still writing poems at the age of 13, having no one to talk to it was the only way I could communicate what I felt. Being the way I was, shy, socially unable, distant and reluctant to talk made things hard for me, even while I was at home. My fights with my mum got worse by night and it always resulted to me plotting my life away, doing things I only imagined of doing but never putting them into motion.

My sisters always joke about me not being in their childhood and I joke back pretending I don’t know the real reason why, its simple, it’s because

“I was never happy enough to be together with even them, but locked up in my bedroom gave me a little bit of a taste”

Things started changing when I was in year 8.

I met one of my best friends who showed me a whole new meaning to life itself, she was my number one motivator and believer in anything I wanted to do. She was the friend I basically never had growing up, and I was so glad I finally got to meet her.

She is literally my world even up until today! she broke my shell of confidence and in that instant I become a new person I didn’t even know I could be funny. All these new personality qualities I had rushing through me were giving me a new meaning to being alive, I’m so grateful to her everyday I don’t think she even understands how much she had changed my life.

It was in my new process of learning about myself that I found the k-pop world. Flashy, cool gentlemen dancing and singing in Korean in which I feel in love. I’ll never forget it.

I was on Bebo after school and I went on my friends page. Scrolling down her profile I scanned the groups section and I saw this page which read something along the lines of ‘Asians are the best’ I clicked on it cause I wanted to see the display picture. But once I was on the actual page I scrolled down to see what it was about and that’s when I first experienced my blood rush for the right reasons watching a ‘Big Bang Haru haru (day by day)’ music video and from then on it was a snowball effect. I went onto YouTube searched Big Bang and timeless options came up; I listened to all their songs and that’s when I met with my ultimate k-pop group, ‘Super Junior’

The reason I say ‘Super Junior’ is my ultimate kpop group is that I think just like with any other loyal fan you gain a special connection with a band when you feel unhappy about a lot of things, and that band has the ability to make you instantly happy! regardless! that kind of connection can never be broken.

Super Junior become my main source of happiness no matter what, I can say this because it was a fact for me.

They helped me a lot through finding happiness within myself and being the person I am today, they helped mold me into this somewhat confident, sometimes straight forward, happy, learning about herself and what makes her happy kind of person. I have a lot to thank them for, and they don’t even know it.

If I had to leave one person who’s feeling uneasy about themselves or even unhappy is this

“I know its hard, but there is always someone out there waiting for you to meet them so you can be the best person you know you can, always have hope, you’re not the only one. Even now I’m still learning about myself, it’s all about being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to make those mistakes because without mistakes we won’t really know whether it was worth it or not, so it’s definitely worth a try. If you ever need an ear or advice I’m here and willing, never give up”

TimaOUT.

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My year 9 teacher waved at me once, I never waved back, I just watched her car drive away

Entry 2#

When I was in year 9 I was always tied down to my friends at school and my bedroom.

There was an incident that can never leave my memory. I always remember it so clearly when ever I tell others about this story, and each time my enthusiastic exclaiming is always exactly the same; Because as a child who was still learning not only about herself, how to deal with difficult situations and no confidence to boot, was tough.

This wasn’t the first time.

These two teachers were notorious for always shattering and shaming me whether it be in the classroom for everyone to hear or for my eyes and ears only.

I was siting at a corner with three of my friends with books that we had been asked to pick out of the sticker colour coated boxes.

I started reading the book I chose for the second time and the first few pages didn’t interest me at all, so I asked my friend what book she was reading and if I could read a few pages of it because I was thinking of getting another book anyway.

Turns out I passed the first chapter and I was hooked! So I made my way to swap my book for a more interesting read.

The teachers then called us back to our tables and went around asking each of us what book we had chosen.

It came to my turn and as soon I said which book I had decided on reading, right in front of the class Miss Hamilton had looked at Miss Russel and said

“are you sure she can read that..I don’t think she can” 

Right in front of everyone, then they both looked at me looked back and mind you I could hear every word they were saying and so could the whole class.

It was right at that moment that I had stopped reading all together. I remember feeling so embarrassed and dejected I didn’t even know what to do, I literally just wanted to run to the bathrooms and cry.

Since that day I have only read one book, and is in the stimulating process of reading another.

It’s a healing process.

Tima OUT.