These nights I find my sleep has not changed, my problem has always been the difference between my remedy telling me that it could be my personality and not this illness, sometimes I get confused, I remember my heart broke somewhere between your personality and this illness I can’t remember which part took its own life first, I’m kept awake by the problems with myself that I can not seem to fix that stay with my breath and follow me into bad decisions and lost words that are careless and still know how to break even when they come from kin, you can still taste salt, you forgot why you thought elsewhere in the first place, these things just come out you’re looking for help and guidance most a mouth to band-aid them too, sometimes its so hard to stay soft when you’re this ill and lost, there is no beginning or end, it’s a mix up, a false habit you’re trying to erase out of your system these decisions are still plaguing the body and you’re trying to find the correct outlets but your body just will not survive so you give it what it wants even though you know it will hurt you, you become this light that trusts so tirelessly when you see a temptation a way out, and after all this, you’re are left with its echoing words of what you keep telling this body over and over again, what does self-respect look like when you’re ill and stop being 10g away, how do you get your super powers back when you’re watching a wreckage smoke from the inside, how do you save yourself, what does that look like from inside the burning building, you’re a metaphor for yourself how you excuse these decisions, swear you never meant to hurt the body this way, swear you will not do it again but where does it end where do you stop, where does this kind of harm end for you, have you given up, if not what now, what’s next for a girl who has lived until 23, writes from her bedroom window, cries her own love song, doesn’t change her mistakes, and is trying to survive her mind, what happens now, how does she not give up-. What is your answer? What would you tell her?
im i crazy to call identity love.
A self-proclaimed psychosis narration of formatted words to meditate the mind, and at ease the body when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after your blood, breathe, emotion of space that moves within the body is to exhale this frustration of uncomfort attempt to sit with its unjust child like, like adulthood manifested trauma, crazy, another word that is meant for you but is misplaced in connotations, boundaries, and this mental, discomfort, is to sit with it, to watch your own unsolved chaos a black super woman animated hero, like woman like survivor, selflove, you, what is yours, selfcare, you, a super power, irritable irrational behaviors that maneuver in and out of this body like permission to self, like it was normal, what is normal anyway, self, who do I see myself as when and without this state of mind, an actual metaphor of this is the rain, a contradiction of identity and misplaced answers that hit this heavy are to never be forgotten, identity, notice how quick you’re to save your name next to love, identity has always been love, others, there are no others, they are my precious heartbeats each pulse is remembered into my being this way, relationships remind me of flowers in the spring, and the rain, three of my favorite human languages this, its no secret now, habits, loving harder is to admit its self in and out of me these heartstrings are internal external loves, fixing our broken hearts for the sake of our identity, souls, are both in complicated super power love and care, heartbeats is compassionate black super woman a pulsed warning of heartstrings words aimed like identity, self, relationships, always this, it is no secret now, a psychosis narrated formatted words to meditate the mind and at ease the body, when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after you always, always this goes back to love-, lullaby. black woman. identity. heartbeats. and maybe heartstring now too.
its nearly spring.
I’ve always seen myself in different lives, thought about how I could really make a difference in my own way, I’ve thought about what are the chances that we all get into a state of mind that motions our existence how we like to see ourselves how we really see ourselves I think its important to not take opinions that even from our purest depths that choose to eat at this body in sorts of manifestations that are not in correlation of present but past tense and unarmed sometimes, I think balance is a solution to a lot of outcomes, when I think of the narrative surrounding identity its forever entwining with my variables, I’ve learnt that I don’t always have to be strong and who I am is not afraid but has uncanny behaviour that revolves around making kin and those close by my breath feel unbothered by breakdowns that I forget my own body in this space, it had been so long I keep almost forgetting what its like sometimes, when you have tendencies to be cold because you do not understand your own mental you’re practising what its like to be okay forgetting that you’re are an emotionally intelligent being and yes that sometimes means that your smile, your eyes will not match your words but you will still try because you care about how you make kin feel in this presence, you’re trying to break away from the mind and be present, what a contradiction, a life you’re living that is both complicated and compassionate in the same body-, a breakdown. for who. the rain.
4.8.18 | honesty’s ego
I have been capitalizing my spare time with chaos and conversation around a type of self that is coming to terms with a truth, ultimately, when you make mistakes in the blood of others you have to be ready for the imploding downfall of its reparations, there is choice with every intention and sometimes we are so quick to choose temptation over what is the right thing to do, when you cross over truth you cannot call on your name whisper sweet words coated in honey even you are capable of sweet talking yourself into clout, you say you favor honesty, be critical about the way you over share yourself this body is both self-destructive and hope encased in flowers in the same algorithm, you, are not safe from your words remember, choice is a repercussion of its representation, be both gentle and careful when you bark at not only yourself but others, do not sweeten your mistake call it for what it is, this, this is how you heal and sugar cane honesty for its true class, be brave enough to allow uncomfortable into honesty’s pride when you misplace your choices into its ego, deem there will always be consequences for its bark, do not make light of its claim, or be ready for its noise.
22.6.18 | a LIVE dream
I’ve been existing and accumulating enough of myself to attempt to understand my two worlds, been at a loss with both sensations both double meanings and its past present form, now its bringing new frame on my clout to its own estranged fantasies, identity has always been a layering conundrum, finding it unfathomable to attach me at such a replaceable pace of words to the parallel of an evolving being, I don’t believe in strict definitions of ourselves when we live in a time warp of unexplored galaxies planets lost spaces enough apart with dream like futuristics you’re capable of being crazy and sane at the same time just the same mind games of what is in fact “normal” and strange to the naked body almost alike, I conclude skies because I believe we’re greater than what already exists, that’s why when I bleed self care and love it is also a sign for the bodies that feel the same ache who struggle to be understood in a world covered with so much mouth and not enough eyes, who fearlessly care for others and forgot about their own breath in the same capacity, empathy can easily turn you into apathy be careful of its schooling, you’re to swear into this body the way it has learnt to adapt in a planet that dose not care about its own healing, lose yourself in minds that explore boundaries from existential bearings these intentions are lacking in both worlds, although the feeling is combined by stranger meanings its masses already stronger and monetized in my dreams before it learns to come to life first, the world is not ready for such love, still suffocating on experiments that are laughable in the presence of those who reap this kind of reward, pause, you’re permission enough-, alive dream.
13.6.18 |14.6.18| “..i love you too..” playing with heartbeats. warning.
Stop it, you’re looking for love in all the wrong feelings, when the world has tested your patience enough take it as a lesson, do not dwell on its proof rather whip lash it compassion that you have been searching for love in all the wrong places, let your body correct you enough so you can see that these beloveds are not for the faint hearted, allow yourself time you have bruised your heart before and guessed the mind games its enough now, listen to what your body is saying, softly place your right hand on your heart be curious about its teachings this being has shown you a lot of its masks to the wrong kinds of hearts, you know exactly the kind of passion, the ones that like to ghost into mysterious and miss a good thing only to come back wishing at the hearts attempt, you’re not attentive to this body, the other day and time again you have watched heartbeats say they love hearts as you have teased its truth, this snake bite is not for the faint, you listened as they tore at the worth of I love you too attendant their hands are the habit at your hips, this is not new for them, you look at him and wonder what he thinks of as nice, want to score him with its consequences, want to yell at his shameful hands when you privilege love pretended to know its true definition is to beat it into and out your mouth, love is not flowers, its more than hope, you’re not to hope in flowers, nice for what, you point blades at their throat reminding them again to have been warned into this heart, you know exactly what it means to love, wishing you could grab nice by the heart look yourself in their eyes a fire burning through your body and into theirs smile at its reflection and say, I know what love looks like, because I know where it begins first-, do not tarnish and leave hearts broken in trails of your insecurities just because you do not understand its complexities peoples hearts are not for you to need to want and discard like empty shells this is a warning to you, next time, I won’t be so gentle, watch your breath suffocate around my existence-, you have been warned.
I’m so scared right now. You know when you know that the things that you know just aren’t going to happen to you, and you are sure that these things can not and will not happen to people like you forgetting you’re not the only loyal, honest, thoughtful, respectful person walking this life time regardless of how few. Yea.
Today (third day now) has been rough in terms of love, mental health and overall health. I like to think of myself as someone who is not so terrible in these situations and all I need is proactive advice, space, and time for myself. Let me explain.
When I found out this situation happened to me like most it was an immediate flash of disbelieve and there must be another reason. This narrative is honestly just a semi calculated breather of what I do and did with situations that I feel make me struggle with reasonable response, solution and over all well-being.
So the first thing I want do to when I notice something is wrong is of two things. One, listen to my body and two, seek the professional help needed. It’s so easy in our generation nowadays to Google a self research in these situations, and don’t get me wrong you’re being proactive for your body and that’s a healthy trait. However, it’s when you start to settle for this kind of help is when it becomes unhealthy. Remember, the internet will always be a black hole ambiguous answer engine, when even from the begin, you are unsure about what your body is trying to communicate with you. So be mindful to listen to your body, and seek professional attention.
The second urgency for me after I’ve listened to my body and seeked professional help, is to have some space. This could mean either having some one I love and trust wholeheartedly to talk to, to wanting my own personal space for my mental health to come to terms with the situation. I honestly switch up between the two interms of order because that’s what helps me the most, considering I’m a fairly private person. Just to sum up the second point, communication with some one you love and trust as well as what will personally help you whether it be time alone, or even speaking to your psychologist. This part is customizable, it’s acting as a segway for you to a healthy alternative reliever.
Then the final thing for me personally after I’ve done all these steps in order, is connect with myself in a loving way. You may know this more clearly as self love and self care. The reason why I put this under these two definitions is because it’s so easy when we are in an unfamiliar situation and head space to start to look at the situation in ways that are damaging to our self love and care; And these head spaces are very dangerous to the body in three parts. One your mind, two your body, and three your core. When I say core I’m stressing characteristics that are important to you and help shape who you are like core values, core beliefs and/or faith and more. For me alone time means to rekindle and remind myself the importance of worth, love, and care. I take time to help the love and care for myself as infinitely as I am able by acknowledging I am in no way perfect, that this is another pivotal learning stage in my life and that it will continue to shape me into a more kinder and diligent person. Not only for myself, but also for people whom I care about the most too. Because I understand I love to also help others find these types of life lessons too, as well as what’s the point of knowledge, if you can’t share it. Also I’m learning over all health also means internal health, being mindful of what I choose to put into my body without being too harsh on it’s soul.
Just to beautifully some up this breather. One, listen to your body and seek professional attention, two, take time in your own way everybody is talented different and lastly. Self love and self care is so important do not ever take yourself for granted. YOU IS SMART! YOU IS KIND AND MOST OF ALL YOU IS LOYAL!!! You’re only human so be gentle with your body, and remember perfection is unattainable and does not exist, because to us all perfection is an indifferent perspective and as good of a stereotypical statemeant and/or judgement as “good choices in society’s standards.” I’ll let that sink in.
“Thank you for reading.” _fh
15.5.18 | in sync
I create utopias out of nothingness how many more can say they are this type of dangerous when you reach beyond skies you melt into its masses there is no such thing as predictable I’ve always envied those who find themselves in chaos so I learnt how to breathe into this world the way a heart breaks and blood over shares.
6.5.18 | mapenzi wangu
Come and find me, I like being lost too often it settles the body and rest assures the mind, it has learnt and unlearnt a lot of life, introverted behavior is an abyss of the sky and a melting pot of what ever the mind is capable of, and this illness is a drowing thing that has attacthed itself to me and called it mapenzi wangu, when we sometimes feel lost we are actually learning to be found internally which is why we say we are disconnected this way to the world in the first place, my friends are my reality oasis for the most part, when I hit this close to home I start to see people I reconnect with and kin to family they are my all important parts of my heart I cannot easily let go which means I also want to get close too or too close, unfortunately, I find it hard to let people into my world and I’m convinced that maybe they start to feel disconnected and tricked with me, when these kinds of worlds clash I try to explain to them my abrupt magic tricks and that loving them are the parts of myself that make me feel the most sane, I hope that they do not fall out of love with me, I want to let them see that sometimes I get 10g or more away and they are the ones who bring me back most of the time, I hope they don’t give up on me, when they ask if I’m okay or how I’ve been I can only manage to say words that won’t make them worry, there is so much and not enough of myself for me to help them understand the things about this breath that I’m not already trying to abrakadabra for myself,- ni angalia mimi, ona hapa, maisha hii hapa ni yangu sitaki kubadilisha, nataka kuendelea kama hii hapa nimejifunzia kuamini na kupenda yangu hapa pia,- look at me, see here, this life here is mine, I do not want to change it, I want to continue like this here I’ve learned to believe and love me here too, mapenzi wangu.
Its always a question, a statement of assurance, how the things that learn to keep my body, how the heart is a misfortune in this world, where you find solitude in yourself and keep this body close, how you’re able to let others prey into your sweetest spots just so you can see if they are worthy, how the heart has also learnt to mend and brake at this attempt, you’re the breath of its moments, when you can’t hold it all inside anymore you test its limits and give boundaries no limitations, everything is a gamble now, when you’re this intoxicated on a mind you’re lost in thoughts of how to reconnect and spark its soul, I have always been the type of dreamer that fantasize about love when I feel connections with hearts that become vulnerable at my words, that learn some of my secrets, that know how to tempt me in ways not others can, I am left with questions when I feel this way and what does my body do, it convinces me that this confession is not the only honeyed truth I need, so I hold my breath and I ask, how is it that you’re able to captivate my entirety in this way I have to know, and then, I press send.