10.2.18 love-d. Often, I wonder at love if I am enough for them, I look at myself and touch the mirror in front of me, I see how my heart aches for a soul that has not yet met the heart, the mind likes to tell the heart its secrets and not me, fears that we are both as hopelessly in love when we see him, there have been lovers but never loved, then I start to mention how often it feels to brake and buckle at the knees when I feel the heart brake this way, you have always sworn to be an addict to love, the mind fears you’re loving all the wrong people, your heart helps the mind explain things like how you felt when they kissed you, that their touch was real, their words, were not in hesitation and you could almost touch them too, the mind, will always side with you when you’re this kind of love because, it knows how much and honest you fall even when you’re not loved the same way, you see the mind talk to the heart and can’t help but want something this real, when you look at love the mind says, find it in yourself first and then in them baby girl, you’re needed in this body too, in yourself, is when you’re able to find loved too.- but I wonder what that looks like, wonder things like how long will I have to wait to see them, have we met already, can they find my soul instead then, I can’t help feel like my heart brake into two even halves this way, he sounds like love to me, why is it that he is not, what’s the difference between love and loved anyway, they are the same ache, the mind tells me no they are different, the heart slows down and I ask how, and it tells me, love, is what we receive when we’re loved, and now, I ache some more.
I told her, she is also the reason behind this mind, said that as a child where do I even begin, all I did was throw glass at myself, when she wouldn’t listen to my heart I went into small spaces and tried to put it back together, there were memories, where I cried about not being unsterstood and when you’re this fragile even as a child you stop speaking about how you feel because you start thinking this, is the way everybody must be, when we look at our parents as children, we forget they are human, when we look at our parents as adults we forget they are human, must be sometype of ourselves, how we headache into a state of sanity, forget about the complicated and simple things in life is to exist and include yourself in your own oaisis of this world, is to refuse to believe how cruel we can also be to ourselves, love, time, death. dear love, I have watched you in so many people and things that sometimes I don’t know where to place you in myself, you have shown me so much. I met you in my friends now, and the first, was a boy when I was 15 and I still think about him when you escape my mouth. dear time, Why is it that we want to consume you and not get lost in you. I have bothered about it too, however, in my reality, you’re not the issue but the answer. I could drown into your syllables and watch the world fall into my arms too. dear death, The first time I met you I was 10, my body has not forgotten how you wanted to show your mother your feelings we, are no strange to you. You have given me a part of myself I think I lose each time and this is when we meet, and you, show me, love. I am still learning about your malaise.
13.11.17 Breath into you if I had to explain to you how this body works I wouldn’t know where to being, you would have to be spesific, because I have this uncanny of ambiguous proportions that are so grounded and what you want to hear which is the truth you will become so lost and I won’t try to save you, I’ll tell you how beautiful it is to see love and honesty colid and I’ll tell you how you should never believe in other peoples worth words of yourself, I’ll explain to you that you’re the abys of the moon and the mystry of the night sky and this is all magic with just the way you smile, I’ll also allow you to be your truest self in both comfort and rest the inbtween compatibility you have been longing for with just the right amount of I trust you, I’ll repeat cloud 9’s like do what makes you happy, I am here for you, you will awalys matter to me, do not listen to the world it is just background noise, I’ll also listen to the way you speak and motion be honest with you and promise you that your feelings are the exact match of my heart I can almost touch your emotions this is how much and what is beatiful and I care, alot, I’ll remind you that you get an untouched day every day and wait for your resonpse in your eyes, there are some who will expect you to give and I will be there to catch you when they do not give back, if I had to explain how this body works I wouldn’t know where to begin.
13.11.17 mezmerize, warm breeze, being swayed by a soft wind in cool kisses this is how imagine it must feel to be content, listen to hip hop lofi beats, anime manga antics, and a misfit for the mind, how you ponder of selfcare and how to fit others into this routine of care you’re a being with a passionate heart, the feeling of your own is so pleasent you almost forget why it is you wanted to leave this world in the first place, there’s something so sweet about solitude they will never understand, if you close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the world I swear you can almost hear your heartbeat too, I dare you. _spring otaku love and care antics
He told me listen, can you see the way you have been told to be, use the heart to say what you feel there are those that will try to silence your truth but do not be swayed by misconseptions of your self in their words, their words have no truth in this body, you’re the only miracle magic that can say how this body in everything they do not have a right to this bodies motion, feeling, nothing but their opinions in the form of their own facts but they don’t understand that just because you’re not willing to tell them about this body doesn’t mean they know everything about this being, they forget that you’re the breath to your own, nothing but what I want you see is what you will say you see in me, I am not a ‘qurk’ I am what I want you to see and maybe less maybe more. _Iam the breath to my own, don’t put people in boxes of your own opinions and call them facts
On days like this when I can’t find the right words to explain how I’m feeling, its usually when I’ve spent most of my day with the mind, the body is a plus one and we are all listening to the mind, I can’t quite explain it, its really hard to feel anything when you’re this consumed by the mind, you forget that you’re existing a motion in the present so caught up in the mind you’re only present inside of this gesture, today is one of those days where you’ve provoked a kind of conversation around love, and you can’t help but think, remember how often and easily you’re swayed by others kindness you mistake its moment, but its too late, the heart has already found another capable feeling and you like the way it lights you up, smile at their presence and bite your lip, this is what happy also looks like, the mind is still busy, the body and I are just watching listening from inside of this body, still captivated by a kind of resilience, still unable to match a feeling, I am a messenger in the form of words for the mind, its so complicated to talk this way, this is also a conversation, to disconnect with reality and check in with the way the mind is existing-, I think I like this feeling, of maybe loving someone, it reminds me how much life is really worth, reminds me of how it feels to be alive, witness something so indescribable that it makes it all worth it, recognize as human beings we may not necessarily agree but its essential to gain a kind of human interaction, as human beings we aren’t capable of too much solitude, we gain the most feeling from energy dosing one another, there is no greater solitude than sharing your life with another.
Can you imagine if someone told you all you have to do in life is create yourself, learn to grow from the things that we are told are so taboo that they aren’t true, imagine, if all we had to do was love, nurture such care strum its vision into our dreams and god told you all you have to do is create, that its possible to believe in yourself and have an illness that isn’t visible to the naked eye, would you believe it, if I told you that you get an untouched day everyday, that this kind of warmth comes from you, what if I told you that when characters tells you you’re sparks for motive and its these kinds of words that make it worth it, like you’re doing magic with your bare hands, has the strongest ability to change self belief, interactions that are the sweetest compliments a form of your own motivation and self belief there really is nothing like it, make another light and your own by believing in yourself first.
Been rationally drowning self in understanding how it is you love someone and whether words that learn how to cut tongues and bind itself to narrative that live in the masquerades of awkward glances, side way smiles and pretty words, how we, are watching love move, and dip its self first, is this really love at all, capable of taking such an intensity by what you seek rather than what you see, I mean, if we really think about what it means to love someone beneath the surface of what is in our horizon and feel, one of the unambiguous confessions left honestly is what we seek, I’m not repeating about the way we configure tangibles and intangibles, I’m begging what varies, the in between instances where when we make a decision without a seconds thought, immediately play a mental monologue of what we think we saw in love, and there, caught in the gloss memoirs of what we seeked to begin with, in them, holding onto hidden between silver measures of their imperfections, reminding them and ourselves of how fragile we can all be, the human heart beating at each attempt, always, do we really know love at all, what Im really trying to say is a friend once told me, don’t be in a rush, and I remember looking at her and thinking, those are words I have memorized for myself before.
The introverted mind, a consolation of masses that are too much to even ponder and what it really means when you’re watching the grey sky from inside of your bedroom window, a mental hereon of an illness that leaves you feeling the breeze from inside the body and learning to care about yourself even if its narcissistic, I’ve come to learn that even with all the pondering done there’s not much room left for taking a break, even so, there is a huge appreciation for silence which most would find softly uncomfortable, but when you’re this invested uncomfortable learns to settle into a kind of body and politely it becomes a survival thing, when you spend this much time with the mind and this kind body you pick up on care that is much deeper than what you may have previously composed, you also don’t like picking up phone calls, so often we forget that its okay to be our selves, its hard to remind a kind of existence that only knows what its been told is okay, and the way we unconsciously allow something that is not greater than us to set our kind of normal being, still, it is not our fault, need to learn ourselves to be kind to our own, and never be submissive or kind to a system that is not kind to you, said that we don’t have to be so strong all the time we don’t have to hide so much of ourselves just to please a temporary feeling, a temporary person, we’re always allowed to feel as valid as someone we love, because if it were them, this strange, you would be softer, kinder, and you would love them harder.
I might care for you more than you’re willing, able to feed this body with the love I have drowned you into its own meaning, you’re the first and last thought I think about, and its frightening when I think you’re ever leaving, I reminisce so much of the way you speak, remembering words that have been beauty marked into my heart, this fear of loving is making me unable to show you too much of the ways in which I have missed so much of you, it’s tiring, loving when you’re afraid of the receivers response to this intense feeling, this kind of longing is no temporary sensation, the eyes have watched you long enough to miss the way you have been seen into this body, a beautiful weakness, I want to be an intense feeling bind your words to my heart, keep your body close to the mind so you’re unable to live without its warmth, love you the way flames feel when you get too close, I want to melt in your arms long enough to be called yours, you’re a beautiful weakness, and I love the way you form words that are as soft as the way you want to indulge me, keep me safe, I want to be all yours.