Entry #12: Gentle Reminder <3

Affirmations made personal

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

 

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

im i crazy to call identity love.

A self-proclaimed psychosis narration of formatted words to meditate the mind, and at ease the body when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after your blood, breathe, emotion of space that moves within the body is to exhale this frustration of uncomfort attempt to sit with its unjust child like, like adulthood manifested trauma, crazy, another word that is meant for you but is misplaced in connotations, boundaries, and this mental, discomfort, is to sit with it, to watch your own unsolved chaos a black super woman animated hero, like woman like survivor, selflove, you, what is yours, selfcare, you, a super power, irritable irrational behaviors that maneuver in and out of this body like permission to self, like it was normal, what is normal anyway, self, who do I see myself as when and without this state of mind, an actual metaphor of this is the rain, a contradiction of identity and misplaced answers that hit this heavy are to never be forgotten, identity, notice how quick you’re to save your name next to love, identity has always been love, others, there are no others, they are my precious heartbeats each pulse is remembered into my being this way, relationships remind me of flowers in the spring, and the rain, three of my favorite human languages this, its no secret now, habits, loving harder is to admit its self in and out of me these heartstrings are internal external loves, fixing our broken hearts for the sake of our identity, souls, are both in complicated super power love and care, heartbeats is compassionate black super woman a pulsed warning of heartstrings words aimed like identity, self, relationships, always this, it is no secret now, a psychosis narrated formatted words to meditate the mind and at ease the body, when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after you always, always this goes back to love-, lullaby. black woman. identity. heartbeats. and maybe heartstring now too.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

its nearly spring.

I’ve always seen myself in different lives, thought about how I could really make a difference in my own way, I’ve thought about what are the chances that we all get into a state of mind that motions our existence how we like to see ourselves how we really see ourselves I think its important to not take opinions that even from our purest depths that choose to eat at this body in sorts of manifestations that are not in correlation of present but past tense and unarmed sometimes, I think balance is a solution to a lot of outcomes, when I think of the narrative surrounding identity its forever entwining with my variables, I’ve learnt that I don’t always have to be strong and who I am is not afraid but has uncanny behaviour that revolves around making kin and those close by my breath feel unbothered by breakdowns that I forget my own body in this space, it had been so long I keep almost forgetting what its like sometimes, when you have tendencies to be cold because you do not understand your own mental you’re practising what its like to be okay forgetting that you’re are an emotionally intelligent being and yes that sometimes means that your smile, your eyes will not match your words but you will still try because you care about how you make kin feel in this presence, you’re trying to break away from the mind and be present, what a contradiction, a life you’re living that is both complicated and compassionate in the same body-, a breakdown. for who. the rain.

Check-in: Off my prescription. For good.

“My mental state is shifting conundrum, the space around me is an abyss dream that must include wishful thinking and a playful mind, there are so many words that are full on this body and love has swelled the alphabet whole, chose to keep safe its melody of being animate, titled it me and ran away with its meaning, when you’re in both worlds like this there is no neutral ground, no dream like catch ups, this is your reality, grow with your body.”

25.5.18 | UPDATE | 9.6.18

I’ve been off them for a while now, this was a personal decision after taking them for a couple of months. A lot of things have changed in my body both pros and cons. However, in my experience, while taking the prescription, I felt the cons may not have been more or less than the pros, however, more damaging to my being on a personal level. I say on a personal level because like I’ve said and said I am the type of person that thoroughly enjoys self-improvement on a lot of different levels, as well as an ongoing journey of self-acceptance, love care, spirit and growth. In saying this I have put my honest truth when it comes to my list of pros and cons while I was on prescribed medication for major depression and anxiety. Please keep in mind this is my own personal experience and everybody’s bodies are extremely different.

I’m very well aware that medication assists in helping others live a more aware and fulfilling life so to speak, however, I am also aware that for some it is not always the case. Our bodies are not made the same so something that works for someone else, may not always work for you, so this is where I feel its very important to be understanding about these types of conversations and destigmatize the interactions around mental health; So we can be able to find more and more solutions.
Pros

  1. My mood/ energy was peeking.
  2. There were less, and if any negative thoughts stopped right in their tracks.
  3. I felt lighter when I was around people.
  4. I most of the time felt present and really happy.
  5. There were so many highs I felt like this is who I am, which gave me confidence in myself.
  6. My mind, my thought process had never been so empty, I felt so much lighter.
  7. I was able to not be so harsh on myself.
  8. It helped a lot more with my anxiety.
  9. I grew comfortable in not having to always be so intense about everything and blowing things into crazy proportions even though the situation or whatever it was was really not that deep. I liked the energy and mood of being neutral, it was the closest balance I had ever felt in my life and if felt damn good.
  10. I didn’t want to admit to this, however being on this prescription allowed me what I like to call ‘clear choice problem solve’ where I was able to make choices based on my bodies entirety rather than its fear. Whether it was abandonment or self-worth, I was able to make somewhat wise and less harmful decisions towards myself.

Cons

  1. I was having a lot of lost memory in the moments I was high off being so present and happy. Even though I was more present, I felt as though I was not really there. The best example I can give is rather than living in the moment I felt like I was trying to hold on to existing.
  2. I was always very tired and sleepy even way after the six week mark.
  3. I was having a lot of unexplained paralyses as though I was for sure in another scene in my life but in reality that was not the case, I was extremely scared. It got up to a point where I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t anymore.
  4. Because the prescription is the type of medication that releases the ‘good feeling chemicals’ in my mind I almost felt not myself at times, as in there were so many highs but I couldn’t keep true to my body and was almost neglecting a huge portion of myself. And when these realizations come up I strongly felt like the medication was like “no this is a negative thought triggered by your depression” and before I could even decide for myself the thought was gone and in a sense, I, felt like I was cheating my body and myself.
  5. I didn’t feel anything. Even at the times where I say I’m happy they were more boosts of energy and mood but I can never truly say they were feeling. I was like a robot almost. There was no real balance it was just this clean slate of energy and mood highs that I didn’t have a second to myself about being, well, human. I know this sounds very strange and what not but for me, this was my experience with the prescription and for everybody it is different.
  6. I really honestly lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore because I was almost not allowed to think or have any sort of space and time alone, and when I think about it it was something along the lines of triggers maybe. I’ll never really know to be perfectly honest.
  7. I was almost never hungry. I would literally forget to eat, and if I did eat it was because my body was aching, not because I was hungry or even wanted to eat.
  8. I started to feel dependent on the prescription. I felt like I couldn’t be happy or “normal” if I wasn’t taking them. And it got up to the point where I would have panic attacks. This also happened while I was buying the prescription once.
  9. I felt as though I couldn’t or was slowly losing the ability to express myself not only in my writing but I was just always happy and light nothing less and nothing more. There was always this need to be neutral about everything.
  10. Majority of my problem solving are to do with only one organ in my body and that is my heart. I can’t even begin to explain to you how many times I’ve hurt myself problem solving this way; this right beside depression is a whole other destruction all on it own.

“thanks for reading” _fh

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.5.18 | SH****.

Infinity, its started again, pushing love away so that I won’t have to explain myself and I stopped going to see remedy, I’m having trouble understanding the same solutions there’s nothing left to talk about, so I took a break, I had been told and asked to take prescription, but I found it funny how it made me feel worse, food was not even a priority, I gave it up because it was the quickest painful silence I could show, like here, please look at my pain, and tell me it gets better, I started coughing out these happy pills I could taste them in my breath my body was refusing to accept their help, my mind was no where to be found the two souls were forgotten and mistreated, the heart was slowly dying, and my body fought for a feeling, to be alive, it despised its name and told me this is not the answer you’re looking for, I chose not listen to the only thing healthy enough to fight for my health and now I’m in and out of gp’s like the silence in their rooms, I’m trying so hard to be noticed and cared for like my childhood is still gasping for air, I feel my child like self-resurfacing and causing fitna in their hearts because I want so bad to be noticed and cared for without having to cry for help, right now, I’m sitting in my car, confused about what the right thing to do is, wishing I had never tried temporary happiness in substitute for food, like all I knew was to never miss its white lies, to never over look my bodies cries, I just feel lost at this point, feels like there is no other way to drain out the pain because I’m not brave enough to cut out the evidence so this is another way of surviving too,- the only peace I have gained back is, I can feel my body again.