Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

30.01.19 | My wish.

A conversation with my father and he is telling me flossy words I wished I heard when I was listening to his, wondering if this was the same care he would give the other half of his heart, he always tells me comfort and pillow talks of its okay wished he wishes he could do things differently with us and I want to ask him how it feels to have half of his heart, wishing he praised her the same way he praises god, we’re from two different generations and I wonder how he got to being here, want to see where all this came from, he talks in his own reality and I am still left with questions of where half his heart is left in him, is he okay leaving that kind of warmth this way, where would he ran to, he tells me mental health is important because he found me still up the top of his house one day, I remember it so well since then I wonder whether he knows it is two and not only one, 10 grams away from unstable stability, the children in his life are in half and his blood line is nowhere in this house but in half, I wonder what he dwells on, he talks about death so often I can feel the way he repeats it, this is not the first or last time, I know what it feels like to repeat death into your being so it becomes a familiar taste around here, wonder about his lost and found demons so in half about these waters, the fire in me is blazing bright blue while all the waters try to calm me from the outside, Im not sure if this is the right way to go about it but I let it happen anyway, a panic hits and I am in half most days, wondering what my whole see’s me as, I am half fire half water, whole, where thoughts go when they are misplaced in its home too, my truth is a natural disaster unsafe and serenity, a contradiction of human kind, I take my shot of Kenya coffee close my eyes and whisper mantra’s in the name of love and think, maybe its not so bad here, being a misfit this way too.

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Entry #13: I strongly believe in humanity and self. Do you?

I’ve been thinking about how we see words instead of the world, people ask me about myself like I’m meant to have all the answers however I haven’t met anyone who has. I honestly believe life is about learning and growing forever, and I love that feeling the most.

It gives off an achievement of assumptions that you will know, and there’s an almost clear intuition. We go the rest of our lives trying to search for things that someone tells us we can’t find or worse ourselves, we bounce off idea’s that others have cast spells into us because they haven’t been brave enough and I don’t see this as a weakness just to be clear I see this almost as a plea, how often do we want to be saved by ourselves and subconsciously ask others to save us or even better ask our body, sometimes all we need is to be polite and honest when we’re talking about ourselves to someone or even better when we are talking to ourselves.

So much is already left into the infinite galaxies we are still trying to see life to almost decide, and yet I wonder why is it that sometimes we don’t choose to do something as beautiful as to look in the mirror once in a while, gestures to your body in the form of gratitude are as rewarding as healing. Remember this, when you’re feeling like you’re hopeless into this world, into this body, give yourself a break. Celebrate the littlest dreams, and be your most amazing self for you and your body.

There is so much we are capable of if we treat our body the we would like to be treated, and this is a fact.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

I gentley pick up the rest of what my depression has left of my body off my bedroom floor and tuck her into bed, I’ve been writing in code as long as I can remember for those who know the conversation, for those who are blessed with a mind that doesn’t know how to quieten down for themselves but for others, we know so well how the body likes to talk in cryptic behaviour, to see who is worth it, this is a silent prayer to the rain and to beloved kin, there are no words when I mumble these two loves, depression’s favourite 5 letter word each time, sorry, I’m the fire child with rain tendencies scared hiding from giving voice the things that still make me feel like I could sleep forever, how else are we allowed to communicate when we get lost in our body this way, when I find the fewer words to confront kin it becomes more than a one way conversation, in my mind I say, when I give up my pride to talk about a healing state I mean I am also giving me time, when I breathe in and out this way I am learning what it means to be myself and not my illness, when I lose touch of the the world around me and people it means I am in desperate need of myself so I will disappear into my own galaxy, sorry, I am learning not to apologise for my healing sorry, when I come back to you, I will not want to relive the trouma, in advance I want you to know, I am here, I see you, I am healing, self has been in need of my three super powers and you’re my last destiny.

Entry #12: Gentle Reminder <3

Affirmations made personal

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

 

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

im i crazy to call identity love.

A self-proclaimed psychosis narration of formatted words to meditate the mind, and at ease the body when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after your blood, breathe, emotion of space that moves within the body is to exhale this frustration of uncomfort attempt to sit with its unjust child like, like adulthood manifested trauma, crazy, another word that is meant for you but is misplaced in connotations, boundaries, and this mental, discomfort, is to sit with it, to watch your own unsolved chaos a black super woman animated hero, like woman like survivor, selflove, you, what is yours, selfcare, you, a super power, irritable irrational behaviors that maneuver in and out of this body like permission to self, like it was normal, what is normal anyway, self, who do I see myself as when and without this state of mind, an actual metaphor of this is the rain, a contradiction of identity and misplaced answers that hit this heavy are to never be forgotten, identity, notice how quick you’re to save your name next to love, identity has always been love, others, there are no others, they are my precious heartbeats each pulse is remembered into my being this way, relationships remind me of flowers in the spring, and the rain, three of my favorite human languages this, its no secret now, habits, loving harder is to admit its self in and out of me these heartstrings are internal external loves, fixing our broken hearts for the sake of our identity, souls, are both in complicated super power love and care, heartbeats is compassionate black super woman a pulsed warning of heartstrings words aimed like identity, self, relationships, always this, it is no secret now, a psychosis narrated formatted words to meditate the mind and at ease the body, when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after you always, always this goes back to love-, lullaby. black woman. identity. heartbeats. and maybe heartstring now too.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

its nearly spring.

I’ve always seen myself in different lives, thought about how I could really make a difference in my own way, I’ve thought about what are the chances that we all get into a state of mind that motions our existence how we like to see ourselves how we really see ourselves I think its important to not take opinions that even from our purest depths that choose to eat at this body in sorts of manifestations that are not in correlation of present but past tense and unarmed sometimes, I think balance is a solution to a lot of outcomes, when I think of the narrative surrounding identity its forever entwining with my variables, I’ve learnt that I don’t always have to be strong and who I am is not afraid but has uncanny behaviour that revolves around making kin and those close by my breath feel unbothered by breakdowns that I forget my own body in this space, it had been so long I keep almost forgetting what its like sometimes, when you have tendencies to be cold because you do not understand your own mental you’re practising what its like to be okay forgetting that you’re are an emotionally intelligent being and yes that sometimes means that your smile, your eyes will not match your words but you will still try because you care about how you make kin feel in this presence, you’re trying to break away from the mind and be present, what a contradiction, a life you’re living that is both complicated and compassionate in the same body-, a breakdown. for who. the rain.

Check-in: Off my prescription. For good.

“My mental state is shifting conundrum, the space around me is an abyss dream that must include wishful thinking and a playful mind, there are so many words that are full on this body and love has swelled the alphabet whole, chose to keep safe its melody of being animate, titled it me and ran away with its meaning, when you’re in both worlds like this there is no neutral ground, no dream like catch ups, this is your reality, grow with your body.”

25.5.18 | UPDATE | 9.6.18

I’ve been off them for a while now, this was a personal decision after taking them for a couple of months. A lot of things have changed in my body both pros and cons. However, in my experience, while taking the prescription, I felt the cons may not have been more or less than the pros, however, more damaging to my being on a personal level. I say on a personal level because like I’ve said and said I am the type of person that thoroughly enjoys self-improvement on a lot of different levels, as well as an ongoing journey of self-acceptance, love care, spirit and growth. In saying this I have put my honest truth when it comes to my list of pros and cons while I was on prescribed medication for major depression and anxiety. Please keep in mind this is my own personal experience and everybody’s bodies are extremely different.

I’m very well aware that medication assists in helping others live a more aware and fulfilling life so to speak, however, I am also aware that for some it is not always the case. Our bodies are not made the same so something that works for someone else, may not always work for you, so this is where I feel its very important to be understanding about these types of conversations and destigmatize the interactions around mental health; So we can be able to find more and more solutions.
Pros

  1. My mood/ energy was peeking.
  2. There were less, and if any negative thoughts stopped right in their tracks.
  3. I felt lighter when I was around people.
  4. I most of the time felt present and really happy.
  5. There were so many highs I felt like this is who I am, which gave me confidence in myself.
  6. My mind, my thought process had never been so empty, I felt so much lighter.
  7. I was able to not be so harsh on myself.
  8. It helped a lot more with my anxiety.
  9. I grew comfortable in not having to always be so intense about everything and blowing things into crazy proportions even though the situation or whatever it was was really not that deep. I liked the energy and mood of being neutral, it was the closest balance I had ever felt in my life and if felt damn good.
  10. I didn’t want to admit to this, however being on this prescription allowed me what I like to call ‘clear choice problem solve’ where I was able to make choices based on my bodies entirety rather than its fear. Whether it was abandonment or self-worth, I was able to make somewhat wise and less harmful decisions towards myself.

Cons

  1. I was having a lot of lost memory in the moments I was high off being so present and happy. Even though I was more present, I felt as though I was not really there. The best example I can give is rather than living in the moment I felt like I was trying to hold on to existing.
  2. I was always very tired and sleepy even way after the six week mark.
  3. I was having a lot of unexplained paralyses as though I was for sure in another scene in my life but in reality that was not the case, I was extremely scared. It got up to a point where I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t anymore.
  4. Because the prescription is the type of medication that releases the ‘good feeling chemicals’ in my mind I almost felt not myself at times, as in there were so many highs but I couldn’t keep true to my body and was almost neglecting a huge portion of myself. And when these realizations come up I strongly felt like the medication was like “no this is a negative thought triggered by your depression” and before I could even decide for myself the thought was gone and in a sense, I, felt like I was cheating my body and myself.
  5. I didn’t feel anything. Even at the times where I say I’m happy they were more boosts of energy and mood but I can never truly say they were feeling. I was like a robot almost. There was no real balance it was just this clean slate of energy and mood highs that I didn’t have a second to myself about being, well, human. I know this sounds very strange and what not but for me, this was my experience with the prescription and for everybody it is different.
  6. I really honestly lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore because I was almost not allowed to think or have any sort of space and time alone, and when I think about it it was something along the lines of triggers maybe. I’ll never really know to be perfectly honest.
  7. I was almost never hungry. I would literally forget to eat, and if I did eat it was because my body was aching, not because I was hungry or even wanted to eat.
  8. I started to feel dependent on the prescription. I felt like I couldn’t be happy or “normal” if I wasn’t taking them. And it got up to the point where I would have panic attacks. This also happened while I was buying the prescription once.
  9. I felt as though I couldn’t or was slowly losing the ability to express myself not only in my writing but I was just always happy and light nothing less and nothing more. There was always this need to be neutral about everything.
  10. Majority of my problem solving are to do with only one organ in my body and that is my heart. I can’t even begin to explain to you how many times I’ve hurt myself problem solving this way; this right beside depression is a whole other destruction all on it own.

“thanks for reading” _fh

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.5.18 | SH****.

Infinity, its started again, pushing love away so that I won’t have to explain myself and I stopped going to see remedy, I’m having trouble understanding the same solutions there’s nothing left to talk about, so I took a break, I had been told and asked to take prescription, but I found it funny how it made me feel worse, food was not even a priority, I gave it up because it was the quickest painful silence I could show, like here, please look at my pain, and tell me it gets better, I started coughing out these happy pills I could taste them in my breath my body was refusing to accept their help, my mind was no where to be found the two souls were forgotten and mistreated, the heart was slowly dying, and my body fought for a feeling, to be alive, it despised its name and told me this is not the answer you’re looking for, I chose not listen to the only thing healthy enough to fight for my health and now I’m in and out of gp’s like the silence in their rooms, I’m trying so hard to be noticed and cared for like my childhood is still gasping for air, I feel my child like self-resurfacing and causing fitna in their hearts because I want so bad to be noticed and cared for without having to cry for help, right now, I’m sitting in my car, confused about what the right thing to do is, wishing I had never tried temporary happiness in substitute for food, like all I knew was to never miss its white lies, to never over look my bodies cries, I just feel lost at this point, feels like there is no other way to drain out the pain because I’m not brave enough to cut out the evidence so this is another way of surviving too,- the only peace I have gained back is, I can feel my body again.