Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

16.8.18 | more than..

Heart-beat, an alternitive universe you go into your body, ask the heart connected fix me ways to find out why you keep going back to his type of love, know very well how he has learnt and unlearnt to memorize you, how he told you he wants to learn what goes on in your mind first, that he wants to know your attention before he gets too close to your body, you can see he is confused about what you show him and he is trying to hide it, you, are trying to hide, that you could fall this hard and not want to get back up, he told me we belong together and I wanted to ask him what he means by that, wanted to kiss the words out of him over and over and over again, he is so soft and so much fire I melt into his words like this, when I close my eyes, he is all I see, makes me light up just for him, I want to tell him I want to be his and his alone twice, he knows now, I imagine telling him this home is his too now, even when he walks away he is still misplaced into my whole heart, he knows how intense I can be while he watches me call on his name, he never misses my calls, makes sure he calls back if not all the time, doesn’t know I can see through him, that when you have observed lover this way there is no easily going back for you, he talks about future as though it were right there and you beam his words, think he has never looked this suductive, you’re also learning about his type of venerable, you also thinking this is the most sultry way about his presence, leave the way he makes you feel like there is no one is this world that could compare, waiting for his dial is like clock work, the perfect amount of space and fire, you could also call this love but, he says I am stubborn, so my pride is now at its highest submission.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

10.7.18 | selfish.

Authenticity is a lost feeling that is desperately trying to be seen by ourselves, pause-, inside this living, borderline in a person that does not listen to backwards words of themselves and understands that they do not have to fit in, there is power in living a truth that makes sheep around you uncomfortable, don’t slander your truth for attention, when you brake a body in order of temptations you have lost to both bodies, you cannot be tested and watch such things and call them fate, entrenched bodies to temptation are a set up for malice, these persons who confuse their black cat see a different 80 20 percent in you while shackled people can get lost in freedom and refuse to check for accountability, when you wish yourself to vanish into tattle tale you can’t leave your morals behind they will catch up to you somewhere in dark corners next to that lie you refused to tell, and between inevitability, authenticity can do that, it can clout your favor and snatch it right under your skin, there is where you will lose control and play catch up with the mind, admitting you never checked, freedom is a bias when it disregards the obvious danger of involvements when it involves others, you’re not safe, you think you’re safe but you’re not safe, you’re still in hiding, the worst kind of person that lies in order for self-benefit knowing its moral compass is unknown danger to themselves first, isn’t it a little ironic, all you had to do was be honest with yourself first, instead of hurting heartbeat-, wait on it.

Check-in: Off my prescription. For good.

“My mental state is shifting conundrum, the space around me is an abyss dream that must include wishful thinking and a playful mind, there are so many words that are full on this body and love has swelled the alphabet whole, chose to keep safe its melody of being animate, titled it me and ran away with its meaning, when you’re in both worlds like this there is no neutral ground, no dream like catch ups, this is your reality, grow with your body.”

25.5.18 | UPDATE | 9.6.18

I’ve been off them for a while now, this was a personal decision after taking them for a couple of months. A lot of things have changed in my body both pros and cons. However, in my experience, while taking the prescription, I felt the cons may not have been more or less than the pros, however, more damaging to my being on a personal level. I say on a personal level because like I’ve said and said I am the type of person that thoroughly enjoys self-improvement on a lot of different levels, as well as an ongoing journey of self-acceptance, love care, spirit and growth. In saying this I have put my honest truth when it comes to my list of pros and cons while I was on prescribed medication for major depression and anxiety. Please keep in mind this is my own personal experience and everybody’s bodies are extremely different.

I’m very well aware that medication assists in helping others live a more aware and fulfilling life so to speak, however, I am also aware that for some it is not always the case. Our bodies are not made the same so something that works for someone else, may not always work for you, so this is where I feel its very important to be understanding about these types of conversations and destigmatize the interactions around mental health; So we can be able to find more and more solutions.
Pros

  1. My mood/ energy was peeking.
  2. There were less, and if any negative thoughts stopped right in their tracks.
  3. I felt lighter when I was around people.
  4. I most of the time felt present and really happy.
  5. There were so many highs I felt like this is who I am, which gave me confidence in myself.
  6. My mind, my thought process had never been so empty, I felt so much lighter.
  7. I was able to not be so harsh on myself.
  8. It helped a lot more with my anxiety.
  9. I grew comfortable in not having to always be so intense about everything and blowing things into crazy proportions even though the situation or whatever it was was really not that deep. I liked the energy and mood of being neutral, it was the closest balance I had ever felt in my life and if felt damn good.
  10. I didn’t want to admit to this, however being on this prescription allowed me what I like to call ‘clear choice problem solve’ where I was able to make choices based on my bodies entirety rather than its fear. Whether it was abandonment or self-worth, I was able to make somewhat wise and less harmful decisions towards myself.

Cons

  1. I was having a lot of lost memory in the moments I was high off being so present and happy. Even though I was more present, I felt as though I was not really there. The best example I can give is rather than living in the moment I felt like I was trying to hold on to existing.
  2. I was always very tired and sleepy even way after the six week mark.
  3. I was having a lot of unexplained paralyses as though I was for sure in another scene in my life but in reality that was not the case, I was extremely scared. It got up to a point where I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t anymore.
  4. Because the prescription is the type of medication that releases the ‘good feeling chemicals’ in my mind I almost felt not myself at times, as in there were so many highs but I couldn’t keep true to my body and was almost neglecting a huge portion of myself. And when these realizations come up I strongly felt like the medication was like “no this is a negative thought triggered by your depression” and before I could even decide for myself the thought was gone and in a sense, I, felt like I was cheating my body and myself.
  5. I didn’t feel anything. Even at the times where I say I’m happy they were more boosts of energy and mood but I can never truly say they were feeling. I was like a robot almost. There was no real balance it was just this clean slate of energy and mood highs that I didn’t have a second to myself about being, well, human. I know this sounds very strange and what not but for me, this was my experience with the prescription and for everybody it is different.
  6. I really honestly lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore because I was almost not allowed to think or have any sort of space and time alone, and when I think about it it was something along the lines of triggers maybe. I’ll never really know to be perfectly honest.
  7. I was almost never hungry. I would literally forget to eat, and if I did eat it was because my body was aching, not because I was hungry or even wanted to eat.
  8. I started to feel dependent on the prescription. I felt like I couldn’t be happy or “normal” if I wasn’t taking them. And it got up to the point where I would have panic attacks. This also happened while I was buying the prescription once.
  9. I felt as though I couldn’t or was slowly losing the ability to express myself not only in my writing but I was just always happy and light nothing less and nothing more. There was always this need to be neutral about everything.
  10. Majority of my problem solving are to do with only one organ in my body and that is my heart. I can’t even begin to explain to you how many times I’ve hurt myself problem solving this way; this right beside depression is a whole other destruction all on it own.

“thanks for reading” _fh

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

8.4.18

I haven’t had time stop like this for a while, I’ve been so busy with nothing and taking medication, it felt like clear and no feeling, been focused on the most strange, like things that feel light and heavy but there is no emotion, like things that make me forget like not forgetting maybe like being so present that my body isn’t present, like I was happy in the present but I couldn’t feel it, like I couldn’t think it, I don’t really know how to tell you, I haven’t had the time and space I need to myself and I’m starting to feel like I need to try something else, I have lost myself and I want to find her, I fell in love with her intensity and her will power of quarks.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

18.10.17

I’ve come to realise somethings about myself, things that I knew but didn’t know how to explain, it goes something like this, I look at the world the same way I look at people, opportunities, there is never a right or wrong answer but the flood of mental health and personality, sometimes it feels like war between myself and these things, I think about how anxiety has me in this tight grip, noose so personal all of a sudden, how the few stability in my life can subtly be stolen away by something that wants to need this body like the air we breathe, have come to understand that my mental health is also my worst enemy as well as my first love, how it teaches me about self, and love in the same destructive dysfunctional health, the things I never knew about, how it leaves this body feeling weak, surround this being with such careless yet die-hard words that know so well to break this same body down, when you have things like opportunity its strangely painful to witness your body want to suffocate all the breath it has saved, all at once, your body goes into this alternative mode where you start to overthink things like your ability, like how long can you keep this up, like, can you even do this, like you can’t keep up, like, I know you’ve been doing so well that opportunity felt right, felt like opportunity used to smile at you, it felt almost like happy, but you also know how that word doesn’t belong to this body, you felt like for the first time opportunity was something you can handle, but now, you feel like the air you’re breathing is not meant for you, like crying is not a solution and you refuse to give in to such weakness, you start to fight for opportunity and not yourself, also what will happen when your body and the best opportunity for you right now is starting to feel like its slipping away, like in this kind of reality how many times are we meant to let the body win, how many times can we break this body to win in the present, how do we stay this much of alive and fight for opportunity when our body starts crying for help and you start feeling worthless, like mental health is the enemy when you’ve worked so hard for a kind of opportunity just to harshly surrender and fight your own body and mental health at the same time, how do you win when you don’t understand whats going on, when you start feeling sorry for a familiar body, feel each word make aims at the heart, slowly reminding yourself…

Article #2: “..about how creativity and poetry helped your depression.”

I’d like to start with a sentence I always remind myself.
“Without failure, how do you expect to succeed?”

Being in my early 20’s I am learning courage to take on opportunities with clinical depression being so present in my daily lifestyle. At the age of 10 I was learning how to be an expressive person for myself through poetry. I remember writing poems when I was at my most vulnerable, I learnt to be creative with my words in a sense of being able to be as expressive as I wanted without being judged, because what I wrote was for my eyes only. These words were my comfort and truth.

When I started my very first blog in June 16th 2015 it was also another stepping milestone for me. This platform was where I escaped in order to be heard and understood by my body mentally, emotionally and physically. Poetry taught me to never underestimate the power of a platform for your self care and your own voice. This is how self revelations and taboo considered revolutions are started.

Being a poet, listening to poetry and having a friend that is also a poet who is going through mental health is one of the ways that is helping me the most. Being able to connect with somebody at such an intimate and personal level with my poetry, telling my story about something that is considered so taboo especially in the black community, I truly believe in awareness and taking the right self-care and love for yourself first. For me this has naturally inspired my confidence when I am feeling really depressed. I’m still learning to notice some of my symptoms and being a poet as well as being creative, I’m teaching myself to never apologies for my mental health, ever.

The way I see it, creativity and poetry have helped me positively progress my mental health. I would defiantly say it has taught me how to be patient with it’s intensity at my own pace. Educated me to use my own words, to reach out, as well as tell the world about my mental health journey. This was a huge deal for me, I am generally a very private person.

To crown how much I’ve grown through creativity and poetry it goes hand in hand. To me, being creative means being able to express yourself in a way that is true to you, and poetry is a form of art, another platform to express your creativity. I strongly believe everyone’s story is as powerful as their vulnerable narrative.

Thank You.
Fatma Hussein

Article #1: My name is Fatma, I am a 22 year old from Melbourne, Australia. Here is my story.

Hi, my name is Fatma, I’m a 22 going 23 this year. I am a sister, daughter, activist, blogger, fashion intrigued, clinically depressed, self-care, mental health creative writer who lives in Melbourne. Here is my story.

I was born and grew up in Kenya Nairobi, with both my parents one older sister, my younger sister and my baby brother. In 2002 we moved to Melbourne Australia. When I was 10 years old I was a shy kid that didn’t talk much and had one friend who I was with for a short time but after a while we drifted apart most of it is a blur which I honestly believe is a suppressing of my memory. When I was 10, it was the first time I had ever tried to kill myself, it was also around this age I had started writing, but to me it was just a way to express my feelings because I didn’t talk much or at all. I was bullied by one girl who up to this day will never forget her full name, and from here on out my life started to really take a toll on me mentally without me consciously realizing nor understanding. I started to feel as though I was just existing rather than living.

When I was in year 7, my mental health really plummeted. If you asked me about this year I literally have very little memory of it. I only remember finally having a group of friends in school, and being able to slowly talk and laugh but even up to this day I can’t remember if it was coping or compensating for my lack of visibility and isolation through out my primary school years and daily life from school and home. I also become more suicidal, and my family knew nothing of this. My routine at home consisted of me going to school, and living in my bedroom.

When I was in year 8 this is when I met my best friend who is still my friend up to today. She helped me with getting my confidence little by little, and slowly I grew into the person I am today. I am always very grateful to her, she has given me so much I can’t ever put it into words. Even with my personality starting to show I was still very caught up in my head and had all these unexplained emotions. But I figured everyone felt this way and that I would grow out of it as I get older.

I didn’t. As I got older, until I was 20 I was having recurring panic attacks mostly at night that I didn’t even know what was happening at the time, then after a while I realized something might be wrong. So it was this whole year that I started researching how I felt emotionally, physically and mentally to find out I might have major depression. I was in so much denial for a whole year and a half and this made my mental health worse. At this point, I had no motivation to do anything, even more suicidal, easily irritated, didn’t eat well, and shut everyone out.

Since then, I have made a blog for my creative writing, performed my first ever three poems on stage in Melbourne Afrocentric, made great friends, starting to network with beautiful creative souls in Melbourne, much closer with my sisters and brother, seeing a professional, and I am much more able to communicate my feelings now; And in the works of creating my brand for the organic skin care market.

My mental health is something I truly struggle with everyday, but it is also something I pride my time and care in. I am still learning about it and learning to take good care of it and my body in three cycles (emotionally, physically and mentally), to be much kinder to myself and know that my depression does not define me, it assists in molding me into a better person each day. Even when the really bad days make it feel like it can’t get any better, even so, this, is when I know I am the most creative.

Thank You.

Fatma Hussein

 

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

9.7.17

bound, I have found what it meant to be an overplayed song, said that this body has been scared by those who have not even had the privilege, when I think about what it means to see honesty in their eyes I imagine it must be like a suffocating thing to look at something they could own if they could just get what they wanted, a thing, this body, I can not help but see this as a cycle for burring trust to those who say they speak the truth, so easily, claim an unopened pandora you have been miming at this body promising this will be the last, had to watch the heart suffer at the attempts of double edged knifes, a hoax, you are now forced to exempt this cycle this state so familiar how do you do this kind of trust so easily

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.5.17 | 7.5.17 | 8.5.17
Self love..(body.)

 

“I wish it would rain forever, so I could show this body that even the sky understands how it feels, solidarity, the same effect, not enough, ease up, steady mediocre, talk to me, of how many times did you actually warn him that this feeling could burn if they get too close, that you’re only capable of loving too hard, that you don’t know like, you only know how extreme it will hit when the feeling burns out of desire n adore, that his words couldn’t have been more captivating, that you remember the way he talks, the way he walks in front of you, n how he wraps his arms around you n you don’t like him leaving, that this feeling stays ever after, that his scent will linger for as long as you are indulged into his arms, what is like when you only know the extreme of both the before n aftermath of inside n outside of this feeling, of how much it causes this happy, call it what you want, it be ruin, ending, too much, I don’t care, I have trust in this body enough to sense that it knows exactly what its doing, that the mind n the body will work together to navigate through this intensity, there is, never no meaning to the way this body will take charge, I wish, it would rain, forever..”

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.4.17
Heart beats + tell me (what happens when you fall too fast..)

“..its hard, to forget once you’ve indulged this deep into their body, watched how they speak, n felt your heart ache for their heart beat some more, promised yourself that you wouldn’t let this feeling take over, that you wouldn’t fall too soon, quickly forgetting that we do not have control over our hearts, this feeling, choosing to silence it before it gives him meaning, before he becomes memory, once again, they all become past tense, always a painful memory, this is what usually happens when you feel too much, you haven’t told them that they can but, will never tell them they can always have this heart, you’ll hide compliments in the name of humorous seductive flirtation n speak when most charitable, how do you fall so fast, this is not about trust, this is about feeling, this is what happens when you want to know n feel at the same time, have you ever felt that way, that their heart beat incidental along pure curiosity, that this is not temporary, that they are anything but misplaced in the location of your heart, apologized for not being able to speak in their presence too passionately at times, n they, responded with kind words n warm hands, when you feel so full near heart beats it becomes hard to proclaim, that you question each word that escapes this mouth, unsure about your character, your heart beat, what happens when you fall too fast, its too early, you can’t tell now but, he doesn’t notice I have already warned n accepted before he could even understand, is it too much, this is what happens when you fall too fast..”