Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

17/4/16 – 18/4/16
A letter to my younger self
I don’t even know where to start, which wound to apologize for, will never forgot the tears that up to this day will never stop, if there was one thing I had to apologize for first, it would be for up to this day about the way you feel about yourself, that even when you were younger told nobody about your scars, that I was always there with you, for you, I told you I would never leave you, even that day when you fought with her again n you went downstairs feeling so much, you couldn’t tell which emotion came first, you took the biggest table knife you could find in the kitchen drawer, put your arm out, made sure your eyes were ready, took the knife helping it find its way over your bare skin, you were only 12, this is what you wanted her to understand, even though it didn’t make sense to anybody but yourself, you tried to make her look as you cried for all you insecurities, your broken body, the pain, the emotion that you didn’t understand, you tried to make her feel what you felt but she didn’t understand even when that knife scrapped your bare skin several times, she never looked back, she never tried to look back, it was at that moment you felt that she didn’t care, that it wouldn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care if your blood found its way to the floor, a puddle of emotion, when I think about how when you were little you tried to make sense of so many things, but nothing was working, nothing felt the way it suppose to, there so many things to apologize for n I’m sorry about them, I’m sorry that even up to this day you still cry every single night, I’m sorry that even though you smile its not enough to fix the emotional anxiety, anxiety, something you can’t stop doing, I’m sorry that there’s nothing to really be appreciative of, all I can say is that at least now, I’m getting help, I’m trying so hard to be better for you, I made a promise to myself to be happy, to try n be positive, its all so hard even now, but I’m thankful I’m here today, I just want to make us happy, make these feelings stop, I want us to move forward, to be happy, so I’m getting help for the both of us

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

9/4/16 – 10/4/16
Its not always what it seems

Once again I’m feeling too much, caring too much, hurting too, been hurting way too much, miscounting all the excuses, not excuses, feelings, miscounting the amount of time I’ve been feeling, something like complicated, like my body is tired, like my mouth doesn’t have anymore left to say, like my mind is thinking too much, overthinking too much, I can’t just do anything anymore without thinking, overthinking, I think its starting to be become a problem, we all have something that we do too much, that it starts to become something we can’t stop noticing, realize, its all just too much, lately, I’ve been doing things I don’t usual do, then regret them even more than the first time, just to see if they were really the wrong thing, but lately it’s been happening too often, I don’t want to do anything that will harm this soul, that will cause it be be this hard, this closed, this silenced, I want to change, I’m starting to think that I should probably get these feelings figured out, I want someone to talk to, someone I can tell these things without feeling like a part of me is saying, what do you think your doing, showing all your insecurities, baring so much to someone, anyone, don’t do this, you’ll regret telling them, even though you can trust them you don’t trust yourself, but I just want someone to listen, someone to tell me its all going to be okay, that this will get better, that there is nothing wrong with the way your thinking, you’ll be okay, I don’t want anyone to tell me how I should feel, how they think it should feel, how they feel, I just want someone to listen, I want them to make a note of it so they can come up with the answers, because I’ve been trying to solve this all on my own, and I can’t help but feel broken, the internal cracks they’ve left are too much to handle, too much to comprehend, its all just too much, I need someone to help me understand this all, I just want someone to talk to, someone who truly understands, acknowledge, that its hard, that I’m trying my best, that I’m worth all the effort, that I can love myself, and be loved back, that love can be reciprocate, that love is something beautiful, that it doesn’t always tare you down, building walls, bridges, barriers, but will make you better, will be emotionally worth the pain, that just because there’s pain I shouldn’t give up, I feel better now, I’m the only one left that I can talk to, I’m trying to fix the me that I think is broken so much, but its been so long, the tools god has given me are failing at my bare hands, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve had enough, of feeling like I don’t want to live like this anymore, I’m scared of telling the doctor, because I don’t want them to think that I’m making this up, that its all in my head, that its nothing, but when your feeling this way, nothing makes any sense, so you’ll tell the doctor the truth, that this is your truth, that your not lying, that every time you feel like this nothing else matters, its as though the earth has broken in two, and your the only one left to deal with the wreckage, this is what if feels like, this is your reality, you’ll tell the doctor that you don’t want to be broken anymore, that you want to be fixed, you’ll look at them with your hands in soft fists, take a short breath and say, I’ve got no where else to go, no one left to turn to, you want to get better, so you’ll bite your lip, close you eyes and repeat, please fix me, I want to get better for myself, and open your eyes

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

4/3/16 – 5/3/16
M.B.A: Whats left

You struck a cord, turn me into love game, turn this jagged into self pity, look at what you’ve done

You play this game too often, I should’ve known it could never be this easy

Its moments like these, that teach girls that this is what they are capable of and it all stops right there, as they hand you themselves, you hand them blood thirsty, teeth, scars, wounds, trailing holes into themselves leaving emotional damage of where their trust in boys, men will mutate

Can’t  you see what you’ve done, taking broken and giving it a chance, her taking unworthy giving it a chance, look at this cult of broken hearts, pretty words with empty sounds

You’ll never comprehend, this is where and why us girls learn that our bodies are like diamonds, precious, before we even learn the meaning of our emotional worth

It is why they say do not trust, treat your body like you’re beautiful, you are beautiful, be self less, be blunt dager, be so much conversation, but never forget you are worth every worship, never forget it is them who suffer most when a good thing is gone

Coming to terms with all the imperfections about yourself, is the key to happiness said some 20 year old girl

ENTRY 4#

12/07/15: My K-pop (Korean Pop) Story

When I was about 10 years old I was nothing but a back drop if I’m being really honest, I was always stuck in others shadow’s, I never spoke to people, if anything people spoke to me, I never had any real friends and I didn’t know anything about myself. It was something I never thought about. At this age I started getting teased for all sorts of things, people asked to touch my hair comparing it to the cushion of a pillow and even sheep fur, at this age I thought it was a complement, nothing more nothing less. I was just happy to get some attention, of what I thought would evolve into friendship.

When I was 11 the bullies became more frequent, my social anxiety become more known through out my year level, which made me want to keep to myself even more. I hated going to school, the sight of knowing that I’ll be alone all day was frustrating and made me feel uncomfortable. I hated being at home too, but my bedroom was my safe haven. I started writing poetry when I was at this age because one day I felt the satisfying rush of not having to constantly bottle up my feelings but writing them down on pieces of paper felt like a friend, I still have them even up until this day.

For me, going to high school was nothing to be proud of; To me it just meant that I’d still have no friends, my social anxiety would peek and I’d be left in a far worse position then what I was left with in primary school.

I was still writing poems at the age of 13, having no one to talk to it was the only way I could communicate what I felt. Being the way I was, shy, socially unable, distant and reluctant to talk made things hard for me, even while I was at home. My fights with my mum got worse by night and it always resulted to me plotting my life away, doing things I only imagined of doing but never putting them into motion.

My sisters always joke about me not being in their childhood and I joke back pretending I don’t know the real reason why, its simple, it’s because

“I was never happy enough to be together with even them, but locked up in my bedroom gave me a little bit of a taste”

Things started changing when I was in year 8.

I met one of my best friends who showed me a whole new meaning to life itself, she was my number one motivator and believer in anything I wanted to do. She was the friend I basically never had growing up, and I was so glad I finally got to meet her.

She is literally my world even up until today! she broke my shell of confidence and in that instant I become a new person I didn’t even know I could be funny. All these new personality qualities I had rushing through me were giving me a new meaning to being alive, I’m so grateful to her everyday I don’t think she even understands how much she had changed my life.

It was in my new process of learning about myself that I found the k-pop world. Flashy, cool gentlemen dancing and singing in Korean in which I feel in love. I’ll never forget it.

I was on Bebo after school and I went on my friends page. Scrolling down her profile I scanned the groups section and I saw this page which read something along the lines of ‘Asians are the best’ I clicked on it cause I wanted to see the display picture. But once I was on the actual page I scrolled down to see what it was about and that’s when I first experienced my blood rush for the right reasons watching a ‘Big Bang Haru haru (day by day)’ music video and from then on it was a snowball effect. I went onto YouTube searched Big Bang and timeless options came up; I listened to all their songs and that’s when I met with my ultimate k-pop group, ‘Super Junior’

The reason I say ‘Super Junior’ is my ultimate kpop group is that I think just like with any other loyal fan you gain a special connection with a band when you feel unhappy about a lot of things, and that band has the ability to make you instantly happy! regardless! that kind of connection can never be broken.

Super Junior become my main source of happiness no matter what, I can say this because it was a fact for me.

They helped me a lot through finding happiness within myself and being the person I am today, they helped mold me into this somewhat confident, sometimes straight forward, happy, learning about herself and what makes her happy kind of person. I have a lot to thank them for, and they don’t even know it.

If I had to leave one person who’s feeling uneasy about themselves or even unhappy is this

“I know its hard, but there is always someone out there waiting for you to meet them so you can be the best person you know you can, always have hope, you’re not the only one. Even now I’m still learning about myself, it’s all about being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to make those mistakes because without mistakes we won’t really know whether it was worth it or not, so it’s definitely worth a try. If you ever need an ear or advice I’m here and willing, never give up”

TimaOUT.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate (MBA)

27/1/15: Flames
on my 18th birthday we went out to a family restaurant, I remember on our way there I was thinking about how this could go either two ways but remembering our family history of unsettled relations entwining it was bound to be anything but, not long after we sat down at our table before I knew it dad said something that set the table on fire, I remember thinking how could i be so stupid, you can’t fix what was never really broken, I remembered the embarrassment, the sadness it was more than what we were celebrating because on that day I realised our family was something like a burning house fire, I was always made out to be extinguisher in the family, it was never a choice, my role in the family was to always take out the fires and to tame its blue flames, I was always trying to extinguish these red, yellow blue flames just like my mum told me, but dealing with other people’s problems never really gave me time to think about mine, I didn’t realise I was broken until I turned 20, I was always busy trying to fix our broken family but never myself, there were days where I’d be crying sometimes I didn’t even know why, there were days where I plotted my own life away thinking that was the only solution, I was so confused that it turned me into someone that was unable to talk unless spoken to, someone who was reserved because strangers were something to be feared, I was always taken advantage of by others because this was the constitution in my house as I was growing up, mum I learned how to trampled on because I was never allowed to say what hurt me, there are still days I sit in my room and cried without knowing why, sometimes it’s because I feel sorry for myself, I never let anyone know what was kept hidden inside growing up, there are still days when I cry in my room I fear those days will never end, I still don’t know why, I’m still learning about what makes me happy keeping them skin close, this is my way of surviving our burning house fire

FH.

When you realize being in your early years of adulthood are still pretty intimidating but also you’re not the only one, you feel better

Entry 3# If there are things I’ve realized about being in my very early years of adulthood its these few things: Don’t worry your never the only one You don’t have to have yourself figured out The amount of people … Continue reading

My year 9 teacher waved at me once, I never waved back, I just watched her car drive away

Entry 2#

When I was in year 9 I was always tied down to my friends at school and my bedroom.

There was an incident that can never leave my memory. I always remember it so clearly when ever I tell others about this story, and each time my enthusiastic exclaiming is always exactly the same; Because as a child who was still learning not only about herself, how to deal with difficult situations and no confidence to boot, was tough.

This wasn’t the first time.

These two teachers were notorious for always shattering and shaming me whether it be in the classroom for everyone to hear or for my eyes and ears only.

I was siting at a corner with three of my friends with books that we had been asked to pick out of the sticker colour coated boxes.

I started reading the book I chose for the second time and the first few pages didn’t interest me at all, so I asked my friend what book she was reading and if I could read a few pages of it because I was thinking of getting another book anyway.

Turns out I passed the first chapter and I was hooked! So I made my way to swap my book for a more interesting read.

The teachers then called us back to our tables and went around asking each of us what book we had chosen.

It came to my turn and as soon I said which book I had decided on reading, right in front of the class Miss Hamilton had looked at Miss Russel and said

“are you sure she can read that..I don’t think she can” 

Right in front of everyone, then they both looked at me looked back and mind you I could hear every word they were saying and so could the whole class.

It was right at that moment that I had stopped reading all together. I remember feeling so embarrassed and dejected I didn’t even know what to do, I literally just wanted to run to the bathrooms and cry.

Since that day I have only read one book, and is in the stimulating process of reading another.

It’s a healing process.

Tima OUT.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate (MBA)

Melody of Being Animate (MBA)
13/1/15 – Rita You Stupid

To Rita Panahi, this is my unapologetic catharsis, for every graphic marginalization written, for each column, each publication for you to keep your day job, speeching this oppression that my religion keeps me hostage, show me, where is this oppressed Muslim you scribble that doesn’t live in a third world country, not saying its plausible, but it sure as hell isn’t justified for every Muslim in your horizons, we’re not every Muslim girl you write about, we dare to be called human, emotions, boiling towards your unintelligent reasoning of all the crap you thought sounded informative on Sunrise, your exactly the kind of people that us Muslims pray for, our religion is not something for you to critic, it isn’t something for you to knit pick and twist, our religion is faith binding, its connecting with god to guide us so we don’t end up as ignorant as you, you, who thinks narrow minded, marginalizing the minority because of a majority, you, who believes, that comparing happens in Syria is relevant or equivalent to happenings in our backyards, I’ve heard Islam recycled with the word terrorist too many times, these words used for beasts, inhuman, dehumanized, I will not apologize for the way I feel, they need to know that not all Muslims are capable of beastly attacks of the innocent, they need to understand we are the innocent, we survive all that the media shackles on our chains, life chambers only they have the power to destroy, staining our daily lives effortlessly, the media is the reason I don’t feel safe riding the train, the reason walking out my door feels like hunting season, its numbing to know our world is slowly crumbling with injustice so strong, for awhile now I’ve felt just about done as Lupe, feels like unsolicited, existing, in this, tormenting democracy of the apartheid, when will injustice stop having a colour, a religion to hide behind.

FH – Fatma Hussein.

Annyeong, from Australia: This is me taking a leap of faith into the unknown

ENTRY 1#

I’ve been reading this book about constraints you face when you turn 20, its titled ‘What I wish I knew when I was 20’ by Tina Seelig.

She talks about a variety of problems, and solutions that are so simple, it’s literally ridiculous. She wrote this ingenuous book on how to exercise a creative mind. It was strange at first because I found it hard to believe that someone could easily just teach creativity, creativity isn’t something that you learn its something along the lines of talent. But as I read on she challenges you both physically and mentally in having an open mind about solutions to problems you may think are impossible. It took me until chapter 2 to realize that not only is she training and challenging my brain, but she’s unknowingly teaching your brain to have an open solution to everything that you may think is impossible, she guides you into thinking in a different, positive state of mind.

I’m now up to chapter 4, and realizing that I need to change the way I think and do things that I normally would not do because

“without failure how do you expect to succeed” 

So this is me challenging myself, putting myself out there into the unknown.

Tima OUT.