Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

17/4/16 – 18/4/16
A letter to my younger self
I don’t even know where to start, which wound to apologize for, will never forgot the tears that up to this day will never stop, if there was one thing I had to apologize for first, it would be for up to this day about the way you feel about yourself, that even when you were younger told nobody about your scars, that I was always there with you, for you, I told you I would never leave you, even that day when you fought with her again n you went downstairs feeling so much, you couldn’t tell which emotion came first, you took the biggest table knife you could find in the kitchen drawer, put your arm out, made sure your eyes were ready, took the knife helping it find its way over your bare skin, you were only 12, this is what you wanted her to understand, even though it didn’t make sense to anybody but yourself, you tried to make her look as you cried for all you insecurities, your broken body, the pain, the emotion that you didn’t understand, you tried to make her feel what you felt but she didn’t understand even when that knife scrapped your bare skin several times, she never looked back, she never tried to look back, it was at that moment you felt that she didn’t care, that it wouldn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care if your blood found its way to the floor, a puddle of emotion, when I think about how when you were little you tried to make sense of so many things, but nothing was working, nothing felt the way it suppose to, there so many things to apologize for n I’m sorry about them, I’m sorry that even up to this day you still cry every single night, I’m sorry that even though you smile its not enough to fix the emotional anxiety, anxiety, something you can’t stop doing, I’m sorry that there’s nothing to really be appreciative of, all I can say is that at least now, I’m getting help, I’m trying so hard to be better for you, I made a promise to myself to be happy, to try n be positive, its all so hard even now, but I’m thankful I’m here today, I just want to make us happy, make these feelings stop, I want us to move forward, to be happy, so I’m getting help for the both of us

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

25/02/16

M.B.A: We made magic

Take me back, that night I learned how to fall again, the place where we danced felt like it was resurrected out of a beautiful love song, as I’m dedicating this, I am remembering detailed parts where you uncovered so much, told us your story, making our way back to our dance floor, you softy took my hand in yours without letting go, the way I didn’t let you go, what felt like our moment, our song, each song became a recurring memory, you became a recurring memory, your touch keeping me from being anywhere but too close, as your fingertips strum my skin, your eye gazing, I dare say hypnotized, I remember the way your eyes hid behind the dark corner, we became so much magic that night, hidden behind your glasses, as the dj’s light bounced off each beat, I’ll never forget the way I, backed up to that corner, the way your feet followed in my footsteps without no hezitation, bitting my lip pulling you so close, but what lingers the most is the way we made magic out of that night, it was the way our lips kissed, leaving ache for more, it was the way, I bit your bottom lip, n how you reciprocated with biting my tongue, I’ll never forget this magic, it was the day after when I had finally allowed myself to forget about him, you became a heartbeat, you have what I’ve told myself I can not leave without, something that’s growing too big for my insides to hold on to, this poem could never capture its magic, its my devoted weakness, this feeling quickly mutated into infatuation, you were all I could think about

Coming to terms with all the imperfections about yourself, is the key to happiness said some 20 year old girl

ENTRY 4#

12/07/15: My K-pop (Korean Pop) Story

When I was about 10 years old I was nothing but a back drop if I’m being really honest, I was always stuck in others shadow’s, I never spoke to people, if anything people spoke to me, I never had any real friends and I didn’t know anything about myself. It was something I never thought about. At this age I started getting teased for all sorts of things, people asked to touch my hair comparing it to the cushion of a pillow and even sheep fur, at this age I thought it was a complement, nothing more nothing less. I was just happy to get some attention, of what I thought would evolve into friendship.

When I was 11 the bullies became more frequent, my social anxiety become more known through out my year level, which made me want to keep to myself even more. I hated going to school, the sight of knowing that I’ll be alone all day was frustrating and made me feel uncomfortable. I hated being at home too, but my bedroom was my safe haven. I started writing poetry when I was at this age because one day I felt the satisfying rush of not having to constantly bottle up my feelings but writing them down on pieces of paper felt like a friend, I still have them even up until this day.

For me, going to high school was nothing to be proud of; To me it just meant that I’d still have no friends, my social anxiety would peek and I’d be left in a far worse position then what I was left with in primary school.

I was still writing poems at the age of 13, having no one to talk to it was the only way I could communicate what I felt. Being the way I was, shy, socially unable, distant and reluctant to talk made things hard for me, even while I was at home. My fights with my mum got worse by night and it always resulted to me plotting my life away, doing things I only imagined of doing but never putting them into motion.

My sisters always joke about me not being in their childhood and I joke back pretending I don’t know the real reason why, its simple, it’s because

“I was never happy enough to be together with even them, but locked up in my bedroom gave me a little bit of a taste”

Things started changing when I was in year 8.

I met one of my best friends who showed me a whole new meaning to life itself, she was my number one motivator and believer in anything I wanted to do. She was the friend I basically never had growing up, and I was so glad I finally got to meet her.

She is literally my world even up until today! she broke my shell of confidence and in that instant I become a new person I didn’t even know I could be funny. All these new personality qualities I had rushing through me were giving me a new meaning to being alive, I’m so grateful to her everyday I don’t think she even understands how much she had changed my life.

It was in my new process of learning about myself that I found the k-pop world. Flashy, cool gentlemen dancing and singing in Korean in which I feel in love. I’ll never forget it.

I was on Bebo after school and I went on my friends page. Scrolling down her profile I scanned the groups section and I saw this page which read something along the lines of ‘Asians are the best’ I clicked on it cause I wanted to see the display picture. But once I was on the actual page I scrolled down to see what it was about and that’s when I first experienced my blood rush for the right reasons watching a ‘Big Bang Haru haru (day by day)’ music video and from then on it was a snowball effect. I went onto YouTube searched Big Bang and timeless options came up; I listened to all their songs and that’s when I met with my ultimate k-pop group, ‘Super Junior’

The reason I say ‘Super Junior’ is my ultimate kpop group is that I think just like with any other loyal fan you gain a special connection with a band when you feel unhappy about a lot of things, and that band has the ability to make you instantly happy! regardless! that kind of connection can never be broken.

Super Junior become my main source of happiness no matter what, I can say this because it was a fact for me.

They helped me a lot through finding happiness within myself and being the person I am today, they helped mold me into this somewhat confident, sometimes straight forward, happy, learning about herself and what makes her happy kind of person. I have a lot to thank them for, and they don’t even know it.

If I had to leave one person who’s feeling uneasy about themselves or even unhappy is this

“I know its hard, but there is always someone out there waiting for you to meet them so you can be the best person you know you can, always have hope, you’re not the only one. Even now I’m still learning about myself, it’s all about being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to make those mistakes because without mistakes we won’t really know whether it was worth it or not, so it’s definitely worth a try. If you ever need an ear or advice I’m here and willing, never give up”

TimaOUT.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate (MBA)

27/1/15: Flames
on my 18th birthday we went out to a family restaurant, I remember on our way there I was thinking about how this could go either two ways but remembering our family history of unsettled relations entwining it was bound to be anything but, not long after we sat down at our table before I knew it dad said something that set the table on fire, I remember thinking how could i be so stupid, you can’t fix what was never really broken, I remembered the embarrassment, the sadness it was more than what we were celebrating because on that day I realised our family was something like a burning house fire, I was always made out to be extinguisher in the family, it was never a choice, my role in the family was to always take out the fires and to tame its blue flames, I was always trying to extinguish these red, yellow blue flames just like my mum told me, but dealing with other people’s problems never really gave me time to think about mine, I didn’t realise I was broken until I turned 20, I was always busy trying to fix our broken family but never myself, there were days where I’d be crying sometimes I didn’t even know why, there were days where I plotted my own life away thinking that was the only solution, I was so confused that it turned me into someone that was unable to talk unless spoken to, someone who was reserved because strangers were something to be feared, I was always taken advantage of by others because this was the constitution in my house as I was growing up, mum I learned how to trampled on because I was never allowed to say what hurt me, there are still days I sit in my room and cried without knowing why, sometimes it’s because I feel sorry for myself, I never let anyone know what was kept hidden inside growing up, there are still days when I cry in my room I fear those days will never end, I still don’t know why, I’m still learning about what makes me happy keeping them skin close, this is my way of surviving our burning house fire

FH.

When you realize being in your early years of adulthood are still pretty intimidating but also you’re not the only one, you feel better

Entry 3# If there are things I’ve realized about being in my very early years of adulthood its these few things: Don’t worry your never the only one You don’t have to have yourself figured out The amount of people … Continue reading