Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

28.1.18 | do you lie to yourself

I’ll never understand the human body, it’s the type of mobility that can live on dishonesty and feed off love, where do you begin to trust a world of survival when you hear things that leave mouths connected to ourselves and them, I’ve never been a person that celebrates this kind of morality, I don’t like hearing things that are pretend when they are glaring in my eyes and seeping out of my intuition this way, sure, we are dreamers but in this world lying about self is never the easy way out, haven’t you met mother earth already, hasn’t she told you that this world is according to your choice of life yet, that when we choice between a lie and the truth we are giving the other person control, that they can catch up to our variety of make belief, that when you lie you forget that you’re also lying to yourself and your body will start to feel cracks and you won’t have noticed, our body is full on so much already, I trust you won’t be able to keep up with the bodies confessions that are not yet complicatedly understood by yourself nor its core, the world is suffocating on so much potential don’t be another one of its unwanted phenomenon’s.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.1.18

Lately, I’ve been finding myself in really strange realities, Im seeing and noticing things that haven’t happened already with so much clarity, and in the same instant losing sleep, and my apatite, Im starting to feel my whole body in this kind of outward gravity, like my body is trying so hard to exist in a kind of presence where I can already see what’s unfolding right before my eyes before it has even happened and all I can do is watch and be cautious of myself, my sense of trust and truth could not be any stronger, I am feeling words like chaos, pain, their feelings, them, the ones who interact with me, watching words that leave their mouth and how their body language acts, I don’t even listen to most of their narrative anymore its enough to watch them speak, I am much more patience in this state of mind with a sense of anarchy and sharp awareness for the way others self whether they choose to show me or not, these types of things are not constraint to me, I am so much more confident in my narrative, what leaves my mouth is absolute, my truth has never been this much voice, there is less body, I am so much self in this state of mind there is no balance just a different sense of lost and reality in the same being but never constraint to these words, I am the most believe when I am this type of self, there’s a strong yielding of bind that holds me, I am finding it really hard to sleep with all this mind, I am in parallels with different moods, realities, and myself where do I even begin to find stability in this actual resilience.

Entry #8: Mental Health Update. (Overdue) – CHECK IN.

10.1.18

I went for a check up on Monday to pick up a new mental health plan, and my doc asked me to do the same list of questions I do whenever I go and see him.

On that day I had a whole other heap of things going on with my body and being in that same room that I got my first diagnosis reminds me of how heavy it felt to breathe, and emphasized how much I hated going to the doctors. Anyway, I filled out the form with all the familiar questions and answers and I want to say that the results were not that bad but as I looked at my answers in a whole and I was in a little bit in shock. Because, you know it was one of those moments where you don’t know something is that bad until you  stop and step back to look at it in its entirety and realise

“wow, we still have a long way to go” 

that’s almost how I felt.

After I handed him back the paper I was feeling pretty shaky, couldn’t stay still and the doc looked at me and asked me if I feel like I’ve been feeling any progress with therapy and I tell him yes I have, then he asks me about self-harm and suicide and I’m just so shocked at how confronting those words were to hear them from another person’s mouth, becuse keep in mind I litrally do not see him unless I have to get another mental health plan and also as someone who lives in a world where we are still not able to mention these kinds of words and talk about mental health in a whollistic reality I couldn’t help but feel so taken back. I couldn’t bring myself to be so direct and so I told him just thoughts.

When I looked up he was typing on his computer and I was trying to figure out what his filling out, then he looks over to me and says okay so you’ve been doing therapy for a while now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, I think its time we also give you some medication and do a detailed mental diagnosis.

I’m being very comical about it now but YOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS SHOOK!! I never in my life thought I would have to take a prescription. I was so content with therapy, meditation and other things even though they were fading away so fast from my routine I still wanted to think that one day I’ll get back to it again.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH. I was so shocked and nervous when he said that though he had to repeat what he said and I just remember being in my head like wow, okay so I’m not getting any better and what I have to do this, should I do this…is this something that I should now consider. I just told him “yea, okay.”

I had my psych appointment that day so I told her about it and expressed all my concerns and she said that its an option, and suggested that I go for the appointment and send her the name of the prescription and we can have a look at it together. So I think that’s what I’m thinking of doing, I don’t have to take it right away she said so I feel a little reassured by this, however, I’m still very scared and nervous about a lot of things at this point.

I just wanted to fill myself in on whats been going on because I have no else to tell but myself, soooo….this is what I’m going through right now and I’ll check in another time.

F.H

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

10.1.18

We are all dangerous lost souls searching for love in a world where we are not always seen as daring fables and shooting stars, but rather alchemists that confined in the ways of a world that is shattering at our futures predicament, can feel how we have been aliened to be to shake off this kind of abnormal can you see how they have told us to be, shape shift and see the world for what it really is, can we be the intangibles that come and rescue ourselves from a place that is not yet a reality in this life time, can we only create a reality in this life time, which is to see the future, to know what your body has been begging of you, so touch your own heart and not always another, to come close to your body and witness the way it survives and thrives off the rain the rays how we are so well known for the comfort we give to ourselves, that we are this type of selfish for ourselves, bliss, fable, dreamer, beauty that can never be seen by your average, the secret is the kind of flame that lives inside of our minds, that is the kind of love we should also be searching for, the one that also lets the heart breathe, touch your skin, feel your body believe from the inside, you have always been a norm to what is not normal, now breathe, you’re a welcomed breath here.