I went for a check up on Monday to pick up a new mental health plan, and my doc asked me to do the same list of questions I do whenever I go and see him.
On that day I had a whole other heap of things going on with my body and being in that same room that I got my first diagnosis reminds me of how heavy it felt to breathe, and emphasized how much I hated going to the doctors. Anyway, I filled out the form with all the familiar questions and answers and I want to say that the results were not that bad but as I looked at my answers in a whole and I was in a little bit in shock. Because, you know it was one of those moments where you don’t know something is that bad until you stop and step back to look at it in its entirety and realise
“wow, we still have a long way to go”
that’s almost how I felt.
After I handed him back the paper I was feeling pretty shaky, couldn’t stay still and the doc looked at me and asked me if I feel like I’ve been feeling any progress with therapy and I tell him yes I have, then he asks me about self-harm and suicide and I’m just so shocked at how confronting those words were to hear them from another person’s mouth, becuse keep in mind I litrally do not see him unless I have to get another mental health plan and also as someone who lives in a world where we are still not able to mention these kinds of words and talk about mental health in a whollistic reality I couldn’t help but feel so taken back. I couldn’t bring myself to be so direct and so I told him just thoughts.
When I looked up he was typing on his computer and I was trying to figure out what his filling out, then he looks over to me and says okay so you’ve been doing therapy for a while now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, I think its time we also give you some medication and do a detailed mental diagnosis.
I’m being very comical about it now but YOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS SHOOK!! I never in my life thought I would have to take a prescription. I was so content with therapy, meditation and other things even though they were fading away so fast from my routine I still wanted to think that one day I’ll get back to it again.
BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH. I was so shocked and nervous when he said that though he had to repeat what he said and I just remember being in my head like wow, okay so I’m not getting any better and what I have to do this, should I do this…is this something that I should now consider. I just told him “yea, okay.”
I had my psych appointment that day so I told her about it and expressed all my concerns and she said that its an option, and suggested that I go for the appointment and send her the name of the prescription and we can have a look at it together. So I think that’s what I’m thinking of doing, I don’t have to take it right away she said so I feel a little reassured by this, however, I’m still very scared and nervous about a lot of things at this point.
I just wanted to fill myself in on whats been going on because I have no else to tell but myself, soooo….this is what I’m going through right now and I’ll check in another time.