Entry #16: A follow up from entry #14 and my why. (back to basics bruh)

Hey dreamers, so I’ve had some time to think since the realization I had in regards to what had actually happened on the day of Russ’s concert in Melbourne. I want to first point out that since the issue I have been more and more internally affected more than I thought I would have been, cause its been weeks now. I want to break it down in a few ways. The first would be what is the root of my disappointment, and why. The second, how is this affecting my mental health and lastly how can I overcome this for my soul because ya’ll know I am fine about it however my body, my soul is not so I am now left thinking how to heal from this for her too.

So the first question, what is the root of my disappointment. Well, its a few things that I honestly thought I was so done mentioning because even I was getting tired of talking about it and questioning myself about it in the form of “I don’t understand why she would lie?” and “Anyone that knows me knows that the one thing I can not stand for is being lied to. So knowing this why did my close friend of 10 years plus lie to my face?”. The reason why I am so disappointed is because I am someone that strives to always tell the truth, I don’t feel like I need to lie about anything to anyone, this is just who I am. I practice so much self care, love, growth, respect, worth, awareness and more for the purpose of being my highest best self and when those who I have allowed into my space as well as my world, I am counting on you to treat me the way I treat you. This is a mantra I truly hold high. Not only in my self, however my close friends as well. So to me, this is something that has been earned in form of trust, connection, skin ship, energy, and compassion and more. I would like to also lastly mention that as a close friend of mine, if you do not feel the need to say anything to me when I have made it clear to you that you have done something to me that clearly over steps my boundaries and in turn you still then clearly go on to act as though nothing has happened the day after is unacceptable. What you’re really communicating to me is, “I don’t care about our connection/friendship enough.” Period.

When it comes to how this situation is affecting my mental health, mostly my clinical depression and anxiety I must say I am really shook. I did not know this is how my body would react at all. However, after dwelling on it and talking it out loud to not only myself but some close friends and family I can see it all clearly now. If I am being really honest it goes back to my childhood, who I am healing from, and my becoming adult self growth and more now. Because I have grown to have such high standards for myself it is also rubbing off on to my interpersonal relationships too, and to be honest I personally think it is a good thing. However, this is not to be misunderstood. I am aware this is not always the case for everyone, and I understand the meaning of pace when it comes to self. So I am very mindful that I do not ever rush anyone to ever do anything they are not ready to do ever. In mentioning this coming back to how this is affecting my mental health, I am needing to heal much deeper than what I may have thought. I will need to really put in more self care, and directly confront my body and soul about how they are wanting to heal. I have also made a decision to take a break off of social media where I am generally able to see their presence in my daily interactions, of cause in the means of where I have the control to do this.

In twine with my second last paragraph, how can I help my soul heal? The best way I know is self care and spending time alone with my body. Since now I have spoken about it to family and those close whom I would ask for advice I now need to self care much more internally. I also have been thinking the most obvious straight forward way to really finish this externally would be to calmly confront my friend, however gentle reminder that is not the root of my issue. I am someone who is pledged with the door slam (Infj tings). Meaning when I have been wronged in any way this is how I protect my home. I cut off the connection without any warning. It has proven to help me in the past and I can honestly say I become better for it, which is why I still access its clarity. So I can begin to truly heal.

In conclusion, not saying this is the right way but I believe this is a way for me, now.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

14.8.19 | Dove.

How do I love now, I write you into the places I have found you into my soul, a part of our whole, a beating heart that feels a lot like a home, its a lot like the way it feels watching the rain, its something like finding a whole that speaks my love language and we match intensities, that part might just be the water Venus in me, its nothing like these flowers, I need a worthy flame to match, its being able to surrender to the air around me and liking it, the way it feels with you is the same as when I get to spend the day with my soul surrounding myself with my favorite words, its the feeling of the days where I am silly happy for no tangible reason, moments where I understand the feeling of touch, and stop making love out to be so matter of fact, truth is love isn’t always as logical as we may love it to be, when emotions are involved no matter how much we fight its feeling it will still rise the only way it knows how best, honestly, my love is how it feels to kiss you without any fear, how it feels when you take my hands into yours, its looking into each others souls, loving is knowing my worth is matched in energy and high vibration, they say the way law of attraction works is easy, yet I’m not sure its so easy to know what you want and know what you’re willing to love about souls no matter how much you realize you fill each other, maybe this is also part of being enough into love, I guess I understand that a love connection is something like creating a whole with each others honest selves, like a whole new world, like hearing words like we belong together spoken out loud and remembering that love could be centered at courage.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.8.19 | Lit up identity.

Imagine a soft voice of rain, imagine a warm space with two chairs sitting across from each other, I have this theory, that if I can’t sleep when its dark it means I am waiting to dream some more, there’s intentional placements about the night that gives me the most comfort, I can’t really quite explain it all for myself yet, I find the silence asks me about my most intimate desires without any judgment, I have come to crave the way it creates our intimacy, teaches me to ache for my own soul this way first, its an anticipated gentle conversation with my body care free of interruptions, I multiply myself the most here too, and rain candidly here in love too, these nights are my dreaming fables true alter ego-, But I do not judge her process, I make room for her passing, create necessary space for another type of love another type of me-, Night dreaming is a soul mate kind of home, it doesn’t always feel like anything yet just being seems to be enough, this is reminded into us both, sometimes gratitude, some affirmations, strings that held us back watching them melt away from our tree house warmth, life seems much easier in the dark for me, much lighter up here too, the familiar Melody of Being Animate breathes much intense in here, its as though I can know the true lust of words from this silver sky, this is the wake in my care that I can burn the most present, its a cold flame displaced near others without my really knowing, an air like there shouldn’t always be answers for everything yet, I am told my body adores my soul so my path is in everything that aligns with its patience, I’ve been seen to become watchful of my own, a mindful fixer upperer mad of loyal devotion, extensions of you don’t always have to make sense of things that bewilder your identity here yet, sometimes its enough to just let yourself get carried away by the rain, its not fair on your soul to deny yourself the will it desires the most even when it doesn’t match what you need, -More than often having what you didn’t want, is having what you didn’t know you needed, what our body needs is what we want-, This is my warm Smokey candle lit essence warped dreamer in the night-, Her only penetrated fear is herself.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

To date. 5.8.19

I confess, I don’t want to admit this too loud, so won’t you come closer, I want to madly share with you what I have found to love as hard as you wish you wouldn’t, I’ve been holding this in so much I am not sure why my heart had began reaching for yours this restlessly now, it feels like for so long we may have thought we would not make it here, and now we may be two souls that have found each other yet again, so my heart is breaking asking me it has to be more than fate, believe that when you have felt like you can’t remain without this feeling too you start to believe in dotting motions like love again, you start to understand that whole bodies are more than a specific guise of a person, I read somewhere that destined to meet mirror each others reflections and I think this might have some sight to it, I never really stopped believing in love I thought love stopped believing in me, funny how love likes to find us late in the morning, likes to wake before the light of a new day, how this feels like long before the beginning of time, strangely uncanny how some of us are as dreamy as passing clouds as hopeful hearts, how we have been found to believe everything happens for a reason, thought you left these floating feelings when you stopped looking up at wishing stars, I find myself writing you into my existence even when I don’t mean to, even when I don’t cast to love you this hard how does a heart loose a love this blue planet of ours, -I gave affirmations the way I breathed into this 3D reality, how canny is spring in late November meeting such an air about her fire-, she knows about what it means to be scared while in love with wounded hearts on paths damned with self, she is living proof, knows we don’t need anybody sometimes we are still scared of being lost or running away, for her much like her anchored planet, for him much like a brave placement into compassion about matters of the heart, a type of softness that doesn’t believe in love anymore maybe they have this in common, her a future and him a past, how cycles learn to repeat its intended sucker, this is all her luck, she can feel all this impatience into her and his hand soft on her heart, he will never know this secret season is so typical, seasonal love ended with him some time near her high feminine vibration she claimed to feel his heart some time ago, a home that is not here, a patient masc with high vibration, his air is a speechless sent and shes back to where she had almost began-, The thing with energy care when it comes to love is that they are the almost explained without mantras, without being motivated by knowledge, reflection and intuition-, A love without being intuitively self aware is a love manifested to be karmic, and maybe this too is still, maybe I am madly wrong and I just can’t seem to let go as much as I think to will it.