Hey dreamers, so I’ve had some time to think since the realization I had in regards to what had actually happened on the day of Russ’s concert in Melbourne. I want to first point out that since the issue I have been more and more internally affected more than I thought I would have been, cause its been weeks now. I want to break it down in a few ways. The first would be what is the root of my disappointment, and why. The second, how is this affecting my mental health and lastly how can I overcome this for my soul because ya’ll know I am fine about it however my body, my soul is not so I am now left thinking how to heal from this for her too.
So the first question, what is the root of my disappointment. Well, its a few things that I honestly thought I was so done mentioning because even I was getting tired of talking about it and questioning myself about it in the form of “I don’t understand why she would lie?” and “Anyone that knows me knows that the one thing I can not stand for is being lied to. So knowing this why did my close friend of 10 years plus lie to my face?”. The reason why I am so disappointed is because I am someone that strives to always tell the truth, I don’t feel like I need to lie about anything to anyone, this is just who I am. I practice so much self care, love, growth, respect, worth, awareness and more for the purpose of being my highest best self and when those who I have allowed into my space as well as my world, I am counting on you to treat me the way I treat you. This is a mantra I truly hold high. Not only in my self, however my close friends as well. So to me, this is something that has been earned in form of trust, connection, skin ship, energy, and compassion and more. I would like to also lastly mention that as a close friend of mine, if you do not feel the need to say anything to me when I have made it clear to you that you have done something to me that clearly over steps my boundaries and in turn you still then clearly go on to act as though nothing has happened the day after is unacceptable. What you’re really communicating to me is, “I don’t care about our connection/friendship enough.” Period.
When it comes to how this situation is affecting my mental health, mostly my clinical depression and anxiety I must say I am really shook. I did not know this is how my body would react at all. However, after dwelling on it and talking it out loud to not only myself but some close friends and family I can see it all clearly now. If I am being really honest it goes back to my childhood, who I am healing from, and my becoming adult self growth and more now. Because I have grown to have such high standards for myself it is also rubbing off on to my interpersonal relationships too, and to be honest I personally think it is a good thing. However, this is not to be misunderstood. I am aware this is not always the case for everyone, and I understand the meaning of pace when it comes to self. So I am very mindful that I do not ever rush anyone to ever do anything they are not ready to do ever. In mentioning this coming back to how this is affecting my mental health, I am needing to heal much deeper than what I may have thought. I will need to really put in more self care, and directly confront my body and soul about how they are wanting to heal. I have also made a decision to take a break off of social media where I am generally able to see their presence in my daily interactions, of cause in the means of where I have the control to do this.
In twine with my second last paragraph, how can I help my soul heal? The best way I know is self care and spending time alone with my body. Since now I have spoken about it to family and those close whom I would ask for advice I now need to self care much more internally. I also have been thinking the most obvious straight forward way to really finish this externally would be to calmly confront my friend, however gentle reminder that is not the root of my issue. I am someone who is pledged with the door slam (Infj tings). Meaning when I have been wronged in any way this is how I protect my home. I cut off the connection without any warning. It has proven to help me in the past and I can honestly say I become better for it, which is why I still access its clarity. So I can begin to truly heal.
In conclusion, not saying this is the right way but I believe this is a way for me, now.