Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.2.18 | be careful, you might

Heartbeat 1, and they give me what I want, can get lost in their line of sight and the way they walk, heartbeat 2, when funny is also charming you put two kinds of people together and they become whatever you want it to be, the mind plays, heartbeat 3, how each song is purposely rhymed and you wonder if they know it too, so lost in lyric you could swear it was about them they don’t know these secrets, heartbeat 4, you are known for stealing moments rather than kisses they are the kind of memories that only you have seen, you don’t disclose cryptic behavior very easily count them as a chance, heartbeat 5, could use their voice as my pulse and they would never know, the kind of soft chime that aches even without their presence, heartbeat 6, watch how quickly I smile at things that make no sense hidden, you make no sense remind me how gentle they can be too and maybe you can see it all, they are both a mystery and untouchable, heartbeat 7, the only thing I wait for and they know what it is too, can’t leave without it, please do not read this, heartbeat 8, they are not for consumption of your time remember what belongs to others is not yours do not play with things like trust and attraction, you know this feeling, heartbeat 9, you must choose it a secret, you can not have what is not yours, this is the heart and the minds favorite passion, heartbeat 10, you’re not lost you find heartbeats in them all some of which you can also hold find out its secrets, a pounding feeling been pulling on the heart this grip and intriguing the mind’s game of pure neurotic temptation, seduction is a strength best left to keep guessing.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

10.2.18
love-d.
Often, I wonder at love if I am enough for them, I look at myself and touch the mirror in front of me, I see how my heart aches for a soul that has not yet met the heart, the mind likes to tell the heart its secrets and not me, fears that we are both as hopelessly in love when we see him, there have been lovers but never loved, then I start to mention how often it feels to brake and buckle at the knees when I feel the heart brake this way, you have always sworn to be an addict to love, the mind fears you’re loving all the wrong people, your heart helps the mind explain things like how you felt when they kissed you, that their touch was real, their words, were not in hesitation and you could almost touch them too, the mind, will always side with you when you’re this kind of love because, it knows how much and honest you fall even when you’re not loved the same way, you see the mind talk to the heart and can’t help but want something this real, when you look at love the mind says, find it in yourself first and then in them baby girl, you’re needed in this body too, in yourself, is when you’re able to find loved too.- but I wonder what that looks like, wonder things like how long will I have to wait to see them, have we met already, can they find my soul instead then, I can’t help feel like my heart brake into two even halves this way, he sounds like love to me, why is it that he is not, what’s the difference between love and loved anyway, they are the same ache, the mind tells me no they are different, the heart slows down and I ask how, and it tells me, love, is what we receive when we’re loved, and now, I ache some more.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.1.18 |Past and present. Collateral Beauty.

I told her, she is also the reason behind this mind, said that as a child where do I even begin, all I did was throw glass at myself, when she wouldn’t listen to my heart I went into small spaces and tried to put it back together, there were memories, where I cried about not being unsterstood and when you’re this fragile even as a child you stop speaking about how you feel because you start thinking this, is the way everybody must be, when we look at our parents as children, we forget they are human, when we look at our parents as adults we forget they are human, must be sometype of ourselves, how we headache into a state of sanity, forget about the complicated and simple things in life is to exist and include yourself in your own oaisis of this world, is to refuse to believe how cruel we can also be to ourselves, love, time, death.
dear love,
I have watched you in so many people and things that sometimes I don’t know where to place you in myself, you have shown me so much. I met you in my friends now, and the first, was a boy when I was 15 and I still think about him when you escape my mouth.
dear time,
Why is it that we want to consume you and not get lost in you. I have bothered about it too, however, in my reality, you’re not the issue but the answer. I could drown into your syllables and watch the world fall into my arms too.
dear death,
The first time I met you I was 10, my body has not forgotten how you wanted to show your mother your feelings we, are no strange to you. You have given me a part of myself I think I lose each time and this is when we meet, and you, show me, love. I am still learning about your malaise.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

28.1.18 | do you lie to yourself

I’ll never understand the human body, it’s the type of mobility that can live on dishonesty and feed off love, where do you begin to trust a world of survival when you hear things that leave mouths connected to ourselves and them, I’ve never been a person that celebrates this kind of morality, I don’t like hearing things that are pretend when they are glaring in my eyes and seeping out of my intuition this way, sure, we are dreamers but in this world lying about self is never the easy way out, haven’t you met mother earth already, hasn’t she told you that this world is according to your choice of life yet, that when we choice between a lie and the truth we are giving the other person control, that they can catch up to our variety of make belief, that when you lie you forget that you’re also lying to yourself and your body will start to feel cracks and you won’t have noticed, our body is full on so much already, I trust you won’t be able to keep up with the bodies confessions that are not yet complicatedly understood by yourself nor its core, the world is suffocating on so much potential don’t be another one of its unwanted phenomenon’s.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.1.18

Lately, I’ve been finding myself in really strange realities, Im seeing and noticing things that haven’t happened already with so much clarity, and in the same instant losing sleep, and my apatite, Im starting to feel my whole body in this kind of outward gravity, like my body is trying so hard to exist in a kind of presence where I can already see what’s unfolding right before my eyes before it has even happened and all I can do is watch and be cautious of myself, my sense of trust and truth could not be any stronger, I am feeling words like chaos, pain, their feelings, them, the ones who interact with me, watching words that leave their mouth and how their body language acts, I don’t even listen to most of their narrative anymore its enough to watch them speak, I am much more patience in this state of mind with a sense of anarchy and sharp awareness for the way others self whether they choose to show me or not, these types of things are not constraint to me, I am so much more confident in my narrative, what leaves my mouth is absolute, my truth has never been this much voice, there is less body, I am so much self in this state of mind there is no balance just a different sense of lost and reality in the same being but never constraint to these words, I am the most believe when I am this type of self, there’s a strong yielding of bind that holds me, I am finding it really hard to sleep with all this mind, I am in parallels with different moods, realities, and myself where do I even begin to find stability in this actual resilience.

Entry #8: Mental Health Update. (Overdue) – CHECK IN.

10.1.18

I went for a check up on Monday to pick up a new mental health plan, and my doc asked me to do the same list of questions I do whenever I go and see him.

On that day I had a whole other heap of things going on with my body and being in that same room that I got my first diagnosis reminds me of how heavy it felt to breathe, and emphasized how much I hated going to the doctors. Anyway, I filled out the form with all the familiar questions and answers and I want to say that the results were not that bad but as I looked at my answers in a whole and I was in a little bit in shock. Because, you know it was one of those moments where you don’t know something is that bad until you  stop and step back to look at it in its entirety and realise

“wow, we still have a long way to go” 

that’s almost how I felt.

After I handed him back the paper I was feeling pretty shaky, couldn’t stay still and the doc looked at me and asked me if I feel like I’ve been feeling any progress with therapy and I tell him yes I have, then he asks me about self-harm and suicide and I’m just so shocked at how confronting those words were to hear them from another person’s mouth, becuse keep in mind I litrally do not see him unless I have to get another mental health plan and also as someone who lives in a world where we are still not able to mention these kinds of words and talk about mental health in a whollistic reality I couldn’t help but feel so taken back. I couldn’t bring myself to be so direct and so I told him just thoughts.

When I looked up he was typing on his computer and I was trying to figure out what his filling out, then he looks over to me and says okay so you’ve been doing therapy for a while now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, I think its time we also give you some medication and do a detailed mental diagnosis.

I’m being very comical about it now but YOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS SHOOK!! I never in my life thought I would have to take a prescription. I was so content with therapy, meditation and other things even though they were fading away so fast from my routine I still wanted to think that one day I’ll get back to it again.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH. I was so shocked and nervous when he said that though he had to repeat what he said and I just remember being in my head like wow, okay so I’m not getting any better and what I have to do this, should I do this…is this something that I should now consider. I just told him “yea, okay.”

I had my psych appointment that day so I told her about it and expressed all my concerns and she said that its an option, and suggested that I go for the appointment and send her the name of the prescription and we can have a look at it together. So I think that’s what I’m thinking of doing, I don’t have to take it right away she said so I feel a little reassured by this, however, I’m still very scared and nervous about a lot of things at this point.

I just wanted to fill myself in on whats been going on because I have no else to tell but myself, soooo….this is what I’m going through right now and I’ll check in another time.

F.H

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

10.1.18

We are all dangerous lost souls searching for love in a world where we are not always seen as daring fables and shooting stars, but rather alchemists that confined in the ways of a world that is shattering at our futures predicament, can feel how we have been aliened to be to shake off this kind of abnormal can you see how they have told us to be, shape shift and see the world for what it really is, can we be the intangibles that come and rescue ourselves from a place that is not yet a reality in this life time, can we only create a reality in this life time, which is to see the future, to know what your body has been begging of you, so touch your own heart and not always another, to come close to your body and witness the way it survives and thrives off the rain the rays how we are so well known for the comfort we give to ourselves, that we are this type of selfish for ourselves, bliss, fable, dreamer, beauty that can never be seen by your average, the secret is the kind of flame that lives inside of our minds, that is the kind of love we should also be searching for, the one that also lets the heart breathe, touch your skin, feel your body believe from the inside, you have always been a norm to what is not normal, now breathe, you’re a welcomed breath here.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.12.17 18.12.17
Depression and anxiety. two mindful contradictions

I said, I must just have a really nervous body, the kind of heart racing sensation that doesn’t know how to pace unsteady, watch the simple things around an existence that has learnt to watch how others self but not mine, I have been this type of lost to my own care it has been so long since I have felt anything unfamiliar to anxiety that can shake this body to not want anything unfamiliar, he said to me, none of us are made this way, you have to learn self and detach from familiar, he spoke so softly to me and I couldn’t even look at him, I thought about how predictable we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain, how ominous to feel contradictions like they were happy pills for a way of survival, that we mellow out this pain but finding release in ritual that is driven by emotion and pleasure, how fear is not only an insecurity but also a super power, that we are always so close and hero, how we choose to see the sky depending on our set mood, vivid vibrations to the mutual intensity we can’t help but feel alive when we bask in glorious deeds, that kind of sensitivity that takes over bodies enough to fuel a curious mind, a captivated feeling a body that can smell where he has been even when he chooses to speak in white lies, but never myself, never this breath, Im not even sad about it anymore its to be expected because when you have spent gazes memorizing the air they breathe and their smell how could you forget, I won’t hope for more, I tell them don’t make light of me, I have breathed of you enough when you choose to be this kind of memory, want a love that can be sparked by the scent of flowers and rays, and watch anxiety and of that boy mist into the air, when you’re this way you start to find ways to let the ocean become kin, so soft and fragile you’re, this is the only familiar you’re scared of letting go, you don’t like the way this illness makes you this unbearable thing that you can brake and spit fire at love only to wish you could swallow your own words how irritating, you’re able to be this honest but forget to soften your tone, to only yell at the mind in code and feel the mind speak back saying you can try explaining it to them but it will only look like an excuse you can not come back from this, so when this oasis hits you’re your own company, and a black hole vacancy that is lost and found inside of its own fable.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

4.12.17 | royal temptation (this whole poem is a tease.)

I always find it overwhelmingly intriguing, when the heart gets tugged at this way, you feel it in such a raw and familiar calibre that its almost possessive, how quick the heart chooses a kind of trouble, knowing so well how forbidden it will taste, honeyed, these invisible chains are dangerous to a heart that knows no boundaries when it comes to who it’ll sweeten only for them to touch, glance at and tease, they don’t know this kind of willingness is so much painful and pleasure, so dangerously tempting, its really unfair to make the heart and mind turn want into need this much, watching the way heartbeat speaks only to fantasies about what heat can be done about thier throne to this body, how they can come and drink all of this hydration, to nourish them in ways that can only be teased by the sweetest parts of the mind until they are well fed, which means by me, until we are both full, and watch, how they comand this body, need a heartbeat that can dominate both, both honesty and this, a throne of all this woman and all that royalty, come closer, you can’t possibly be comfortable looking like that, let me help you become a little more familiar with the way I mean

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.11.17
Breath into you
if I had to explain to you how this body works I wouldn’t know where to being, you would have to be spesific, because I have this uncanny of ambiguous proportions that are so grounded and what you want to hear which is the truth you will become so lost and I won’t try to save you, I’ll tell you how beautiful it is to see love and honesty colid and I’ll tell you how you should never believe in other peoples worth words of yourself, I’ll explain to you that you’re the abys of the moon and the mystry of the night sky and this is all magic with just the way you smile, I’ll also allow you to be your truest self in both comfort and rest the inbtween compatibility you have been longing for with just the right amount of I trust you, I’ll repeat cloud 9’s like do what makes you happy, I am here for you, you will awalys matter to me, do not listen to the world it is just background noise, I’ll also listen to the way you speak and motion be honest with you and promise you that your feelings are the exact match of my heart I can almost touch your emotions this is how much and what is beatiful and I care, alot, I’ll remind you that you get an untouched day every day and wait for your resonpse in your eyes, there are some who will expect you to give and I will be there to catch you when they do not give back, if I had to explain how this body works I wouldn’t know where to begin.