Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

17/4/16 – 18/4/16
A letter to my younger self
I don’t even know where to start, which wound to apologize for, will never forgot the tears that up to this day will never stop, if there was one thing I had to apologize for first, it would be for up to this day about the way you feel about yourself, that even when you were younger told nobody about your scars, that I was always there with you, for you, I told you I would never leave you, even that day when you foughtΒ with her again n you went downstairs feeling so much, you couldn’t tell which emotion came first, you took the biggest table knife you could find in the kitchen drawer, put your arm out, made sure your eyes were ready, took the knife helping it find its way over your bare skin, you were only 12, this is what you wanted her to understand, even though it didn’t make sense to anybody but yourself, you tried to make her look as you cried for all you insecurities, your broken body, the pain, the emotion that you didn’t understand, you tried to make her feel what you felt but she didn’t understand even when that knife scrapped your bare skin several times, she never looked back, she never tried to look back, it was at that moment you felt that she didn’t care, that it wouldn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care if your blood found its way to the floor, a puddle of emotion, when I think about how when you were little you tried to make sense of so many things, but nothing was working, nothing felt the way it suppose to, there so many things to apologize for n I’m sorry about them, I’m sorry that even up to this day you still cry every single night, I’m sorry that even though you smile its not enough to fix the emotional anxiety, anxiety, something you can’t stop doing, I’m sorry that there’s nothing to really be appreciative of, all I can say is that at least now, I’m getting help, I’m trying so hard to be better for you, I made a promise to myself to be happy, to try n be positive, its all so hard even now, but I’m thankful I’m here today, I just want to make us happy, make these feelings stop, I want us to move forward, to be happy, so I’m getting help for the both of us

Advertisements

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

9/4/16 – 10/4/16
Its not always what it seems

Once again I’m feeling too much, caring too much, hurting too, been hurting way too much, miscounting all the excuses, not excuses, feelings, miscounting the amount of time I’ve been feeling, something like complicated, like my body is tired, like my mouth doesn’t have anymore left to say, like my mind is thinking too much, overthinking too much, I can’t just do anything anymore without thinking, overthinking, I think its starting to be become a problem, we all have something that we do too much, that it starts to become something we can’t stop noticing, realize, its all just too much, lately, I’ve been doing things I don’t usual do, then regret them even more than the first time, just to see if they were really the wrong thing, but lately it’s been happening too often, I don’t want to do anything that will harm this soul, that will cause it be be this hard, this closed, this silenced, I want to change, I’m starting to think that I should probably get these feelings figured out, I want someone to talk to, someone I can tell these things without feeling like a part of me is saying, what do you think your doing, showing all your insecurities, baring so much to someone, anyone, don’t do this, you’ll regret telling them, even though you can trust them you don’t trust yourself, but I just want someone to listen, someone to tell me its all going to be okay, that this will get better, that there is nothing wrong with the way your thinking, you’ll be okay, I don’t want anyone to tell me how I should feel, how they think it should feel, how they feel, I just want someone to listen, I want them to make a note of it so they can come up with the answers, because I’ve been trying to solve this all on my own, and I can’t help but feel broken, the internal cracks they’ve left are too much to handle, too much to comprehend, its all just too much, I need someone to help me understand this all, I just want someone to talk to, someone who truly understands, acknowledge, that its hard, that I’m trying my best, that I’m worth all the effort, that I can love myself, and be loved back, that love can be reciprocate, that love is something beautiful, that it doesn’t always tare you down, building walls, bridges, barriers, but will make you better, will be emotionally worth the pain, that just because there’s pain I shouldn’t give up, I feel better now, I’m the only one left that I can talk to, I’m trying to fix the me that I think is broken so much, but its been so long, the tools god has given me are failing at my bare hands, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve had enough, of feeling like I don’t want to live like this anymore, I’m scared of telling the doctor, because I don’t want them to think that I’m making this up, that its all in my head, that its nothing, but when your feeling this way, nothing makes any sense, so you’ll tell the doctor the truth, that this is your truth, that your not lying, that every time you feel like this nothing else matters, its as though the earth has broken in two, and your the only one left to deal with the wreckage, this is what if feels like, this is your reality, you’ll tell the doctor that you don’t want to be broken anymore, that you want to be fixed, you’ll look at them with your hands in soft fists, take a short breath and say, I’ve got no where else to go, no one left to turn to, you want to get better, so you’ll bite your lip, close you eyes and repeat, please fix me, I want to get better for myself, and open your eyes

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13/4/16
Don’t disrespect beauty

I read the most disrespectful statement about my sisters, I just wanna let you black men who forgot your place, don’t know that a black body spilled herself for you, least you forgot the skin you wearing, disrespecting what god took time to perfect, how dare you forgot your place, how dare you disrespect like you don’t know that ain’t nobody but this black skin will always have your back, acting like black man n black woman ain’t the same blessed, ain’t the same sweet menlanin we praise, they praise, don’t you forgot your roots boy, don’t forget who brought you on this earth, don’t you forgot the colour god blessed upon your disrespectful self, talking like you worthy of so much she ain’t gave you, capable of carrying all this that society has given women with melanin bright enough, brave enough, strong enough, beautiful enough for you to act like you own, like you have the right to, how dare you, don’t you know disrespect when it assaults your narrative, never forget it is this skin that you are here, so best you know, before you disrespect yourself

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

2/4/16
Selflove made personal

I can feel it all, I’m not sure when I started feeling like this, but its hard to forget nowadays, every time I’m reminded, I can feel the way my body pumps its blood, the beat, echo, rhythm of my heart, the endless cycle of emotions that leave this body, its all too complicated to understand, I’m convinced that it doesn’t belong to me, that there is something wrong with this body, I don’t know, somedays, it acts on its own, unable to make out its sound, the way it moves, how many steps, I’ve lost count of the times, the time, I feel like I’m running out of time, constantly seeking something, I would tell you but I don’t have the answer either, its so hard, I, it feels lost most of the time, days, year or two, I don’t know, do I need to be fixed, I don’t understand what’s happening exactly, I can’t seem to make anything out, all these clues they just seem pointless, I’m I pointless, I like being here, I think, existing, its hard, when I’m happy, I find myself thinking of my friends, music, my heroes, this life, I can’t sleep, is it overthinking, I’m I overthinking, everything, this whole time, I’m I broken, do I need to be fixed, can I be fixed, who can fix me, I just feel so lost, like nothing matters, whats the point, I remember Cassie, is Cassie real, does she exist in this lifetime, why do I think I’m broken so much, I just want to be happy, what’s wrong with me, I don’t know if I’m broken, I want to be fixed, can someone please fix me, I just want to be happy, again, when was I happy, I’m I happy now, I don’t understand, I can’t make sense of these feelings, these emotions, I find myself constantly talking to myself, trying to understand this body, souls, how many can exist in one body, I just want to be happy, I’m always writing down what I feel, constantly thinking about how this body will someday fall, understanding that it hurts too much, understanding that we only get one chance at life, understanding that this is it for us, on this earth, existing like this, what is my purpose, all I keep thinking about is I just want to be happy, I want to be fixed, is there something wrong with the way I think, I don’t know whats wrong with me, once they get too close, I start to feel like I can’t live without them, anyone, they all make me feel a different kind of good, almost happy, each happiness is different, I want to get better, I’m I sick somewhere, I don’t know why I keep feeling like this, its getting worse, I fight it, but it just keeps coming back, this feeling, like all my eyes want to do is cry, my body doesn’t want to make friends, I have to force it, to be happy, and my eyes, they just won’t stop, every time, I have to stop them, I’m trying to be happy, what’s wrong with me, shedding tears for nothing, being upset for nothing, over nothing, life is too short remember, we just want to be happy, isn’t that what life is mostly about, isn’t it, I’m just confused, I don’t understand why I’m like this, I just want to get better, I like music, it reminds me that even though we are sad, being happy is something to live for and we should always put selflove first before anything, anyone, we, you are more important, so we mustn’t give up on life, there’s still so much happiness left to do