Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

im i crazy to call identity love.

A self-proclaimed psychosis narration of formatted words to meditate the mind, and at ease the body when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after your blood, breathe, emotion of space that moves within the body is to exhale this frustration of uncomfort attempt to sit with its unjust child like, like adulthood manifested trauma, crazy, another word that is meant for you but is misplaced in connotations, boundaries, and this mental, discomfort, is to sit with it, to watch your own unsolved chaos a black super woman animated hero, like woman like survivor, selflove, you, what is yours, selfcare, you, a super power, irritable irrational behaviors that maneuver in and out of this body like permission to self, like it was normal, what is normal anyway, self, who do I see myself as when and without this state of mind, an actual metaphor of this is the rain, a contradiction of identity and misplaced answers that hit this heavy are to never be forgotten, identity, notice how quick you’re to save your name next to love, identity has always been love, others, there are no others, they are my precious heartbeats each pulse is remembered into my being this way, relationships remind me of flowers in the spring, and the rain, three of my favorite human languages this, its no secret now, habits, loving harder is to admit its self in and out of me these heartstrings are internal external loves, fixing our broken hearts for the sake of our identity, souls, are both in complicated super power love and care, heartbeats is compassionate black super woman a pulsed warning of heartstrings words aimed like identity, self, relationships, always this, it is no secret now, a psychosis narrated formatted words to meditate the mind and at ease the body, when bad days are uncontrollably unpredictable and after you always, always this goes back to love-, lullaby. black woman. identity. heartbeats. and maybe heartstring now too.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

its nearly spring.

I’ve always seen myself in different lives, thought about how I could really make a difference in my own way, I’ve thought about what are the chances that we all get into a state of mind that motions our existence how we like to see ourselves how we really see ourselves I think its important to not take opinions that even from our purest depths that choose to eat at this body in sorts of manifestations that are not in correlation of present but past tense and unarmed sometimes, I think balance is a solution to a lot of outcomes, when I think of the narrative surrounding identity its forever entwining with my variables, I’ve learnt that I don’t always have to be strong and who I am is not afraid but has uncanny behaviour that revolves around making kin and those close by my breath feel unbothered by breakdowns that I forget my own body in this space, it had been so long I keep almost forgetting what its like sometimes, when you have tendencies to be cold because you do not understand your own mental you’re practising what its like to be okay forgetting that you’re are an emotionally intelligent being and yes that sometimes means that your smile, your eyes will not match your words but you will still try because you care about how you make kin feel in this presence, you’re trying to break away from the mind and be present, what a contradiction, a life you’re living that is both complicated and compassionate in the same body-, a breakdown. for who. the rain.

Entry #11: Mental Health. Just how I’m feeling today. A build-up of a few things, and unknowns.

So here are a few things that have been bothering me that I can think of at the moment. Some of them I have “justification” and some are simply unanswered.

  1. spending my own money
  2. human connection (touch, emotional support but not comforting)
  3. the need to be away from home listening to the rain
  4. having a very busy mind, its kinda full of things I’ve done wrong, what I need to do to fix them, the solutions not being enough as well as unknowns
  5. very tired, physically, mentally and emotionally
  6. feeling pressure to find some sort of stability and not caring too much if I rely on unhealthy hurred relationships that are coming from insecurities
  7. starting to slowly ignore a lot of the people I care about, and this is something that happens often to me when I am in this unhealthy mindset
  8. not being able to communicate to anyone, even via text, or email
  9. either not eating or eating really poorly
  10. feeling like I don’t deserve, or I’m not good enough, or I’m not worth…there’s no statement that has stuck describing what they mean just those first few lines are all I can manage
  11. worrying about what I’m going to be doing in the future. Because all three of my siblings are the only ones in school while I’m still doing what I can and finding work where I am able to earn an income doing what I like
  12. going from feeling really confident to pretending I am really confident, then once I am by myself I just feel exhausted
  13. still not drinking any water unless I am at work, because that’s the only thing I can drink
  14. headaches

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

8.10.18 | Fall.

Sky in, a type of kin that will make even you beg for more, whispers of favourites turn the flame on, I let the words curve into my mouth this way, what I’m trying to say is still unfinished and coded, it sounds a lot like unspoken verbs, pronoun of this is the heart, the adjective is the way the mind is feeling but too scared of its truth only, we have never done things this way before, our words are backwards and on purpose, how do we make sense of all this heat, what happens when both passion and tension sweeten the tongue, how do we tame ourselves out of these flames, so carefully careless we could set everything on fire the way we like this feeling to be this talented, watch the way it has taken over a body that shares the words care and love with self, when she lets you in be carefully honest with everything, she is both blind and bright in the same notion.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Something like a few hours, and I’m so carelessly lost in a warmly lit room, I’ve set the air free to desire, I can’t resist falling into my own body, I close my eyes, lay on the bed, my arms across the sheets, I listen to the soft song I’ve put on reply, touch my skin, smile, I’m thinking about how warm and addictive this feeling is, want it to stay, I open my eyes softly brake into a familiar tune along with the replay button, then I, turn my rhythm to the wide full-length mirror gazed at me, I looked up at her naked, paused, when was the last time I saw this kind of happiness, I try not to guess too hard, can’t help stare in awe of its expressions, my mind has already lovingly grabbed at my sides pulling me closer, I smile a little, tease all angles and continue to love my body like this.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

19.9.18 | my lover letter

love me harder, I mimic those close to my heartbeat so I can speak their love language too, I invite their souls into my heart tell them, thier hearts are safe here and their mind is free to wonder in my presence I will make them feel light too, I smile so hard at the things that make me the most unhappy because this is a beauty mark I have learnt as a child too, I walk on moondust because I do not feel safe here, my mind is a safe space even though it never lets me rest its thoughts we are constantly in melody of each other about how to love and care for this body the best way we know how, my heart is like spring, if you pay attention to me I am yours until you stop trying, my body has leanrt to hold back and not allow for unworthy heartbeats to form thier presence even when the heart has already mistaken kindness for a pulse, we are not afraid to love but we’re afraid to break into two even halfs, people say we are strong this way too because we have taught the heart what it means to be both fragile and agile in the same beat, this is the best thing we do, when I am not in love, I think about its meaning and rearrange its concerlatons with differnt outcomes and reasons for its ache we’re never safe from its warmth, I tell souls close to me to always choose love but be warry if its teachings, I am not an expert on love just a girl with purple hair who writes crazy love stories to her own warmth; I wonder who will be next.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

A home, been paying attention to the way you respond to my lessons, there is no type that have made it this far, I tell my kin to be careful with the way they swallow my words even I am learning, we talk about love and she tells me this is the first time, I know how she must be feeling, when you come this close you become a puddle of clichés, a mirrored glass of what you want to see even if it must mean the half untruths, love does this, she is high off his scent and I can see his spells lovesick out her mouth this way, talks about how unreal this must be, and I watch her happy like it were the night sky filled with moonlight, she asks me what to do with her heart and I tell her to be strong, love is a beautiful ache and if you choose to love, you must also be ready for its infinite charm, and she asks me, what happens, when heartbeat loves two people distance is a battle, and love is bitter sweet war, I fear for her heart, she asks again, what does it mean for love then, I look at her, she sinks into the car seat, the sky chimes rain down on the car as she turns the heater back on, I sink into my seat watching the rain, and I say nothing.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

I am so good at convincing my body about others, when my heart isn’t so invested my mind is this picture map of unsolved people and how it is they will benefit my breath, I find my mind working in myths, myths that are classified unready for this world open to new problems and continually stuttering at love, I don’t have strict titles of heartstrings how they choice and love things like it were their breath too, I am madly in love with love, which is why I feel so bound to the word, why I speak so strongly in and out of its presence you cannot implode on my circumference around its complexities and tell me anything about its wrongs, love has an ambiguous ambiance circling its truth which is why its so simply silly easy to get lost in its clasp, become beastly in its eyes when they flaw, never not this love too, I care in doses of extreme spells when it comes to heartbeats I am an unhealthy addict even if it means my own breath too.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

16.8.18 | more than..

Heart-beat, an alternitive universe you go into your body, ask the heart connected fix me ways to find out why you keep going back to his type of love, know very well how he has learnt and unlearnt to memorize you, how he told you he wants to learn what goes on in your mind first, that he wants to know your attention before he gets too close to your body, you can see he is confused about what you show him and he is trying to hide it, you, are trying to hide, that you could fall this hard and not want to get back up, he told me we belong together and I wanted to ask him what he means by that, wanted to kiss the words out of him over and over and over again, he is so soft and so much fire I melt into his words like this, when I close my eyes, he is all I see, makes me light up just for him, I want to tell him I want to be his and his alone twice, he knows now, I imagine telling him this home is his too now, even when he walks away he is still misplaced into my whole heart, he knows how intense I can be while he watches me call on his name, he never misses my calls, makes sure he calls back if not all the time, doesn’t know I can see through him, that when you have observed lover this way there is no easily going back for you, he talks about future as though it were right there and you beam his words, think he has never looked this suductive, you’re also learning about his type of venerable, you also thinking this is the most sultry way about his presence, leave the way he makes you feel like there is no one is this world that could compare, waiting for his dial is like clock work, the perfect amount of space and fire, you could also call this love but, he says I am stubborn, so my pride is now at its highest submission.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

4.8.18 | loading…

There’s nothing more terrifying than yourself, when you reach a space in the mind where your body becomes this conscious unconscious being you’re left in limbo, its been nearly 2 weeks since I have started feeling this disconnected and in search of human touch and allowed for words like resistance, temptation and respect outside of myself, I’m constantly looking for answers in this person and I’m really starting to question whether they can be found only within me, I’m not doubting myself, I’m just trying to understand how it is I can heal through other faucets when these words keep attacking my healing shields, what do you do when you start to fall into obvious low’s when you’re feeling depressed it almost feels like almost nothingness, how do you change the taps to things like temptation and a quick fix I am at a point in my mental where I am realizing that I am not a person of strict routine when it comes to self-care, I mean I’m starting to think that maybe I should try and go back to routine, try to see how it works instead of blindly following help from things that I can not touch, my only problem with routine is that after a while, routine slowly begins to have the opposite effect-, I am still loading…