Heart-beat, an alternitive universe you go into your body, ask the heart connected fix me ways to find out why you keep going back to his type of love, know very well how he has learnt and unlearnt to memorize you, how he told you he wants to learn what goes on in your mind first, that he wants to know your attention before he gets too close to your body, you can see he is confused about what you show him and he is trying to hide it, you, are trying to hide, that you could fall this hard and not want to get back up, he told me we belong together and I wanted to ask him what he means by that, wanted to kiss the words out of him over and over and over again, he is so soft and so much fire I melt into his words like this, when I close my eyes, he is all I see, makes me light up just for him, I want to tell him I want to be his and his alone twice, he knows now, I imagine telling him this home is his too now, even when he walks away he is still misplaced into my whole heart, he knows how intense I can be while he watches me call on his name, he never misses my calls, makes sure he calls back if not all the time, doesn’t know I can see through him, that when you have observed lover this way there is no easily going back for you, he talks about future as though it were right there and you beam his words, think he has never looked this suductive, you’re also learning about his type of venerable, you also thinking this is the most sultry way about his presence, leave the way he makes you feel like there is no one is this world that could compare, waiting for his dial is like clock work, the perfect amount of space and fire, you could also call this love but, he says I am stubborn, so my pride is now at its highest submission.
There’s nothing more terrifying than yourself, when you reach a space in the mind where your body becomes this conscious unconscious being you’re left in limbo, its been nearly 2 weeks since I have started feeling this disconnected and in search of human touch and allowed for words like resistance, temptation and respect outside of myself, I’m constantly looking for answers in this person and I’m really starting to question whether they can be found only within me, I’m not doubting myself, I’m just trying to understand how it is I can heal through other faucets when these words keep attacking my healing shields, what do you do when you start to fall into obvious low’s when you’re feeling depressed it almost feels like almost nothingness, how do you change the taps to things like temptation and a quick fix I am at a point in my mental where I am realizing that I am not a person of strict routine when it comes to self-care, I mean I’m starting to think that maybe I should try and go back to routine, try to see how it works instead of blindly following help from things that I can not touch, my only problem with routine is that after a while, routine slowly begins to have the opposite effect-, I am still loading…
I have been capitalizing my spare time with chaos and conversation around a type of self that is coming to terms with a truth, ultimately, when you make mistakes in the blood of others you have to be ready for the imploding downfall of its reparations, there is choice with every intention and sometimes we are so quick to choose temptation over what is the right thing to do, when you cross over truth you cannot call on your name whisper sweet words coated in honey even you are capable of sweet talking yourself into clout, you say you favor honesty, be critical about the way you over share yourself this body is both self-destructive and hope encased in flowers in the same algorithm, you, are not safe from your words remember, choice is a repercussion of its representation, be both gentle and careful when you bark at not only yourself but others, do not sweeten your mistake call it for what it is, this, this is how you heal and sugar cane honesty for its true class, be brave enough to allow uncomfortable into honesty’s pride when you misplace your choices into its ego, deem there will always be consequences for its bark, do not make light of its claim, or be ready for its noise.
So it hasn’t been that long since I had my last check in here. I must admit I still haven’t been to my psych, and I messed up a little. Because I got so caught up in my head about whether I should really go, and what would remedy really ask me, and how basic would the questions and answers be on both ends. I don’t know if I told you, but I’ve hit a slump with therapy and its been really difficult and exhausting deciding whether to go for at least even one session or nah. So now that I’ve hit a breakdown with my mental health coming onto the first few days I think, (to be honest I can’t even remember its usually is a build up of past present and no explanation) I am really struggling to do anything. Also I am getting super irritated at anyone that tries to talk to me.
On a good note and less memory loss side of things, I am really starting to learn more and more about what it truly means to have self-respect for yourself, and no I don’t mean the basics. I mean the self-respect that comes along with selflessness and selfishness. I’ve really been putting a few people under microscopes obviously not to harm, or set them up for failure although in a way of seeing how or which path even people we deeply care about seeing what paths they take whether it be selflessness or selfishness, regardless of how small or big the situation is because reality is that differs from person to person. I’m slowly learning that often people are not sure and myself included how to talk or highlight their feelings, and I think this is where the situation feeds and grows room for assumptions. Anyway all in all, as a 23-year old hsp, INFJ-P female with major depression, I am learning that it is okay to be selfish and to communicate this. For this record still not there, still very much learning and realising that when someone hurts my feelings deeply from someone I care about so much that I should try and communicate it rather than try to brush it off, door slam them, or spare their feelings in the sacrifice of my own.
When it comes to self-respect, we need to allow room for communication in a compassionate and honest way. This way, both people involved feel respected in a variety of different instances, don’t take these two things for granted. Communication done with compassion and honesty is a beautiful way to go about problem solving with loved one’s, and others.
Side note: I’m really struggling to speak to my mum when I’m feeling depressed. Need to figure that one out, so I can start healing there too.
Authenticity is a lost feeling that is desperately trying to be seen by ourselves, pause-, inside this living, borderline in a person that does not listen to backwards words of themselves and understands that they do not have to fit in, there is power in living a truth that makes sheep around you uncomfortable, don’t slander your truth for attention, when you brake a body in order of temptations you have lost to both bodies, you cannot be tested and watch such things and call them fate, entrenched bodies to temptation are a set up for malice, these persons who confuse their black cat see a different 80 20 percent in you while shackled people can get lost in freedom and refuse to check for accountability, when you wish yourself to vanish into tattle tale you can’t leave your morals behind they will catch up to you somewhere in dark corners next to that lie you refused to tell, and between inevitability, authenticity can do that, it can clout your favor and snatch it right under your skin, there is where you will lose control and play catch up with the mind, admitting you never checked, freedom is a bias when it disregards the obvious danger of involvements when it involves others, you’re not safe, you think you’re safe but you’re not safe, you’re still in hiding, the worst kind of person that lies in order for self-benefit knowing its moral compass is unknown danger to themselves first, isn’t it a little ironic, all you had to do was be honest with yourself first, instead of hurting heartbeat-, wait on it.
My mental headspace the past few weeks and counting + check in
I feel really weird, this isn’t new to me, and reading my blog, you probably already knew this about me. I feel like I’m happy, but not really. This whole infection situation has really gotten to me but I think its passing. I have to still go get my results but inshallah it goes away. This past couple of weeks I’ve really been thinking about my faith and my relationship with Allah swt and I feel really indebted to god more than I ever have in my entire 23 years of my life. I’ve never really thought about what religion meant to me honestly until this past couple of weeks and to be really honest with you as human beings I feel like whenever we are put in a really bad situation that strikes our whole being and shocks us that’s when we really want to start digging deep and finding out who we are, whether that means spending time alone, reading, talking to our parents, specialists or looking for answers in our core values and beliefs this is somewhere to start for us and when we do its this really interesting and scary but also somewhat fulfilling journey, we hopefully want to slowly find answers to parts of ourselves, anything that is core to our honest truth that will help us identify us even a little. I have always been on this journey and with my mental health I’ve always struggled to see myself past being my illness and this has really broken my faith in a lot of things that I have tried to keep in control for myself. You know in this world people always like to tell others the best way to live each other’s lives and not pay attention to their own, there’s nothing wrong with giving advice but its when you neglect yourself first is when you will start to hurt the most. I find that most of the time I give advice to others it’s coming from a really personal and loving place which also for me means that I am also giving myself advice but I do not realize it almost ever. I’ve always loved giving advice and helping out others when and where I can the most, there is no better feeling for me personally seeing someone genuinely smile and be happy after having real intimate conversations about anything they are experiencing. For me this is what makes me happy, but because I am someone who is also clinically diagnosed with major depression and anxiety its also harder to notice these things for myself and even harder for anyone around me to notice too, because I have become so good at showing people I am okay, even when I know I’m not but in my mind how can anyone try and fix me if I can’t even fix myself, how can they know me better than I know myself I pride myself on the time I spend alone getting to know all my demons and I don’t tell a single soul about its full wrath because I find it hard to fully explain what I have suppressed unknowingly growing up, so how can you sit there and tell me you can help me when I’ve tried as hard as I can to let you in even a little and it wasn’t helping. I’m not scared of death I’m scared of myself, when I’m feeling excruciatingly low I just want so bad to know what it feels like to try dying at least once but once I put anything to my skin I can’t dig deep enough because half of me still wants to live and the other half is too scared to live. I’m thinking of going back to therapy.
I feel so much better sharing this, its just been really hard for me not knowing how to deal with mental health even up until now. Trying medication I thought I could have more peace of mind and wellbeing however that was not the case for me in my experience (DO NOT TAKE MY EXPERIENCE AS YOUR OWN ABOUT MEDICATION EVERYONE’S BODY IS VERY DIFFERENT) it did more damage internally. I have always struggled with myself and control, so for me, I know what helps me the most despite it being extremely hard to do is taking control of the things I can in my life regardless of how little, to help me see this goal I am going to list them below.
Stay as close to your Imaan as possible
Drink at least a cup of water per day
Do not sway too far appointments from seeing remedy
Write whenever you feel like doing so
Do NOT be so harsh on yourself you’re healing from so many years of untouched and unknown hurt
Weightlessness, so much of ourselves in all the same places, put different understandings of our metaphors in the name of what is riotous and core to our beings, I’ve heard people say they don’t feel alive anymore the same hopes and dreams are not the same thrive as they were a kid, I tell them, be mindful of your body, it is capable of bringing anything to life, people talk about dreams like they are this weak thing don’t know they are the hidden meanings behind all these strong words, just because we speak in flowers don’t mean our child-like memories do not make them any less real, they are real too, anyone who tells you otherwise has not lived and is openly lying to themselves first, chose to close off this world and people alike forget they have also known this feeling all too familiar scared they will never forget its meaning, when you cross paths to find yourself stuck between what is real and what you’re capable of imagining don’t let other people’s resistance be a reflection of yourself remind you how far you have come to this air, this breath been fighting its own battle long before it knew its name, come clean with yourself and challenge worlds apart, heal them with your words reminding them you’re a reflection of who you are and not who you were, dreams are nowhere as fake as everyone likes to delude, they are the foundation reality of our goals, remember this when they try to silence your type of living.
I’ve been existing and accumulating enough of myself to attempt to understand my two worlds, been at a loss with both sensations both double meanings and its past present form, now its bringing new frame on my clout to its own estranged fantasies, identity has always been a layering conundrum, finding it unfathomable to attach me at such a replaceable pace of words to the parallel of an evolving being, I don’t believe in strict definitions of ourselves when we live in a time warp of unexplored galaxies planets lost spaces enough apart with dream like futuristics you’re capable of being crazy and sane at the same time just the same mind games of what is in fact “normal” and strange to the naked body almost alike, I conclude skies because I believe we’re greater than what already exists, that’s why when I bleed self care and love it is also a sign for the bodies that feel the same ache who struggle to be understood in a world covered with so much mouth and not enough eyes, who fearlessly care for others and forgot about their own breath in the same capacity, empathy can easily turn you into apathy be careful of its schooling, you’re to swear into this body the way it has learnt to adapt in a planet that dose not care about its own healing, lose yourself in minds that explore boundaries from existential bearings these intentions are lacking in both worlds, although the feeling is combined by stranger meanings its masses already stronger and monetized in my dreams before it learns to come to life first, the world is not ready for such love, still suffocating on experiments that are laughable in the presence of those who reap this kind of reward, pause, you’re permission enough-, alive dream.
baby laughs at herself in a good way, the best days are when I don’t miss mirrors, this reflection is its own kind of temptation, days like this, I think about how anyone puts up with my treasured pride, when I’m feeling this kind of love its contagious I might just tell you my secret and cast spells with my smile, its walking past strangers watching them, they too can’t help but look at all of you like you’re out of this world and you want to tell them you are, I still do the same silly things that make hearts melt, write stories in my mind bringing them to life, this type of revolution is mine and dreamers alike, we tell lovers what we want, we have spent dangerous amounts of time in our own bones we give flowers all its bloom, and spark blue flames-, try not to get burned.
13.6.18 |14.6.18| “..i love you too..” playing with heartbeats. warning.
Stop it, you’re looking for love in all the wrong feelings, when the world has tested your patience enough take it as a lesson, do not dwell on its proof rather whip lash it compassion that you have been searching for love in all the wrong places, let your body correct you enough so you can see that these beloveds are not for the faint hearted, allow yourself time you have bruised your heart before and guessed the mind games its enough now, listen to what your body is saying, softly place your right hand on your heart be curious about its teachings this being has shown you a lot of its masks to the wrong kinds of hearts, you know exactly the kind of passion, the ones that like to ghost into mysterious and miss a good thing only to come back wishing at the hearts attempt, you’re not attentive to this body, the other day and time again you have watched heartbeats say they love hearts as you have teased its truth, this snake bite is not for the faint, you listened as they tore at the worth of I love you too attendant their hands are the habit at your hips, this is not new for them, you look at him and wonder what he thinks of as nice, want to score him with its consequences, want to yell at his shameful hands when you privilege love pretended to know its true definition is to beat it into and out your mouth, love is not flowers, its more than hope, you’re not to hope in flowers, nice for what, you point blades at their throat reminding them again to have been warned into this heart, you know exactly what it means to love, wishing you could grab nice by the heart look yourself in their eyes a fire burning through your body and into theirs smile at its reflection and say, I know what love looks like, because I know where it begins first-, do not tarnish and leave hearts broken in trails of your insecurities just because you do not understand its complexities peoples hearts are not for you to need to want and discard like empty shells this is a warning to you, next time, I won’t be so gentle, watch your breath suffocate around my existence-, you have been warned.