Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

4.12.17 | royal temptation (this whole poem is a tease.)

I always find it overwhelmingly intriguing, when the heart gets tugged at this way, you feel it in such a raw and familiar calibre that its almost possessive, how quick the heart chooses a kind of trouble, knowing so well how forbidden it will taste, honeyed, these invisible chains are dangerous to a heart that knows no boundaries when it comes to who it’ll sweeten only for them to touch, glance at and tease, they don’t know this kind of willingness is so much painful and pleasure, so dangerously tempting, its really unfair to make the heart and mind turn want into need this much, watching the way heartbeat speaks only to fantasies about what heat can be done about thier throne to this body, how they can come and drink all of this hydration, to nourish them in ways that can only be teased by the sweetest parts of the mind until they are well fed, which means by me, until we are both full, and watch, how they comand this body, need a heartbeat that can dominate both, both honesty and this, a throne of all this woman and all that royalty, come closer, you can’t possibly be comfortable looking like that, let me help you become a little more familiar with the way I mean

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.11.17
Breath into you
if I had to explain to you how this body works I wouldn’t know where to being, you would have to be spesific, because I have this uncanny of ambiguous proportions that are so grounded and what you want to hear which is the truth you will become so lost and I won’t try to save you, I’ll tell you how beautiful it is to see love and honesty colid and I’ll tell you how you should never believe in other peoples worth words of yourself, I’ll explain to you that you’re the abys of the moon and the mystry of the night sky and this is all magic with just the way you smile, I’ll also allow you to be your truest self in both comfort and rest the inbtween compatibility you have been longing for with just the right amount of I trust you, I’ll repeat cloud 9’s like do what makes you happy, I am here for you, you will awalys matter to me, do not listen to the world it is just background noise, I’ll also listen to the way you speak and motion be honest with you and promise you that your feelings are the exact match of my heart I can almost touch your emotions this is how much and what is beatiful and I care, alot, I’ll remind you that you get an untouched day every day and wait for your resonpse in your eyes, there are some who will expect you to give and I will be there to catch you when they do not give back, if I had to explain how this body works I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.11.17
mezmerize, warm breeze, being swayed by a soft wind in cool kisses this is how imagine it must feel to be content, listen to hip hop lofi beats, anime manga antics, and a misfit for the mind, how you ponder of selfcare and how to fit others into this routine of care you’re a being with a passionate heart, the feeling of your own is so pleasent you almost forget why it is you wanted to leave this world in the first place, there’s something so sweet about solitude they will never understand, if you close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the world I swear you can almost hear your heartbeat too, I dare you.   _spring otaku love and care antics

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.11.17
He told me listen, can you see the way you have been told to be, use the heart to say what you feel there are those that will try to silence your truth but do not be swayed by misconseptions of your self in their words, their words have no truth in this body, you’re the only miracle magic that can say how this body in everything they do not have a right to this bodies motion, feeling, nothing but their opinions in the form of their own facts but they don’t understand that just because you’re not willing to tell them about this body doesn’t mean they know everything about this being, they forget that you’re the breath to your own, nothing but what I want you see is what you will say you see in me, I am not a ‘qurk’ I am what I want you to see and maybe less maybe more.   _Iam the breath to my own, don’t put people in boxes of your own opinions and call them facts

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

2.11.17
Intensity, Hana (flower), (shy of love..)

Words that stimulate each other, she said, the fear of feeling, is a feeling, no the fear of feeling is feeling too much, intensity mba diagnosis, how to process love telling you he is hope too, when you look into their eyes and see worth you’ll drown yourself into their eyes, how this feeling likes to take over a kind of body, wanting to be their kind of hope too, how do you tell love that you want to be as strong as them, that you’re wanting to be their hope, how do you tell love this and much more when you witness your feelings overflow and you confess to love saying how you love them and they don’t even know that you don’t see the point of life without them, that this body wants to be their kind of strong, how do you try to silence an intensity because of words such as flowers, words like I love you, how do you tell love you want all of them and they are the perfect timing and this intensity for them is everlasting, how do you shy away from an intensity, how do you tell love that you’re not shy of your love for their kind of being, how you could cry enough for them to keep them alive, how they are your oasis, that you believe in their kind of love, that they don’t have to be and you’ll love them harder, how do you tell love they are the perspective of honest love, how do you explain to love that they are more than the words you fumble spill your heart into, that you’re giving them your heart, how do you learn to not fear a feeling, words that stimulate love, the fear is feeling too much, telling love they are hope when you look into their eyes, how this feeling takes over, wanting to be their kind of hope too, how do you tell love I love you too much.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.10.17
don’t touch me, I don’t like to be touched in the same light that knows no truth about this kind of self, how I fear the things that come this close only to watch them crumble and lie in my eyes is the kind of perfection that knows what malaise looks like, has seen its tears and shed blood for its entrance, speak louder I can’t hear you when you’re this much mute this much hurt, isn’t it funny how I can’t keep opportunity for no longer than a couple of mouths, its all I need to show how much praise attention and compliments, there’s only so much this body can do until it notices its own cracks, see the way it hides self from them, see the way she smiles, she has taken you all for a fool, can you see her, can you see the way she cries about her health like she has control, like her body weak, like what is normal, like she is not normal, look at how she cries for nothing, silly, the way she can’t do life without others, without herself, the way she can’t do life, do you see, she’ll cry for your help behind your back only to tell you she’s okay and she’s done this before, how she holds everything in because her plight is still not understood for herself so why tell those close to her heartbeat, why say anything to anyone when she wants to scream pleas like don’t touch me, I don’t like to be touched in the same light that knows no about this kind of self-, but you never told anyone about this truth so what else were you really expecting.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.10.17
Sometimes I imagine being an empty shell, not being able to feel, speak or move, I imagine what its like to be something much less painful, something needed like the rain, I wish I was the rain so that when I feel like it I can cry and they’ll still (need me) call me beautiful and needed

Entry #7: Being present, and symptoms

These types of entries are on a more personal level, relevant to myself, going through my own mental health journey and what I think it means being present when I’m not feeling okay, as well as what some of my symptoms may look like.

So today is officially the third day maybe that my mental health is really starting to surface. I’ve just recently started a new job and I’m so happy with it but my mental health has really started to weigh me down in terms of performance, ability, and probably the most dramatic thing that happens when I start to feel my anxiety peak is that I want to call in with the most heinous no loophole reason as to why I can’t come into work today.

I’ve been in my head for a while now though, and today is really the only day where I can’t take it anymore because I can slowly start to feel my body get used to the feeling and fall back into that kind of mental trap. I changed my environment, but to be honest I’m still not feeling okay, starting to get pretty worried that I may not cope. Also, I’m seeing my psychologist on the 31st because that was the closest available date.

My symptoms that stand out to me the most are I don’t want to see anyone just want my own company to try and figure out solutions, being stuck in my head while losing track of time spans, feeling sick usually my stomach or my head, when it gets really bad I just want to sleep, lose my appetite or I eat a lot, I get random panic attacks and my body shakes or twitches.

Being present is  a hard one, I feel like I’m still not able to do this; Because personally for myself, when I start to feel my mental health suffering or my body feeling or acting out of my norm I want to do what I can to help myself and for the longest time it’s just been to change my environment and write whatever comes to mind.

As of right now, I’m still very much stuck in my head, I’ve changed my environment, and I’m writing an entry of what is coming to my mind and snacking. I haven’t been eating too well since I started feeling really off.

I’m having a pretty rough day to be honest, I feel really frustrated, distant and numb.

On the bright side I’m wearing bright clothes to compensate, and eating my favorite snacks also I’ll probably get food while I’m here too.

Gratitude Diary Entry #ine

“Watch this space, watch her mind make chaos and her hero it back to a kind of superpower, she is the resilient nourishing flower, the sign of hope, the feeling of hope, she is her own hero to this kind of a body that knows very well how to personalize a type of noose, she is the begging saviour a rescue to her own survive, this strong, a type of moonlight, the twin hype to starlight dust, she is learning by herself so well, who else can say they have done this, who else can say they are surviving the smartest organ in their body, who else is this much self-care, tell me who..”

I get a lot of questions about why I go to the city by myself and what I do there, the simplest answer is because sometimes my body likes to be alone.

I’ve been doing this for a while now, and for me personally, its become a little therapeutic in a way. I mean its a way for my body to maybe find calm in its chaos, both inside and outside of the mind. Sometimes I come to the city sit in the library and binge watch anime with snacks like I was at home in my own room except I’m not in my own space. For the longest time now I’ve always found it so fascinating, and also challenging to be comfortable in my own skin, my own body and mental, basically to be my truest self, and every day I am still learning.

I find people intriguing so I go somewhere where there will be new people most every day, somewhere that is not always so familiar because familiar gives me anxiety too. I’m trying to teach my body a type of comfort and calm when I sense a breakdown, and for the first couple of months, I was really struggling to be around myself and come to terms with what was going on, and why I was breaking down. Even though I was not always sure most of the time, the times where I was sure made me feel capable and in control of my own body and mental, even if it meant it was a little or not enough. I started to reward myself for the little victories I made towards my own self-care, and this is how I’ve survived to where I am now.

Being grateful is a beautiful thing. But being grateful for your own care, love, happiness, body, mind, emotions, energy, wins, rewards, failures, existence, survival, space, mental health, your own sense of hope and beliefs is something to truly celebrate the most.

You’re as powerful, loving, resilient, kind and nourishing as your own practiced self-care. And trust me, they will notice it once you start to believe and practice it. You’re worth all the effort ALWAYS.

Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for my self-care.