Entry #8: Mental Health Update. (Overdue) – CHECK IN.

10.1.18

I went for a check up on Monday to pick up a new mental health plan, and my doc asked me to do the same list of questions I do whenever I go and see him.

On that day I had a whole other heap of things going on with my body and being in that same room that I got my first diagnosis reminds me of how heavy it felt to breathe, and emphasized how much I hated going to the doctors. Anyway, I filled out the form with all the familiar questions and answers and I want to say that the results were not that bad but as I looked at my answers in a whole and I was in a little bit in shock. Because, you know it was one of those moments where you don’t know something is that bad until you  stop and step back to look at it in its entirety and realise

“wow, we still have a long way to go” 

that’s almost how I felt.

After I handed him back the paper I was feeling pretty shaky, couldn’t stay still and the doc looked at me and asked me if I feel like I’ve been feeling any progress with therapy and I tell him yes I have, then he asks me about self-harm and suicide and I’m just so shocked at how confronting those words were to hear them from another person’s mouth, becuse keep in mind I litrally do not see him unless I have to get another mental health plan and also as someone who lives in a world where we are still not able to mention these kinds of words and talk about mental health in a whollistic reality I couldn’t help but feel so taken back. I couldn’t bring myself to be so direct and so I told him just thoughts.

When I looked up he was typing on his computer and I was trying to figure out what his filling out, then he looks over to me and says okay so you’ve been doing therapy for a while now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, I think its time we also give you some medication and do a detailed mental diagnosis.

I’m being very comical about it now but YOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS SHOOK!! I never in my life thought I would have to take a prescription. I was so content with therapy, meditation and other things even though they were fading away so fast from my routine I still wanted to think that one day I’ll get back to it again.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH. I was so shocked and nervous when he said that though he had to repeat what he said and I just remember being in my head like wow, okay so I’m not getting any better and what I have to do this, should I do this…is this something that I should now consider. I just told him “yea, okay.”

I had my psych appointment that day so I told her about it and expressed all my concerns and she said that its an option, and suggested that I go for the appointment and send her the name of the prescription and we can have a look at it together. So I think that’s what I’m thinking of doing, I don’t have to take it right away she said so I feel a little reassured by this, however, I’m still very scared and nervous about a lot of things at this point.

I just wanted to fill myself in on whats been going on because I have no else to tell but myself, soooo….this is what I’m going through right now and I’ll check in another time.

F.H

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

10.1.18

We are all dangerous lost souls searching for love in a world where we are not always seen as daring fables and shooting stars, but rather alchemists that confined in the ways of a world that is shattering at our futures predicament, can feel how we have been aliened to be to shake off this kind of abnormal can you see how they have told us to be, shape shift and see the world for what it really is, can we be the intangibles that come and rescue ourselves from a place that is not yet a reality in this life time, can we only create a reality in this life time, which is to see the future, to know what your body has been begging of you, so touch your own heart and not always another, to come close to your body and witness the way it survives and thrives off the rain the rays how we are so well known for the comfort we give to ourselves, that we are this type of selfish for ourselves, bliss, fable, dreamer, beauty that can never be seen by your average, the secret is the kind of flame that lives inside of our minds, that is the kind of love we should also be searching for, the one that also lets the heart breathe, touch your skin, feel your body believe from the inside, you have always been a norm to what is not normal, now breathe, you’re a welcomed breath here.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.12.17 18.12.17
Depression and anxiety. two mindful contradictions

I said, I must just have a really nervous body, the kind of heart racing sensation that doesn’t know how to pace unsteady, watch the simple things around an existence that has learnt to watch how others self but not mine, I have been this type of lost to my own care it has been so long since I have felt anything unfamiliar to anxiety that can shake this body to not want anything unfamiliar, he said to me, none of us are made this way, you have to learn self and detach from familiar, he spoke so softly to me and I couldn’t even look at him, I thought about how predictable we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain, how ominous to feel contradictions like they were happy pills for a way of survival, that we mellow out this pain but finding release in ritual that is driven by emotion and pleasure, how fear is not only an insecurity but also a super power, that we are always so close and hero, how we choose to see the sky depending on our set mood, vivid vibrations to the mutual intensity we can’t help but feel alive when we bask in glorious deeds, that kind of sensitivity that takes over bodies enough to fuel a curious mind, a captivated feeling a body that can smell where he has been even when he chooses to speak in white lies, but never myself, never this breath, Im not even sad about it anymore its to be expected because when you have spent gazes memorizing the air they breathe and their smell how could you forget, I won’t hope for more, I tell them don’t make light of me, I have breathed of you enough when you choose to be this kind of memory, want a love that can be sparked by the scent of flowers and rays, and watch anxiety and of that boy mist into the air, when you’re this way you start to find ways to let the ocean become kin, so soft and fragile you’re, this is the only familiar you’re scared of letting go, you don’t like the way this illness makes you this unbearable thing that you can brake and spit fire at love only to wish you could swallow your own words how irritating, you’re able to be this honest but forget to soften your tone, to only yell at the mind in code and feel the mind speak back saying you can try explaining it to them but it will only look like an excuse you can not come back from this, so when this oasis hits you’re your own company, and a black hole vacancy that is lost and found inside of its own fable.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

4.12.17 | royal temptation (this whole poem is a tease.)

I always find it overwhelmingly intriguing, when the heart gets tugged at this way, you feel it in such a raw and familiar calibre that its almost possessive, how quick the heart chooses a kind of trouble, knowing so well how forbidden it will taste, honeyed, these invisible chains are dangerous to a heart that knows no boundaries when it comes to who it’ll sweeten only for them to touch, glance at and tease, they don’t know this kind of willingness is so much painful and pleasure, so dangerously tempting, its really unfair to make the heart and mind turn want into need this much, watching the way heartbeat speaks only to fantasies about what heat can be done about thier throne to this body, how they can come and drink all of this hydration, to nourish them in ways that can only be teased by the sweetest parts of the mind until they are well fed, which means by me, until we are both full, and watch, how they comand this body, need a heartbeat that can dominate both, both honesty and this, a throne of all this woman and all that royalty, come closer, you can’t possibly be comfortable looking like that, let me help you become a little more familiar with the way I mean

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.11.17
Breath into you
if I had to explain to you how this body works I wouldn’t know where to being, you would have to be spesific, because I have this uncanny of ambiguous proportions that are so grounded and what you want to hear which is the truth you will become so lost and I won’t try to save you, I’ll tell you how beautiful it is to see love and honesty colid and I’ll tell you how you should never believe in other peoples worth words of yourself, I’ll explain to you that you’re the abys of the moon and the mystry of the night sky and this is all magic with just the way you smile, I’ll also allow you to be your truest self in both comfort and rest the inbtween compatibility you have been longing for with just the right amount of I trust you, I’ll repeat cloud 9’s like do what makes you happy, I am here for you, you will awalys matter to me, do not listen to the world it is just background noise, I’ll also listen to the way you speak and motion be honest with you and promise you that your feelings are the exact match of my heart I can almost touch your emotions this is how much and what is beatiful and I care, alot, I’ll remind you that you get an untouched day every day and wait for your resonpse in your eyes, there are some who will expect you to give and I will be there to catch you when they do not give back, if I had to explain how this body works I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.11.17
mezmerize, warm breeze, being swayed by a soft wind in cool kisses this is how imagine it must feel to be content, listen to hip hop lofi beats, anime manga antics, and a misfit for the mind, how you ponder of selfcare and how to fit others into this routine of care you’re a being with a passionate heart, the feeling of your own is so pleasent you almost forget why it is you wanted to leave this world in the first place, there’s something so sweet about solitude they will never understand, if you close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the world I swear you can almost hear your heartbeat too, I dare you.   _spring otaku love and care antics

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.11.17
He told me listen, can you see the way you have been told to be, use the heart to say what you feel there are those that will try to silence your truth but do not be swayed by misconseptions of your self in their words, their words have no truth in this body, you’re the only miracle magic that can say how this body in everything they do not have a right to this bodies motion, feeling, nothing but their opinions in the form of their own facts but they don’t understand that just because you’re not willing to tell them about this body doesn’t mean they know everything about this being, they forget that you’re the breath to your own, nothing but what I want you see is what you will say you see in me, I am not a ‘qurk’ I am what I want you to see and maybe less maybe more.   _Iam the breath to my own, don’t put people in boxes of your own opinions and call them facts

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

2.11.17
Intensity, Hana (flower), (shy of love..)

Words that stimulate each other, she said, the fear of feeling, is a feeling, no the fear of feeling is feeling too much, intensity mba diagnosis, how to process love telling you he is hope too, when you look into their eyes and see worth you’ll drown yourself into their eyes, how this feeling likes to take over a kind of body, wanting to be their kind of hope too, how do you tell love that you want to be as strong as them, that you’re wanting to be their hope, how do you tell love this and much more when you witness your feelings overflow and you confess to love saying how you love them and they don’t even know that you don’t see the point of life without them, that this body wants to be their kind of strong, how do you try to silence an intensity because of words such as flowers, words like I love you, how do you tell love you want all of them and they are the perfect timing and this intensity for them is everlasting, how do you shy away from an intensity, how do you tell love that you’re not shy of your love for their kind of being, how you could cry enough for them to keep them alive, how they are your oasis, that you believe in their kind of love, that they don’t have to be and you’ll love them harder, how do you tell love they are the perspective of honest love, how do you explain to love that they are more than the words you fumble spill your heart into, that you’re giving them your heart, how do you learn to not fear a feeling, words that stimulate love, the fear is feeling too much, telling love they are hope when you look into their eyes, how this feeling takes over, wanting to be their kind of hope too, how do you tell love I love you too much.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.10.17
don’t touch me, I don’t like to be touched in the same light that knows no truth about this kind of self, how I fear the things that come this close only to watch them crumble and lie in my eyes is the kind of perfection that knows what malaise looks like, has seen its tears and shed blood for its entrance, speak louder I can’t hear you when you’re this much mute this much hurt, isn’t it funny how I can’t keep opportunity for no longer than a couple of mouths, its all I need to show how much praise attention and compliments, there’s only so much this body can do until it notices its own cracks, see the way it hides self from them, see the way she smiles, she has taken you all for a fool, can you see her, can you see the way she cries about her health like she has control, like her body weak, like what is normal, like she is not normal, look at how she cries for nothing, silly, the way she can’t do life without others, without herself, the way she can’t do life, do you see, she’ll cry for your help behind your back only to tell you she’s okay and she’s done this before, how she holds everything in because her plight is still not understood for herself so why tell those close to her heartbeat, why say anything to anyone when she wants to scream pleas like don’t touch me, I don’t like to be touched in the same light that knows no about this kind of self-, but you never told anyone about this truth so what else were you really expecting.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.10.17
Sometimes I imagine being an empty shell, not being able to feel, speak or move, I imagine what its like to be something much less painful, something needed like the rain, I wish I was the rain so that when I feel like it I can cry and they’ll still (need me) call me beautiful and needed