Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

29.1.18 | 9.3.18 | 19.3.18

What do you want? I want to know that too, where do you see this going? I don’t have answers to these things, I am a misfortune and a bound soul left in my conscious where I think I belong, what are you hoping for? I hope that the things that are this way that is not okay turn into the moon, where are you? I don’t know how to answer that, who are you with? I am in a place far away from here, somewhere surrounded by a heartbeat and outside of myself, how are you feeling? I am suffocating on this air, my chest feels like crowded and breathless at the same time, I don’t feel safe here, what does safe look like to you? it doesn’t have eyes, its a feeling that can not be described but felt deeply in the heart, I wouldn’t know where to begin, what is left for this body now that you’re accepting to learn about its tamed anarchy? I am learning that we are most alike, that we meet these types of souls for a reason and to dwell on its absence is not always a formality but an acceptance of ourselves and how we choose to exist and exhaust this lifetime, so you have found appreciation yet? yes and maybe, in the form of everything that lives around my truth there are no such things as abnormal nor less important than one another, this connection is a mutating confession with this dream-like reality that lives externally of us, so what would you call it? I want to know that too, I don’t have the answers, I am a bound soul that turns into the moon, where are you? I am in a place far from here, its a feeling that can not be described but felt by the heart, maybe, this connection is a mutating confession with dreamlike realities that are in a constant rotation of ourselves and how we choose to be timeless, which could mean, we are an internally pending reality.


Gratitude Diary Entry #tano

” I’ve watched and felt this body go through so much alone, its still learning to trust others and its self more than anything in this world, when you learn to become the rain you also learn about all else that comes with it, you know what it feels like to be hope, and what it feels like to despair, this is how you’re unbelievable strength for a body that it learning what it means to not just exist, but to live with purpose and to rescue itself with loving integrity…”

I tell you how I often begin my days early in the morning with the light breeze and morning sounds breathe through my window, these are usually my best starts to my day, yesterday I forgot to eat and slept through my stomach because I had forgotten what it felt like to be hungry, I was kept wake by my false act of mixing medication with an unwanted diet and it stopped trying to work, I’m learning what I need to do in order to feel its full affects and my body is not really adjusting, the symptoms include, sleep, no apatite, sleep, nauseous and dizzy spells like I was a baby learning to walk for the first time, today I haven’t slept, left text messages on reply and didn’t call back, but I have gained a sense of myself back, staying up all day and night into a quite space can also have its benefits, there’s something really powerful about being able to sit by yourself and be so vulnerable and uncomfortable with yourself up to the point of raw honesty in your type of solitude. I can say I am now making a clear reminder to take my medication more seriously at a strict time as well as change my diet for my health. Its been a great deal of trouble, however, today I am glad for my self-awareness \ initiative to slowly bounce back.

Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for my self-awareness \ initiative.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

28.2.18, 1.3.18

I imagine I am scared of love, I mean being loved, I see the way I question intentions the way I close myself off to the things that make me light, the entirety of my presence, which also means my identity, that I shut out and shut down at chances of being loved like I knew how it was going to end anyway, when you feel like you don’t deserve these kinds of things you become the rain, you tell this body to tread softly but no too soft, to be open but not too open, to never be your self too much because we don’t know them yet, too scared that our own will make them realize words like better, like you were never interested or too interested and it was too much, you were being too much, always this overwhelming love for them but not for who I am and wonder where that comes from because I don’t see this body as shame confidently speaking I see myself as so many intangibles they are not enough to help you understand me and I can’t understand myself sometimes, but when I try to find its words they are no where spoken, concealed in my actions as well as the detailed lining in my palms how I want them to see me, forget that I am not seeing myself, enough, I have dwelled on this word for as long as I can remember, I am enough, not for them, him, her but for me, I, am enough to swallow myself whole too, reminding this body that it is allowed to do both, overflow and contract is to feel so tenderly, that we don’t need words all the time, we are always free to be who we are we owe our body this much, divine, we will almost never be enough for others, however, we can always rescue love to be enough for ourselves first.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.2.18 | be careful, you might

Heartbeat 1, and they give me what I want, can get lost in their line of sight and the way they walk, heartbeat 2, when funny is also charming you put two kinds of people together and they become whatever you want it to be, the mind plays, heartbeat 3, how each song is purposely rhymed and you wonder if they know it too, so lost in lyric you could swear it was about them they don’t know these secrets, heartbeat 4, you are known for stealing moments rather than kisses they are the kind of memories that only you have seen, you don’t disclose cryptic behavior very easily count them as a chance, heartbeat 5, could use their voice as my pulse and they would never know, the kind of soft chime that aches even without their presence, heartbeat 6, watch how quickly I smile at things that make no sense hidden, you make no sense remind me how gentle they can be too and maybe you can see it all, they are both a mystery and untouchable, heartbeat 7, the only thing I wait for and they know what it is too, can’t leave without it, please do not read this, heartbeat 8, they are not for consumption of your time remember what belongs to others is not yours do not play with things like trust and attraction, you know this feeling, heartbeat 9, you must choose it a secret, you can not have what is not yours, this is the heart and the minds favorite passion, heartbeat 10, you’re not lost you find heartbeats in them all some of which you can also hold find out its secrets, a pounding feeling been pulling on the heart this grip and intriguing the mind’s game of pure neurotic temptation, seduction is a strength best left to keep guessing.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Often, I wonder at love if I am enough for them, I look at myself and touch the mirror in front of me, I see how my heart aches for a soul that has not yet met the heart, the mind likes to tell the heart its secrets and not me, fears that we are both as hopelessly in love when we see him, there have been lovers but never loved, then I start to mention how often it feels to brake and buckle at the knees when I feel the heart brake this way, you have always sworn to be an addict to love, the mind fears you’re loving all the wrong people, your heart helps the mind explain things like how you felt when they kissed you, that their touch was real, their words, were not in hesitation and you could almost touch them too, the mind, will always side with you when you’re this kind of love because, it knows how much and honest you fall even when you’re not loved the same way, you see the mind talk to the heart and can’t help but want something this real, when you look at love the mind says, find it in yourself first and then in them baby girl, you’re needed in this body too, in yourself, is when you’re able to find loved too.- but I wonder what that looks like, wonder things like how long will I have to wait to see them, have we met already, can they find my soul instead then, I can’t help feel like my heart brake into two even halves this way, he sounds like love to me, why is it that he is not, what’s the difference between love and loved anyway, they are the same ache, the mind tells me no they are different, the heart slows down and I ask how, and it tells me, love, is what we receive when we’re loved, and now, I ache some more.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.1.18 |Past and present. Collateral Beauty.

I told her, she is also the reason behind this mind, said that as a child where do I even begin, all I did was throw glass at myself, when she wouldn’t listen to my heart I went into small spaces and tried to put it back together, there were memories, where I cried about not being unsterstood and when you’re this fragile even as a child you stop speaking about how you feel because you start thinking this, is the way everybody must be, when we look at our parents as children, we forget they are human, when we look at our parents as adults we forget they are human, must be sometype of ourselves, how we headache into a state of sanity, forget about the complicated and simple things in life is to exist and include yourself in your own oaisis of this world, is to refuse to believe how cruel we can also be to ourselves, love, time, death.
dear love,
I have watched you in so many people and things that sometimes I don’t know where to place you in myself, you have shown me so much. I met you in my friends now, and the first, was a boy when I was 15 and I still think about him when you escape my mouth.
dear time,
Why is it that we want to consume you and not get lost in you. I have bothered about it too, however, in my reality, you’re not the issue but the answer. I could drown into your syllables and watch the world fall into my arms too.
dear death,
The first time I met you I was 10, my body has not forgotten how you wanted to show your mother your feelings we, are no strange to you. You have given me a part of myself I think I lose each time and this is when we meet, and you, show me, love. I am still learning about your malaise.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

28.1.18 | do you lie to yourself

I’ll never understand the human body, it’s the type of mobility that can live on dishonesty and feed off love, where do you begin to trust a world of survival when you hear things that leave mouths connected to ourselves and them, I’ve never been a person that celebrates this kind of morality, I don’t like hearing things that are pretend when they are glaring in my eyes and seeping out of my intuition this way, sure, we are dreamers but in this world lying about self is never the easy way out, haven’t you met mother earth already, hasn’t she told you that this world is according to your choice of life yet, that when we choice between a lie and the truth we are giving the other person control, that they can catch up to our variety of make belief, that when you lie you forget that you’re also lying to yourself and your body will start to feel cracks and you won’t have noticed, our body is full on so much already, I trust you won’t be able to keep up with the bodies confessions that are not yet complicatedly understood by yourself nor its core, the world is suffocating on so much potential don’t be another one of its unwanted phenomenon’s.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate


Lately, I’ve been finding myself in really strange realities, Im seeing and noticing things that haven’t happened already with so much clarity, and in the same instant losing sleep, and my apatite, Im starting to feel my whole body in this kind of outward gravity, like my body is trying so hard to exist in a kind of presence where I can already see what’s unfolding right before my eyes before it has even happened and all I can do is watch and be cautious of myself, my sense of trust and truth could not be any stronger, I am feeling words like chaos, pain, their feelings, them, the ones who interact with me, watching words that leave their mouth and how their body language acts, I don’t even listen to most of their narrative anymore its enough to watch them speak, I am much more patience in this state of mind with a sense of anarchy and sharp awareness for the way others self whether they choose to show me or not, these types of things are not constraint to me, I am so much more confident in my narrative, what leaves my mouth is absolute, my truth has never been this much voice, there is less body, I am so much self in this state of mind there is no balance just a different sense of lost and reality in the same being but never constraint to these words, I am the most believe when I am this type of self, there’s a strong yielding of bind that holds me, I am finding it really hard to sleep with all this mind, I am in parallels with different moods, realities, and myself where do I even begin to find stability in this actual resilience.

Entry #8: Mental Health Update. (Overdue) – CHECK IN.


I went for a check up on Monday to pick up a new mental health plan, and my doc asked me to do the same list of questions I do whenever I go and see him.

On that day I had a whole other heap of things going on with my body and being in that same room that I got my first diagnosis reminds me of how heavy it felt to breathe, and emphasized how much I hated going to the doctors. Anyway, I filled out the form with all the familiar questions and answers and I want to say that the results were not that bad but as I looked at my answers in a whole and I was in a little bit in shock. Because, you know it was one of those moments where you don’t know something is that bad until you  stop and step back to look at it in its entirety and realise

“wow, we still have a long way to go” 

that’s almost how I felt.

After I handed him back the paper I was feeling pretty shaky, couldn’t stay still and the doc looked at me and asked me if I feel like I’ve been feeling any progress with therapy and I tell him yes I have, then he asks me about self-harm and suicide and I’m just so shocked at how confronting those words were to hear them from another person’s mouth, becuse keep in mind I litrally do not see him unless I have to get another mental health plan and also as someone who lives in a world where we are still not able to mention these kinds of words and talk about mental health in a whollistic reality I couldn’t help but feel so taken back. I couldn’t bring myself to be so direct and so I told him just thoughts.

When I looked up he was typing on his computer and I was trying to figure out what his filling out, then he looks over to me and says okay so you’ve been doing therapy for a while now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, I think its time we also give you some medication and do a detailed mental diagnosis.

I’m being very comical about it now but YOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS SHOOK!! I never in my life thought I would have to take a prescription. I was so content with therapy, meditation and other things even though they were fading away so fast from my routine I still wanted to think that one day I’ll get back to it again.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH. I was so shocked and nervous when he said that though he had to repeat what he said and I just remember being in my head like wow, okay so I’m not getting any better and what I have to do this, should I do this…is this something that I should now consider. I just told him “yea, okay.”

I had my psych appointment that day so I told her about it and expressed all my concerns and she said that its an option, and suggested that I go for the appointment and send her the name of the prescription and we can have a look at it together. So I think that’s what I’m thinking of doing, I don’t have to take it right away she said so I feel a little reassured by this, however, I’m still very scared and nervous about a lot of things at this point.

I just wanted to fill myself in on whats been going on because I have no else to tell but myself, soooo….this is what I’m going through right now and I’ll check in another time.


Poetry: Melody of Being Animate


We are all dangerous lost souls searching for love in a world where we are not always seen as daring fables and shooting stars, but rather alchemists that confined in the ways of a world that is shattering at our futures predicament, can feel how we have been aliened to be to shake off this kind of abnormal can you see how they have told us to be, shape shift and see the world for what it really is, can we be the intangibles that come and rescue ourselves from a place that is not yet a reality in this life time, can we only create a reality in this life time, which is to see the future, to know what your body has been begging of you, so touch your own heart and not always another, to come close to your body and witness the way it survives and thrives off the rain the rays how we are so well known for the comfort we give to ourselves, that we are this type of selfish for ourselves, bliss, fable, dreamer, beauty that can never be seen by your average, the secret is the kind of flame that lives inside of our minds, that is the kind of love we should also be searching for, the one that also lets the heart breathe, touch your skin, feel your body believe from the inside, you have always been a norm to what is not normal, now breathe, you’re a welcomed breath here.