Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.10.17
don’t touch me, I don’t like to be touched in the same light that knows no truth about this kind of self, how I fear the things that come this close only to watch them crumble and lie in my eyes is the kind of perfection that knows what malaise looks like, has seen its tears and shed blood for its entrance, speak louder I can’t hear you when you’re this much mute this much hurt, isn’t it funny how I can’t keep opportunity for no longer than a couple of mouths, its all I need to show how much praise attention and compliments, there’s only so much this body can do until it notices its own cracks, see the way it hides self from them, see the way she smiles, she has taken you all for a fool, can you see her, can you see the way she cries about her health like she has control, like her body weak, like what is normal, like she is not normal, look at how she cries for nothing, silly, the way she can’t do life without others, without herself, the way she can’t do life, do you see, she’ll cry for your help behind your back only to tell you she’s okay and she’s done this before, how she holds everything in because her plight is still not understood for herself so why tell those close to her heartbeat, why say anything to anyone when she wants to scream pleas like don’t touch me, I don’t like to be touched in the same light that knows no about this kind of self-, but you never told anyone about this truth so what else were you really expecting.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.10.17
Sometimes I imagine being an empty shell, not being able to feel, speak or move, I imagine what its like to be something much less painful, something needed like the rain, I wish I was the rain so that when I feel like it I can cry and they’ll still (need me) call me beautiful and needed

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

23.10.17
how do you slow the heart down when it’s known this pacing of blood before it knew what to call it. _Anxiety (soft)

Entry #7: Being present, and symptoms

These types of entries are on a more personal level, relevant to myself, going through my own mental health journey and what I think it means being present when I’m not feeling okay, as well as what some of my symptoms may look like.

So today is officially the third day maybe that my mental health is really starting to surface. I’ve just recently started a new job and I’m so happy with it but my mental health has really started to weigh me down in terms of performance, ability, and probably the most dramatic thing that happens when I start to feel my anxiety peak is that I want to call in with the most heinous no loophole reason as to why I can’t come into work today.

I’ve been in my head for a while now though, and today is really the only day where I can’t take it anymore because I can slowly start to feel my body get used to the feeling and fall back into that kind of mental trap. I changed my environment, but to be honest I’m still not feeling okay, starting to get pretty worried that I may not cope. Also, I’m seeing my psychologist on the 31st because that was the closest available date.

My symptoms that stand out to me the most are I don’t want to see anyone just want my own company to try and figure out solutions, being stuck in my head while losing track of time spans, feeling sick usually my stomach or my head, when it gets really bad I just want to sleep, lose my appetite or I eat a lot, I get random panic attacks and my body shakes or twitches.

Being present is  a hard one, I feel like I’m still not able to do this; Because personally for myself, when I start to feel my mental health suffering or my body feeling or acting out of my norm I want to do what I can to help myself and for the longest time it’s just been to change my environment and write whatever comes to mind.

As of right now, I’m still very much stuck in my head, I’ve changed my environment, and I’m writing an entry of what is coming to my mind and snacking. I haven’t been eating too well since I started feeling really off.

I’m having a pretty rough day to be honest, I feel really frustrated, distant and numb.

On the bright side I’m wearing bright clothes to compensate, and eating my favorite snacks also I’ll probably get food while I’m here too.

Gratitude Diary Entry #ine

“Watch this space, watch her mind make chaos and her hero it back to a kind of superpower, she is the resilient nourishing flower, the sign of hope, the feeling of hope, she is her own hero to this kind of a body that knows very well how to personalize a type of noose, she is the begging saviour a rescue to her own survive, this strong, a type of moonlight, the twin hype to starlight dust, she is learning by herself so well, who else can say they have done this, who else can say they are surviving the smartest organ in their body, who else is this much self-care, tell me who..”

I get a lot of questions about why I go to the city by myself and what I do there, the simplest answer is because sometimes my body likes to be alone.

I’ve been doing this for a while now, and for me personally, its become a little therapeutic in a way. I mean its a way for my body to maybe find calm in its chaos, both inside and outside of the mind. Sometimes I come to the city sit in the library and binge watch anime with snacks like I was at home in my own room except I’m not in my own space. For the longest time now I’ve always found it so fascinating, and also challenging to be comfortable in my own skin, my own body and mental, basically to be my truest self, and every day I am still learning.

I find people intriguing so I go somewhere where there will be new people most every day, somewhere that is not always so familiar because familiar gives me anxiety too. I’m trying to teach my body a type of comfort and calm when I sense a breakdown, and for the first couple of months, I was really struggling to be around myself and come to terms with what was going on, and why I was breaking down. Even though I was not always sure most of the time, the times where I was sure made me feel capable and in control of my own body and mental, even if it meant it was a little or not enough. I started to reward myself for the little victories I made towards my own self-care, and this is how I’ve survived to where I am now.

Being grateful is a beautiful thing. But being grateful for your own care, love, happiness, body, mind, emotions, energy, wins, rewards, failures, existence, survival, space, mental health, your own sense of hope and beliefs is something to truly celebrate the most.

You’re as powerful, loving, resilient, kind and nourishing as your own practiced self-care. And trust me, they will notice it once you start to believe and practice it. You’re worth all the effort ALWAYS.

Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for my self-care.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

18.10.17

I’ve come to realise somethings about myself, things that I knew but didn’t know how to explain, it goes something like this, I look at the world the same way I look at people, opportunities, there is never a right or wrong answer but the flood of mental health and personality, sometimes it feels like war between myself and these things, I think about how anxiety has me in this tight grip, noose so personal all of a sudden, how the few stability in my life can subtly be stolen away by something that wants to need this body like the air we breathe, have come to understand that my mental health is also my worst enemy as well as my first love, how it teaches me about self, and love in the same destructive dysfunctional health, the things I never knew about, how it leaves this body feeling weak, surround this being with such careless yet die-hard words that know so well to break this same body down, when you have things like opportunity its strangely painful to witness your body want to suffocate all the breath it has saved, all at once, your body goes into this alternative mode where you start to overthink things like your ability, like how long can you keep this up, like, can you even do this, like you can’t keep up, like, I know you’ve been doing so well that opportunity felt right, felt like opportunity used to smile at you, it felt almost like happy, but you also know how that word doesn’t belong to this body, you felt like for the first time opportunity was something you can handle, but now, you feel like the air you’re breathing is not meant for you, like crying is not a solution and you refuse to give in to such weakness, you start to fight for opportunity and not yourself, also what will happen when your body and the best opportunity for you right now is starting to feel like its slipping away, like in this kind of reality how many times are we meant to let the body win, how many times can we break this body to win in the present, how do we stay this much of alive and fight for opportunity when our body starts crying for help and you start feeling worthless, like mental health is the enemy when you’ve worked so hard for a kind of opportunity just to harshly surrender and fight your own body and mental health at the same time, how do you win when you don’t understand whats going on, when you start feeling sorry for a familiar body, feel each word make aims at the heart, slowly reminding yourself…

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

12.10.17 | Incapable of honesty

you know, I look at love and I see where their trying to come from, I see their scars right through their words, there’s this vulnerable intimacy just for a moment and they are able to tell the truth, I’ve noticed it a few times, how love likes to take hearts and hold onto them so that they can use it when necessary, I’ve seen it so many times, I’ve felt how they speak about themselves and such narrative is the kind that cuts through skin, the best kind, the honest type, then they use that same narrative to dip yours and their body in poison, how often they lie and think you do not notice don’t remember that you’re both human and instinct, despite this you also allow them to take over this body sometimes because it feels like a different world when skin and kisses are touched in a kind of way, they are just the right amount of dishonest still, they forget that you have done this before, we all know our worth is as much as our truth, so when we lie we can not expect the truth, when we tell the truth we can not always expect the truth back this, is how you also loose love, you’ll fall out of love vigorously, they don’t understand the unpredictable reality such is too much, and you, you like to take others words and ponder their actions, match the words see the way they lied in front of this honest body to them not malaise, a massacre of torn up recycled truth to them just words, and you, you can’t help but laugh now, because again, this has happened too many times, you’ve seen what it means to love a lie, when you’re not ready for its kind of intensity, when you have watched passion in eyes that wreck with false narrative and actions in case you liked hearing lies you’ll witness what it means when the hearts brakes into two even halves, feel it ache throughout the body that had been taken for a fool, think not much of it, it is a gentle intense reminder of worth in feeling, if you were the honest one you will not regret a moment of your words, to know that you were honest with this kind of body is to love harder and know how to love back, this, is so important.

Gratitude Diary Entry #tatu

“Three, I look at parts of my heart that are connected to souls who share will, trust, love, inspiration, truth, spring, something so beautiful about friendship how each conversation is the beginning of something so irreplaceable, the ones who we call close to our heart are the ones we can’t see this life without, they are the finer things in life that can not be so carelessly replaced, they have been known in this body well as alive too.”

 I woke up this morning to conversations from friends, and as we talked and related I felt my heart really tighten at our conversations. I started thinking about the people who have taught me, inspired me, loved me, fangirled with me, challenged me and more in my 22 years and my close friends came to mind so Akeer, Elenoa, Adrianne, Carina, Tat, Jonas, Wani, and Naome this is for you all and to the many more connections I make.

When I think about my close friends I think isn’t such a blessing to have these people in my life. What I’m really trying to say is, there isn’t just one thing I love about all of you and I guess that is the beauty in it all. I love all of you just the ways you all are, and to me, there isn’t really anything that can quite compare. I appreciate you all in so many different and loving ways, I just hope you all know this.

Also, thank you, I love you.

Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for my close friends.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

5.10.17
flowers..meaning hope

“Watch this season change, this air has a way about its feel,there’s something so captivating about watching the spring, even the rain has a different chime, a voice so sweet in tune with her melody of being animate, how it overwhelms and beautifully whispers its secrets to the rain, without missing a sound only to notice it raining down on her, this is her birth, her other lover is to watch the colours turn into her favorite kinds of adorn, her will is just as commanding, much more fearless than usual, come, a hidden secret that vines her body, listen well, her mental health isn’t so apparent this season, a well kept secret the way the rain loves her back is untouchable, the mind will come to understand that its moments like these that she breathes, she is all types of care free bliss, only this season can give her flowers.” _hope

Gratitude Diary Entry #mbili

5.10.17

“Two, I love the way the rain sounds on my birth season, month, I’m able to believe in flowers each spring, a reminder of hope is what I pray for every spring.”

Gratitude is such a beautiful word to me. When I think about what it means I think about hopeful realities. I think about beats, the rain and wearing what I am feeling. I am a proud believer in this because it also buys me time in my own way.

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Today is one of those days. I set out goals, the feeling of being able to get the small things together really gets you out of your own head. You start to feeling “normal” writing something like this makes me happy, remedy was on to something when she said to write when you’re also happy. I woke up feeling good because I had work and once it was done I started to get caught up in my mind, so I wrote some goals down using the Ike app it’s amazing I’m obsessed with it for some bizarre reason. I’ve tried other organizing/plan your day apps and none of them have stuck but this one.

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I always feel heaps better doing something that involves me keeping busy regardless of how small and how I feel, I try.

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Like for instance today I was feeling a little low after work for no apparent reason and my mental health started kicking in so I got out the app and wrote a few things to grab under goals and urgent was to go to the city and take time for myself because since work I haven’t done that since, and I used to do this pretty often.

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I’m here now and I know what I am grateful for today. Also, I’m starving I should probably eat too.

Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for the Ike app.

 

Thank You.

Fatma Hussein