Poem: Melody of Being Animate

18//5/16
Broke
I hate this feeling, a few bad words n I’m back to where I told myself to keep loving, I’m always left feeling the strain on my heartstrings, it was just a few bad words, careless, not careless, self-pity, that it only took a few words to doubt the way I chose to take lead, its not fair, I worked so hard to get to this far, how can a few words jolt this body so far back, god its so frustrating, when the ones who care so much hurt you without even this body knowing the damage after it was done, I was trying so hard to control what I could, it was just a few words, why did they cause this fragile, I don’t understand why its still this weak over a few words, I was in so much control that I was almost proud, I built this body back to pride, self-worth, trying to love, n its already showing the cracks, how can things be going so well then a few words its almost all worthless, I don’t know what to do, I can already feel my body, state of mind going back to its old tricks, playing a game I didn’t ask to be a part of, this is my body, why is it so hard to control what it mine, it belongs to me, why when I’m trying so hard to be better, when I’m doing all I can to be so happy, when things were starting to feel good, feel right, when I was starting to understand what happy was, a few words gave doubt the key n opened so much unnecessary, so much heartache, so many unwanted memories, moments, back then it was so hard, I had come so far, I don’t want to go back to when I’m feeling like this, its so damn hard when you don’t have the answers to what belongs to you, how can my body betray so easily, its mine, it was just a few words, I’m so scared now, something good had finally happened n now I feel like because of the I am n the way this body is slowly retracting to old ways I’m going to loose something that I don’t want to, that its going to be hard for me to be the person I am when I wasn’t, I know I am, the real me is slowly fading back into the pandora, I’m so scared, all the thoughts I was afraid of are coming back to haunt me, make anarchy of what I’ve worked so hard to become, it was only a few words, n that’s all it took for me to start feeling the broken all over again

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Unwind: Crushing hard without cause

I think about him n I think to myself, why do I fall so hard, that the simple finger print gestures light my body, fuse this heartbeat, I’m starting to think that when I’m happy I’m so determined to stay happy that I refuse to give up, that I will work harder, if only he knew, that my like alights everything, it allows me to do what I’ve always wanted to be, happy, with the one I choose, you

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Sometime last month
Selflove (in twin) Part 2: Win (verb)

Wining, achieve, accomplish, proud, so much to be feeling good for, self love, selfless, a great deal, unanswered, unshakable, taken, no control, symptoms, you can fight this, allow yourself to win, don’t let the bad days feel like they’ll be there forever, don’t give them control over your control, remember all the good in twin, remember balance, practice remembering the good, it’ll take time n that’s okay, wining is not something that happens without the experience, the problem, success is gained through a lot of trail n error, as cliche as it may sound, this is all the truth, learn to accept failure so you can make your next move, so your body isn’t left feeling the damage, both emotionally n mentally, keep the balance, this is how winner becomes success, n this is how illness becomes a cure, allow yourself to heal, selflove is the greatest accomplishment, it’ll allow, as you see the red sea part you take your last breaths of symptoms, you let the wind guid your footsteps into opportunity n beautiful disasters

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Sugar
18/4/16

Isn’t it funny, the way mind over matter, overthinking, turns into anarchy, turn you into love mess, turn love into society mind game, how much are you willing to give, take, receive, believe, what happened to rules, what are the rules, this life doesn’t come with instructions, remedies, diagnosis of this emotional, unwind this state of mind, ease this heart beat, turn this mood into curious, into secrets, don’t you know your narrative to this love, like, what society labels, label, don’t you want this to work, don’t you understand how this works, love doesn’t come with sugar coast, at ease, you remember now, there is no simplicity to this feeling, there’s only you, n how you choose to keep this feeling

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

4/5/16
I’ve been thinking

I’ve been thinking, the mind is such a powerful thing, you can choose, but, even you know when it comes down to it there’s only one thing that stands in the way of choice, n that’s state of mind, isn’t it funny, something that is built into our bodies can decide so much, that the outcome is almost inevitable, how mindless, letting one thing, a part of you decide so much, when you think about choice you think about the choices, when your state of mind thinks about choice, it thinks one outcome, so misleading even when you know there’s more than one, I’ve been thinking about how the impact can leave your body feeling too much, how it can break this protective shield, built around state of mind, once again how mindless, when all you can do is believe one outcome, cause so much with just choosing one, do you see where I’m going with this analogy, this fate of how much this mind can control, do you see what its causing, the choices, one choice, do you see the impact of whiplash is leaves, scares, I told you so’s, do you see now, you had control the whole time, you had control, your narrative spoke it’s truth n your mind policed, guned down all the choices, took all the good with it, do you see now, you had control

Note to self: You always knew, you just needed to hear it from outside yourself

11/4/16
Finally

The doctor asked me if I was depressed, I couldn’t help but laugh.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

1/5/16
On explaining a panic attack

On explaining a panic attack, a weakness, out of control, out of your control, do you see the trigger now, do you see the other behind the problem, just a part of you missing, nothing makes sense, you try to catch what’s left of your sanity, but your fingertips start to separate to sin, the feeling making its way through your body like an addict, you can’t stop, it feels like a burning building, n the survivors can do nothing but watch it tumble to why me’s, pandora of mind games, try to survive, you are trying to get to their side, safe, you just want to be saved, you’ve done all you can now, you lost control remember, it’s hard when you can’t control what is yours, yourself, this body, trying to take back control of control, its misconception in its own syllable, how careless, when all you can do is try to make impossible possible again, it was never this hard, but with time it just got worse, there’s nothing left to do now but fight this body, take back what is yours, do the impossible n take control, you understand now, this is something you need to do to get better, this is a fight that must be won, self-love is selfless, win your body back

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

12/4/16
An Apology

I feel sorry for my younger self, thinking about it now, she never had an outlet, she didn’t have anywhere to go, no one to talk to, she grew up feeling broken, she could never understand the emotional wreck she was, she only had her self, she grew up having two souls in one body, she started talking to it like it was the best friend she never had a chance to make, after a while, she realized its impossible for two souls to be bound to one body, it was then that she realized she was consulting herself, it was then, that everything went numb