Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

25.02.17
the weather (part 3)

“…beats with an infusion of kiborana playing atmosphere, the sun is gleaming n I’m feeling melanated, today seems like bliss, I made it out of my space, not before I meditated n walked out of its presence, I still feel really unsettled n unable, however I can feel the mind hard at work again, putting at ease this mood, n allowing it to shine just as bright as the sun, the day is passing me as I sit here mesmerized by my own, taking the time to understand its beautiful, today seems like bliss..”

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.03.17 | 25.02.17
the mind and insomnia are homies (part 2)

The more I think about it, the more I understand why this mind n insomnia are best friends, something to do with dealing with reality, finding ways to understand each other, the only time insomnia arrives, is when the mind has been having a hard time, not able to come to terms, not able, sometimes the mind doesn’t know n its hard on its cognitive so at night, it seeks out its best friend n they organize systematic game plans, they talk clearly about filtering potential strategies, they cry together, they have both been through an immense sense of yielding, n today I finally understood why, when the body is not ok it seeks out the heart, when the heart doesn’t have solutions due to all the whiplash of overwhelming emotions it puts strains on the heart strings, causing it to easily break n loosen its noose, when the heart gets this emotional it usually wails crying out to the mind, the mind does what it can, what it has to do, n at the end of the day when its been hard at work, solutions aren’t working the way they are meant to, the mind starts to see all the cracks with bias, judgment, stress, anxiety, irritation, the mind falls ill to its own answers a waits until the light outside starts to fade into the night sky, patiently laying in bed, waiting for insomnia to ease its demise, assist in both comfort n course of action together, which means this whole time, insomnia was on our side, this whole time they were a team, they temporarily took remedies halo n I didn’t even know, this whole time insomnia was by my side, watching, waiting until the perfect hour to ease this bodies whole, allow the mind to let out its frustrations, even I know sometimes the mind doesn’t want to talk to family, would much rather salt water saturate to close friends, n I want to let the mind know that that’s okay, we’re only human, we too need to have outlets in order to heal.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

22.02.17 | 24.02.17 | 25.02.17
Mischievous behavior (the mind is a powerful organ) (part 1)

“…sometimes, I can take it, sometimes its exhausting to be this destructed, there’s hardly any focus when the mind is set on anything its so difficult to bring it back to reality, continuously taking the whole body along with its mischief behavior, look how it takes a toll when your mind is this active with passing thoughts sometimes you loose grip of reality so quick you could almost swear you existed just a moment ago, that you were present, I have this burning headache, I don’t feel like doing anything, I just want to rest, Im starting to get pulled into its mischief, sometimes I confuse the mind for the souls that playfully roam this body, so when I tell you I have been busy…”

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

22.02.17

Patient/ Patience: “…to be honest, Im just hungry, I’ve had two coffee’s, bought another even though my body said no, n now Im sitting here having an inner outer body experience, Im just watching others live their life forgetting to live mine, Im stuck between two realities, finding it hard to come to terms with this kind of black magic, not sure why the heart feels like it isn’t there, like it doesn’t exist, like my mind is a person wondering the world in all its curious chaos, this is a mess, to be honest, Im just hungry, Im watching my fingers type this bodies words like they were my own, this body narrates its own the choice of words are not mine, we are two split into two different realities, my eyes are watching other people to find some sort of stability, reassure me that I haven’t left this reality yet, my heart feels like its not there, a more accurate diagnosis is it seems to feel as though its stopped beating, once the beats chose to stop, it made a mess, I don’t want to leave this reality yet, I don’t want this coffee, to be honest, Im just hungry.”

Poetry: Melody of being Animate

22.02.17

 

Lost: “…sometimes I wonder about what it measures to be put together, how it feels to have conditions that are as sustainable as feeling lost, you know what I mean, I want to know what it feels like to not always be so anxious as the heart tries to suffocate through the throat, how hard it is to breathe when you’re this lost n anxious in the same instant

The mind is sick daily, headaches that last far too long, along the margins of switching moods fast enough so there’s no time to react, this body has already decided to be a certain kind of lost, it never lasts as long, has this bad habit of lingering n making insanity the norm, how can anyone function when the body is this dysfunctional when it comes to doing the basics, doesn’t want to listen to any of the background nose, hauls captive everything that gives this body life, so many bad habits, intentionally shutting down to get a reaction, sometimes I am confused if the two souls in this body have more control than I thought they did, the more I unfold its hidden secrets the more lost feels like easily irritated n anxious about breathing, its all a hoax, there days where the body doesn’t want to function, would much rather listen to the rain, pick n choose in the most disorganized manner, forming new bad habits on a daily, today, I stepped out of my body n watched others in all their mystery, listened to new choices that relaxed more than just the two souls who kept me company, as we sat in silence watching n listening to the worlds background noise, this, is yet another habit that now needs to be carefully categorized.”

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

21.02.17 | no title (you get to choose)

If we changed the way we looked at fate, destiny, n all the carefree that we choose to blindly accept as expected why do we bother trying, this life isn’t fate, destiny, it is not intangible, imperfectly lost does not mean you should settle for fate or destiny, or any class of mystery, you’re capable of setting your own goals, you’re capable of becoming your own future, you don’t need to settle for charm that is intangible in case it is what is expected, you have a purpose n you’re lucky enough to get to choose what your ambitions are, don’t leave it up to something that is not in your control, a perfect example of this is each day I am constantly silently battling my own mind, my own body, I find solutions each day to combat, it has taken me time to accept that despite this isn’t a physical struggle it simply does not mean this is not real for me, n since then I have not looked back, I am not perfect nobody is, n as soon as you realize that everybody in this life time is finding their own, the sooner you will understand why, there is no better feeling then setting goals n getting closer to them regardless of how long it takes, don’t be fooled by others sugar cane so easily.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

21.02.17 | Feminism (anthem)

I wanted to write something for girls who care too  much, for girls who fear too much n so much more, I wanted to write a space for them, to help free their story, I wanted this space to be for them to reconnect with each other, with themselves, I fear too often for girls who can’t tell the difference between love n loved, those who give away their hearts to boys who are not worthy of their crowns, taint n easily make more then enough room for doubt in the form of black holes, that they attempt to conceal although too clumsy, fall too easily n mistake a knife for a king, watch how their heart whispers heart beats, blur the lines for their body, their mind is no where to be found, consumed by his sugar cane, I fear too much for girls, our girls that are growing up in a world where their body is still something that is up for discussion, that they have to go through life with a man telling them the rights to their own, don’t know that they had, they have a choice, this whole time, I wanted to write this for girls, for queens, for the women who are the gift that helped birth this nation, I wanted to write a space for them, ask all the right questions n allow their stories to be heard, I wanted them to see the love of feminism in all its tints, that this kind of love is an anthem sang for their broken, their hurt, their anger, their tears, despite such uncanny, this anthem is sang for their accidental however always unapologetic happiness.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

18.02.17 – 21.02.17 | Loyalties S (suicide)

I want you to picture what its like to feel all your sensations reunite in one plea, I want you to understand that when you’re talking with emotion to be gentle with its mouth, that when you all speak at the same time you can cause its premature conflict, dear survivor, don’t do it, your mind is feeling too much, yes, the mind can feel, don’t underestimate your confusion for its pain, dear wolf, help survivor understand what you’re hiding, know that your narrative has the ability to shed blood even when it doesn’t mean to, dear survivor, heal, surround yourself with love n give affirmation to the body even when it disagrees with your validation, you’re the only affirmation this body has told you it needs, you’re loved n don’t you ever try n run away from its release, dear problem, fix yourself, your feelings matter n you don’t have to do this, I know its hard when you don’t always understand, trust me, I know the way this works, I’ve been in a battle with this body for the longest time now, dear survivor, don’t do it, you’re loved, n even though you don’t see it now you’re loved, don’t do it, dear wolf problem, it’s over, you let your narrative find its release in their bare hands, you’ll never know that feeling of torn flesh, the smell of fresh blood, broken smiles, what did you want from survivor, dear survivor, you’re loved.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Love: “…I haven’t told you how I feel about you yet, however I want you to know that this kind of love is as delicate as the first glance, it’s as nervous as the first time, n as persistent as the first kind of love, when this feeling flourishes it’s more than just words, it takes over the body n swells into a melting sensation of both hearts beats n the unknown, I want you to understand that when love comes, it has this beautiful desire to over share, it will also want you to meet the rest of the body, you won’t know how or when, however I don’t want you to be scared, I have prepared the body just for you, the heart has agreed to let you into this love, the mind is willing to treat you with compassion n the two souls have given their permission to love this willingly, when love comes, I hope you’re ready, I have told  the body to promise it’s loyalty, so when you’re ready I will be waiting patiently.”

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

14.02.17 | This bodies lover (HVD)

It’ll be morning soon, before you know it the mind has woken up long before the eyes have the chance to rise with the sun, the mouth is carefully unwrapping its words to make them as pretty as they can pronounce, its nearly perfect, inside I can feel the heart holding in its love until the right moment beats by, the two souls in this body have been told to behave n that if they become too playful they won’t get their surprise, so for now, they are patiently waiting, its too early, we’ll wait until this body has rested the mind, eased the heart n cautioned this body

It’s time, come closer

The mind takes me by my thoughts n softly announces that without me there would be no harmony to keep it bound, that without this kind of willful love it would be bound to anarchy, the mind broke down in apology for all the countless hurt, the pain n the over thinking it causes, sometimes it doesn’t understand where it is all coming from n is sorry for putting this kind of willful love in this kind of unpleasant mindful, I want you to please accept my love for you, the harmony you bring along side your immaculate compassion when it comes to the ways this mind has known chaos far too long, n for that, I want you to know without you, I would not know both the love n compation in this kind of harmony

Holding back my tears, I hear the heart beat faster

The heart takes me gently by my emotions n honestly expresses to me that without my love there was so much unpleasant, not being able to understand your emotions must have been very hard on you, you have done so well for yourself, I want you to be proud of that much, the way you choose to love others is something that you should beam n build in yourself first, bless, your love is the highest form of recovery when it comes to yourself, thank you for teaching me to choose love above unpleasant, even when my emotions want to salt water saturate, I’ve learnt the difference between balance, n imbalance quicker than I can befriend the ocean now, thank you for always doing your best when it comes to saving me

Letting my tears find release I cry for all the affection I never knew this body had kept hidden deeper than I could dare find it, I put my hands over my eyes to try n condense so many years of hurt into this kind of love, with blurred vision I can feel two souls carefully cares my back as they embrace me into their kind of love

The two souls wrapped around my body cry with me despite their playful, they kindly tell me how much they have missed my presence n are so glad I have grown to be this kind of woman, feeling their embrace they tell me how they have watched me heal, grow, learn, love, n create all in one lifetime, said that for each suicidal survived they were glad I chose to be alive, told me that, we have seen you bare through the pain all by yourself far too long n that you’re now teaching us so much that we didn’t recognize ourselves, said that without your nurturing nature we wouldn’t be this strong, you have taught us more than enough, so now it is our time to help teach back its gratitude

I closed my eyes even tighter not wanting to let go, I cried for all my insecurities some more, for all my hardships, for all the times I felt alone, for all the times I was alone, for all the times I was healing, for all the times I grew, n for the times I made lasting friendships, for the first time in my life I understood how empowering it felt to feel confident, to have people who love you back, to heal, learn n grow everyday, I cried so much, because

Thanks to that, for the first time in very long time

I am happy n proud to be writing this alive

I am happy to be loved, n I am happy to be alive

Its so warm here now I told them, n they said

Its all despite you.