Entry #9: Mental health + Faith

My mental headspace the past few weeks and counting + check in

I feel really weird, this isn’t new to me, and reading my blog, you probably already knew this about me. I feel like I’m happy, but not really. This whole infection situation has really gotten to me but I think its passing. I have to still go get my results but inshallah it goes away. This past couple of weeks I’ve really been thinking about my faith and my relationship with Allah swt and I feel really indebted to god more than I ever have in my entire 23 years of my life. I’ve never really thought about what religion meant to me honestly until this past couple of weeks and to be really honest with you as human beings I feel like whenever we are put in a really bad situation that strikes our whole being and shocks us that’s when we really want to start digging deep and finding out who we are, whether that means spending time alone, reading, talking to our parents, specialists or looking for answers in our core values and beliefs this is somewhere to start for us and when we do its this really interesting and scary but also somewhat fulfilling journey, we hopefully want to slowly find answers to parts of ourselves, anything that is core to our honest truth that will help us identify us even a little. I have always been on this journey and with my mental health I’ve always struggled to see myself past being my illness and this has really broken my faith in a lot of things that I have tried to keep in control for myself. You know in this world people always like to tell others the best way to live each other’s lives and not pay attention to their own, there’s nothing wrong with giving advice but its when you neglect yourself first is when you will start to hurt the most. I find that most of the time I give advice to others it’s coming from a really personal and loving place which also for me means that I am also giving myself advice but I do not realize it almost ever. I’ve always loved giving advice and helping out others when and where I can the most, there is no better feeling for me personally seeing someone genuinely smile and be happy after having real intimate conversations about anything they are experiencing. For me this is what makes me happy, but because I am someone who is also clinically diagnosed with major depression and anxiety its also harder to notice these things for myself and even harder for anyone around me to notice too, because I have become so good at showing people I am okay, even when I know I’m not but in my mind how can anyone try and fix me if I can’t even fix myself, how can they know me better than I know myself I pride myself on the time I spend alone getting to know all my demons and I don’t tell a single soul about its full wrath because I find it hard to fully explain what I have suppressed unknowingly growing up, so how can you sit there and tell me you can help me when I’ve tried as hard as I can to let you in even a little and it wasn’t helping. I’m not scared of death I’m scared of myself, when I’m feeling excruciatingly low I just want so bad to know what it feels like to try dying at least once but once I put anything to my skin I can’t dig deep enough because half of me still wants to live and the other half is too scared to live. I’m thinking of going back to therapy.

I feel so much better sharing this, its just been really hard for me not knowing how to deal with mental health even up until now. Trying medication I thought I could have more peace of mind and wellbeing however that was not the case for me in my experience (DO NOT TAKE MY EXPERIENCE AS YOUR OWN ABOUT MEDICATION EVERYONE’S BODY IS VERY DIFFERENT) it did more damage internally. I have always struggled with myself and control, so for me, I know what helps me the most despite it being extremely hard to do is taking control of the things I can in my life regardless of how little, to help me see this goal I am going to list them below.

1. Stay as close to your Imaan as possible
2. Drink at least a cup of water per day
3. Do not sway too far appointments from seeing remedy
4. Write whenever you feel like doing so
5. Do NOT be so harsh on yourself you’re healing from so many years of untouched and unknown hurt

“Thank you for reading.” _fh

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

25.6.18 | always dreaming

Weightlessness, so much of ourselves in all the same places, put different understandings of our metaphors in the name of what is riotous and core to our beings, I’ve heard people say they don’t feel alive anymore the same hopes and dreams are not the same thrive as they were a kid, I tell them, be mindful of your body, it is capable of bringing anything to life, people talk about dreams like they are this weak thing don’t know they are the hidden meanings behind all these strong words, just because we speak in flowers don’t mean our child-like memories do not make them any less real, they are real too, anyone who tells you otherwise has not lived and is openly lying to themselves first, chose to close off this world and people alike forget they have also known this feeling all too familiar scared they will never forget its meaning, when you cross paths to find yourself stuck between what is real and what you’re capable of imagining don’t let other people’s resistance be a reflection of yourself remind you how far you have come to this air, this breath been fighting its own battle long before it knew its name, come clean with yourself and challenge worlds apart, heal them with your words reminding them you’re a reflection of who you are and not who you were, dreams are nowhere as fake as everyone likes to delude, they are the foundation reality of our goals, remember this when they try to silence your type of living.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

22.6.18 | a LIVE dream

I’ve been existing and accumulating enough of myself to attempt to understand my two worlds, been at a loss with both sensations both double meanings and its past present form, now its bringing new frame on my clout to its own estranged fantasies, identity has always been a layering conundrum, finding it unfathomable to attach me at such a replaceable pace of words to the parallel of an evolving being, I don’t believe in strict definitions of ourselves when we live in a time warp of unexplored galaxies planets lost spaces enough apart with dream like futuristics you’re capable of being crazy and sane at the same time just the same mind games of what is in fact “normal” and strange to the naked body almost alike, I conclude skies because I believe we’re greater than what already exists, that’s why when I bleed self care and love it is also a sign for the bodies that feel the same ache who struggle to be understood in a world covered with so much mouth and not enough eyes, who fearlessly care for others and forgot about their own breath in the same capacity, empathy can easily turn you into apathy be careful of its schooling, you’re to swear into this body the way it has learnt to adapt in a planet that dose not care about its own healing, lose yourself in minds that explore boundaries from existential bearings these intentions are lacking in both worlds, although the feeling is combined by stranger meanings its masses already stronger and monetized in my dreams before it learns to come to life first, the world is not ready for such love, still suffocating on experiments that are laughable in the presence of those who reap this kind of reward, pause, you’re permission enough-, alive dream.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

baby laughs at herself in a good way, the best days are when I don’t miss mirrors, this reflection is its own kind of temptation, days like this, I think about how anyone puts up with my treasured pride, when I’m feeling this kind of love its contagious I might just tell you my secret and cast spells with my smile, its walking past strangers watching them, they too can’t help but look at all of you like you’re out of this world and you want to tell them you are, I still do the same silly things that make hearts melt, write stories in my mind bringing them to life, this type of revolution is mine and dreamers alike, we tell lovers what we want, we have spent dangerous amounts of time in our own bones we give flowers all its bloom, and spark blue flames-, try not to get burned.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.6.18 |14.6.18| “..i love you too..” playing with heartbeats. warning.

Stop it, you’re looking for love in all the wrong feelings, when the world has tested your patience enough take it as a lesson, do not dwell on its proof rather whip lash it compassion that you have been searching for love in all the wrong places, let your body correct you enough so you can see that these beloveds are not for the faint hearted, allow yourself time you have bruised your heart before and guessed the mind games its enough now, listen to what your body is saying, softly place your right hand on your heart be curious about its teachings this being has shown you a lot of its masks to the wrong kinds of hearts, you know exactly the kind of passion, the ones that like to ghost into mysterious and miss a good thing only to come back wishing at the hearts attempt, you’re not attentive to this body, the other day and time again you have watched heartbeats say they love hearts as you have teased its truth, this snake bite is not for the faint, you listened as they tore at the worth of I love you too attendant their hands are the habit at your hips, this is not new for them, you look at him and wonder what he thinks of as nice, want to score him with its consequences, want to yell at his shameful hands when you privilege love pretended to know its true definition is to beat it into and out your mouth, love is not flowers, its more than hope, you’re not to hope in flowers, nice for what, you point blades at their throat reminding them again to have been warned into this heart, you know exactly what it means to love, wishing you could grab nice by the heart look yourself in their eyes a fire burning through your body and into theirs smile at its reflection and say, I know what love looks like, because I know where it begins first-, do not tarnish and leave hearts broken in trails of your insecurities just because you do not understand its complexities peoples hearts are not for you to need to want and discard like empty shells this is a warning to you, next time, I won’t be so gentle, watch your breath suffocate around my existence-, you have been warned.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.6.18 | 14.6.18 | Dazzzzed (no flowers here..)

I tag on his pride and he drops to my mouth, I pick him up with my lips make way for his hands tell him I don’t like it slow, want something I can brag about, he takes my hands puts them behind my back tells me he will make sweet melody with my voice I can’t help bite my bottom lip look into his eyes and smile up at him, I tell him fine, and warn him I’m an expert when it comes to the right domineer, warn him again that I can also be an expert just for him, he looks at me trailing my sides until he reaches the soft tail of my back pulls me in and says, I have a bad habit when it comes to hearts like yours, I respond likewise as he wraps his hand around my neck warning me about his presence I can tell by the look in his eyes he is intrigued, he asks me about the undeserving I have allowed into my body commanding he is not like the rest of these heartbeats, I laugh and ask him to stop lying, say he has a lot to prove and words that sing in flowers are not the kind of song you’re after, he tightens his strength around my neck I grab his hand dazed he smirks and says, I am not like the rest of these hopes, I am sharpening my words enough to ignite you the way you like and pay attention to your body, give me everything you breathe in, I don’t like sharing inner beauty of the mind, don’t make me say this again, I taste my lips and say, how long did it take you to practice these kinds of spells I too I’m not hope, you should watch the way you use such honey then I push at his hand, and ask him to tighten his grip he dosesn’t, he tags my purple hair kisses me without missing a beat and says, I don’t like being told what to do there is no truth in my being that way, plus, were’t you curious about my touch, told you I can give you both love and ecstasy, I rest both my hands on his grip look at him and say, chock me harder, please-, soft fire dream.

Checked out. なぜ私は仕事場で今日自分を殺したいのかという電話の理由を書いた。

For the past lifetime I’ve been really contemplating and achieving mistakes, see, I hold desires in my throat and my heart has this content feeling where there is no such thing as wrong when you’re really into someone, so I reached as far close to this feeling and made same same, but different mistakes.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.6.18 \ the L word

I am witness that nothing can prepare to compare when you kiss someone who has learnt to steal your heart charmingly, hands that notice the hiding spaces you quiet down next to them, breathe at the same time to open your world for the L word with your fingertips reaching into their heart and mind, guide them carefully, warn them this wonderland utpoia has been a paralysis of heaven even without their love first, they are the first to be welcomed, you warn them a second time reminding them how this body is selfish when it comes to my love so you tightly hold their hand saying be careful, tell them to speak in trailingual, flowers, speak in the rain and dreams, your secrets are my secrets too now, answer, I have fated us both, choose a kingdom, you kiss them gentley whispering, I’ll be waiting for you right here, so come to find me

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.6.18 \ kissing.

Kiss, I can be nice and I can be casanova, I’ve learnt so well what it means to romance hearts and never exhaust melody of being animate, kiss me and tassle your words tightley enough around my neck wrap your hands with mine, please; and melt me with your rare, kiss, I get bored easily so be careful with my heart, it is bored to death with all the lies and split hearts of ghost words with no erotics, kiss me again, I am warned by her’s and him but I could not warn you enough about me, I’ll giggle into your ear whisk my tongue down your lips to your neck you have been warned about how I get my ways, it’s just one allure after another, bite you back and create fantasy right before your eyes, hands tied behind your back, I am not afraid to show you how much I love, when you love me too-, love you.