Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

7.6.19 – 8.6.19 | will you count me in

When asked about my more of blackness I am filled with emotion and blood, can feel my palms get sweaty a me watching their tone to my skin is me remembering that I did not miss any mirrors on the way here, this is a soul that is learning about her body and how it allows to take up all the air in a room, like all the elements of this blue planet done gone blessed her with so much ache, with so much love for what is becoming to be both black and woman, to be this black and woman, I am a black woman that has no shame into her own mind, will bare you her depression type 4 that has taught her how to love when death tries to do us part, be the squeezed hand held so tight calling out to soft hands look here, will count you in mississippi’s like, one mississippi, love yourself first before you love other homes, two mississippi, love how it feels to care for yourself first this world will not apologize for what it has done to you and when you have chosen a path that has reckoning of both identity and love it will be a gentle reminder of who you’re allowing yourself to vine into, it will be a prayer, a kind solitude that needs no reaffirming, a gift for the next gratitude into your home, three mississippi, do not force a you that is still healing, you have yet to unlearn and this is more than okay, in this world it is a must to hear your own voice with your eyes, touch your fingertips and watch your ambiance dance this is anthem enough, is to hear your voice and feel you’re enough, to love my 4c from a generation of royalty, of history and passed down recipes is to love me back harder, is to love this body, is to love me back into this body is to mean to know how to love back harder, so the next time someone asks you about your blackness too, pour them a cup of chai, welcome them into your soul, let them meet everyone at home, let them know this here knows what it means to dedicate a whole day to her 4c, let the guest you welcomed into your home know this here is going to be a while.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

20.4.19 | Guest.

How do you follow me into my home, I’ve been thinking about what manifestation is, what it could look like in this state, I’ve also been talking out loud trying to remember how to use my words when I am this unexpected, I have always told myself that it’s always going to be okay, that you’re allowed to be here too, when my depression visits it brings all the ache with out the twins, knows how to flood in memories, this type of meeting has always still been this way, has always felt like the very first time, and like the last time, what do you call an insomniac with dreams, an unstable mentality into a life, how do you call it again, I’ve gotten so used to being lost that the word its self has fooled both meanings, everything in me is preparing to shutdown, there are two of me here, what is that name again trauma, healing, these words buried so into me I can’t help them out of me, sometimes I’m scared about it all, I don’t exactly know when its going to end, I’ve been holding onto my pieces picking up its shards my hands bloody, I know there are guests of who I am living here, coming in out as they please, they are sloppy, careless and misunderstood, so caved into harsh words that have never belonged here, you tell yourself not to bring that kind of talk here, we did not agree on these types of unnamed chaos too, my existence feels like its on pause again, somewhere I can not even give myself the permission to do anything but breath between these four walls, this has always been beyond a feeling, I know what it feels like to heal, I know my breath has done gone been here too long we want us back so hard, we still do not like the process of understanding everything when guests are this rude into our home, I still have dreams to bring me back alive and well, want to break all these pieces into more pieces and say look this is how I am made it here too, I am learning courage in so many conversations, learning there are more than two sides to every word, I am teaching myself that it is the best thing to fail and hearing my own plea’s is me condemning me to come into myself as I step outside of who I am, to look at all of me and hand my trauma the key for next time.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

It’s a nice idea, but it doesn’t exist: reply| 19.3.19

I want you to think about this for a moment, think about it the same way you hold yourself, after you having given yourself permission, the same way you crave your own attention, I want to you to think about how you let something so untrue into our being when there are words like humility, trust, like honesty like dreams, words that had no meaning until you assigned it its divine correlation, how often you smack your mouth in the name of words like healing, words that had no specifics until they aligned with your intentions until you found its meaning, how careless are we enough to believe things if not for who we are, for ourselves first, can we not seek this much, I hear this statement so often and I wonder about the love they have in them first, the dreams they have given life, I remember moments like the milestones we take deep breaths after, how close we are to achieving something we have manifested for so long, how good this feeling is, that it is both real and out of this world, when we mention words like love and someone else why is it so hard to see, I mean like we tell ourselves it doesn’t exist when we are seeing it come to life in so many people, we must understand outcomes like timing and love, see its attention to detail and notice its perks, who says these words know the bitter taste it leaves in its mouth, between clenched teeth, has been here before, is both unrequited and swear to leave this feeling alone, to never know about its meaning, when we question words like love in all forms we are confirming notion of its opposites, we are denying facts based on heartbeats, on a changing person, we are allowed to change, we are allowed to heal and move, love is not conforming it does not have strict synonyms it will eat the alphabet alive then rearrange its meaning just for you, be careful with perception, the mind is both the truth and a liar, your heart is both armor and silly, trust in your intuition, be honest with your body, you’re coming out of a closed state this way too, lean in to learn yourself to choose love over its definition too, can you hear me okay back there too.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Unfinished sanity.

An obituary, a proclaiming of myself its desires and teeth, over spilled secrets to the body we are the careless mischievous twins our childhood warned us about, this soul has been hidden too long, kept sacred sake from the mad hatter of this world didn’t see all the chaotic mismatched tones, our reflection has been undone, kissed away broken, I have allowed the attempted red carpet stained skin blushed shy of my blood welcomed love back into this being first, when you teach your body how to brake and rise each time you’re forced into your own chaos and to remember this healing, you’re rise from it all, a careful dreamer with black magic, kink royalty of unlearning and learning the mind, it has always been you and the mind, never the other way around, becoming is not new you’re the calm in it all heard time and time again over all the doubtful noise, your capacity was never the enemy, we glory preceptor to exist in this body together, harmonies our animate, create art from its process how many more can hear this type of healing too, we are the unlearned insomniacs with life lines that challenge realities, what it means to be this light and to bring us to the red table too, our fight been called down upon too long, those who underestimate the anarchy of the mind have not seen its true form, don’t know the strength it takes to at ease this mind when bad days become uncontrollably unpredictable and after your blood, we are the survivors of the past 27’s, the melodramatic panic manics that don’t know sleep, creativity rise wake with the sun and dawn the moon, we’re in constant rotation of solutions and impossible possibles there are no boundaries to this chaotic healing, when love, is attached to its meaning, we’re the cliché unstoppable, how many more rise to this reality and are able to call self survive of this captive psyche.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

I gentley pick up the rest of what my depression has left of my body off my bedroom floor and tuck her into bed, I’ve been writing in code as long as I can remember for those who know the conversation, for those who are blessed with a mind that doesn’t know how to quieten down for themselves but for others, we know so well how the body likes to talk in cryptic behaviour, to see who is worth it, this is a silent prayer to the rain and to beloved kin, there are no words when I mumble these two loves, depression’s favourite 5 letter word each time, sorry, I’m the fire child with rain tendencies scared hiding from giving voice the things that still make me feel like I could sleep forever, how else are we allowed to communicate when we get lost in our body this way, when I find the fewer words to confront kin it becomes more than a one way conversation, in my mind I say, when I give up my pride to talk about a healing state I mean I am also giving me time, when I breathe in and out this way I am learning what it means to be myself and not my illness, when I lose touch of the the world around me and people it means I am in desperate need of myself so I will disappear into my own galaxy, sorry, I am learning not to apologise for my healing sorry, when I come back to you, I will not want to relive the trouma, in advance I want you to know, I am here, I see you, I am healing, self has been in need of my three super powers and you’re my last destiny.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

I had someone who asked me to bare my truth for them in the south, so I read them my poetry, they listened, looked at me and asked why my words feel so sad, I could cry the amount of fight I give my narrative isn’t always this depressing I proclaim my innocence feeling my voice disappear at the very pit of my throat how was I meant to tell a starnger these kinds of truths are hidden meanings of how I survive, I’ve always been scared away from bad first impressions and how we first show love physically, my kin tell me biography of love, I tell them, this is exactly how it should be held and we fall in love all over again, see, when the heart is loved backwords it catches up clearly to the mind, gestrures and glances are not so overseen as heartbeats may think, we women of both rain and fire are a parade of intuition you will attempt to ghost wrongs can’t help put in check the smoke that has been done, cupid can have this cloute too, we women are blessed with sight that could split you two even halfs of each attempt you chose I gave you a chance, my silence for the truth, your silence for my freedom how does it feel you choose your sugar cane once, twice dare three times, a vision has never been such a clear momentum we’re soft worriors survivours of heartbeats when we become sweet for you enough to cavity us both, be careful with her boasting crown, she can very quickly choose you not even a memory, forgotten, like you did not exist in her path to begin there are no more suicides left in vain of your name, let this be truth for loyalty you never really wanted her you chasing sight and whip lashed necks of other crowns while she was searching for your hand, she was right there, take note, just because I do not speak everything I see, how careless, you’ve lost to a silent mind

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

asleep.

What happens to the body when you’re emotionally invested in yourself, you’re a sleep walking wake from assumption of how this mentality operates and its been years now who’s counting anymore, I think about ways to brutally grow, then I overthink its outcome, always, something that feels like its right, a place for your heart your mind to rest sometimes, caught sloppy on high ceilings in so much of what is real and what isn’t, this is not to confess that you’ve lost touch of reality, it is to assure you that you have been able to do both, I used to think I only had one touch but I’m quickly realizing all of these self proclaimed one gift is a false limitation, my lack of creativity has been circling my inner universe its exhausting, this is where affirmations are made, spending time with your mental is a portal to an impatient part of not only who you are but what you could become, self-teaching to understand why your heart feels so strongly about love and who you dare let close is a crucial act of selflessness, admitting to your eyes that what you saw was real and listening to its truth because we live in a world where our eyes are not always seen as the truth or the norm so we’ve been taught to see no evil, my body is heavier than I have given it reason, sleepless nights that feel the warmth of the sun rising is both a beautiful capture and an exhausting reality is both a blessing and a demise, I feel so strongly about things that I could cry all the waters, its exactly as dramatic as it sounds I wouldn’t lie about with my bodies worth, there is always flames brewing here, this is just one way to hero my chaos

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.6.18 \ kissing.

Kiss, I can be nice and I can be casanova, I’ve learnt so well what it means to romance hearts and never exhaust melody of being animate, kiss me and tassle your words tightley enough around my neck wrap your hands with mine, please; and melt me with your rare, kiss, I get bored easily so be careful with my heart, it is bored to death with all the lies and split hearts of ghost words with no erotics, kiss me again, I am warned by her’s and him but I could not warn you enough about me, I’ll giggle into your ear whisk my tongue down your lips to your neck you have been warned about how I get my ways, it’s just one allure after another, bite you back and create fantasy right before your eyes, hands tied behind your back, I am not afraid to show you how much I love, when you love me too-, love you.

Article #4: What do you do in situations that break the body? Infj-p self help perspective.

I’m so scared right now. You know when you know that the things that you know just aren’t going to happen to you, and you are sure that these things can not and will not happen to people like you forgetting you’re not the only loyal, honest, thoughtful, respectful person walking this life time regardless of how few. Yea.

Today (third day now) has been rough in terms of love, mental health and overall health. I like to think of myself as someone who is not so terrible in these situations and all I need is proactive advice, space, and time for myself. Let me explain.

When I found out this situation happened to me like most it was an immediate flash of disbelieve and there must be another reason. This narrative is honestly just a semi calculated breather of what I do and did with situations that I feel make me struggle with reasonable response, solution and over all well-being.

So the first thing I want do to when I notice something is wrong is of two things. One, listen to my body and two, seek the professional help needed. It’s so easy in our generation nowadays to Google a self research in these situations, and don’t get me wrong you’re being proactive for your body and that’s a healthy trait. However, it’s when you start to settle for this kind of help is when it becomes unhealthy. Remember, the internet will always be a black hole ambiguous answer engine, when even from the begin, you are unsure about what your body is trying to communicate with you. So be mindful to listen to your body, and seek professional attention.

The second urgency for me after I’ve listened to my body and seeked professional help, is to have some space. This could mean either having some one I love and trust wholeheartedly to talk to, to wanting my own personal space for my mental health to come to terms with the situation. I honestly switch up between the two interms of order because that’s what helps me the most, considering I’m a fairly private person. Just to sum up the second point, communication with some one you love and trust as well as what will personally help you whether it be time alone, or even speaking to your psychologist. This part is customizable, it’s acting as a segway for you to a healthy alternative reliever.

Then the final thing for me personally after I’ve done all these steps in order, is connect with myself in a loving way. You may know this more clearly as self love and self care. The reason why I put this under these two definitions is because it’s so easy when we are in an unfamiliar situation and head space to start to look at the situation in ways that are damaging to our self love and care; And these head spaces are very dangerous to the body in three parts. One your mind, two your body, and three your core. When I say core I’m stressing characteristics that are important to you and help shape who you are like core values, core beliefs and/or faith and more. For me alone time means to rekindle and remind myself the importance of worth, love, and care. I take time to help the love and care for myself as infinitely as I am able by acknowledging I am in no way perfect, that this is another pivotal learning stage in my life and that it will continue to shape me into a more kinder and diligent person. Not only for myself, but also for people whom I care about the most too. Because I understand I love to also help others find these types of life lessons too, as well as what’s the point of knowledge, if you can’t share it. Also I’m learning over all health also means internal health, being mindful of what I choose to put into my body without being too harsh on it’s soul.

Just to beautifully some up this breather. One, listen to your body and seek professional attention, two, take time in your own way everybody is talented different and lastly. Self love and self care is so important do not ever take yourself for granted. YOU IS SMART! YOU IS KIND AND MOST OF ALL YOU IS LOYAL!!! You’re only human so be gentle with your body, and remember perfection is unattainable and does not exist, because to us all perfection is an indifferent perspective and as good of a stereotypical statemeant and/or judgement as “good choices in society’s standards.” I’ll let that sink in.

“Thank you for reading.” _fh

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.4.18
you’re a bit alike you and the sky.

I want to be a lyricist, like I want a love like Kanye, and yo, I wanna be able to be the best dare in life for those cut tongue like connecting unspoken poems, the mind dipped in poison type’a shit, mood like ink to paper, like red, like cells, like what are you made of, like dreams, and listen, I’m not too good at this, I get side tracked exaggerations that always lead with timeless imagination then I get lost, like so lost that I can’t even find me, and you know I also want to make a tempo, that unfair unfamiliar beat that makes your mind want to swallow the body whole, about how we shift this life on its back, how god maneuvers, like what are the variables of our bodies existence to its potential and maybe unlimited to limited, or limited to unlimited you know, this is random, but I mean think about it, if I put you in front of a child would you be able to raise it well, like are you scared of raising it well, like are you scared of raising yourself well, get me, here me out, this wake got me feeling like some type of crazy, side track, I like the way I make them feel like they can’t, like they can, like baby you think you know what I got for you like nah you put it away, all this intuition and complicated I don’t think you can handle me, I have the skill of a shooting star in my palms, palatable I swear, and my friends, yo my friends are they type to become kin with the sky they are one of the loudest happiness I know, if you ever wanna know what it feels like, listen to some J.Cole, Aaliyah, Kanye, some Badu and Kojay, Goldlink, Mike Jenkins, Tupac smoke it all, breathe that shit in cause you know how much truth and water we need in this life, you know I’m also the type of bitch that lights shit on fire too, like, I like to tell people things they are scared of like the truth, like I love you, like mental health is fucking hard, like you lying to yourself too much, like I make good choices, like why are we so scared to talk about what makes us befriend the ocean the way we talk about what makes us palatable, like why are we so lost in our 20’s, 30’s, seems like forever, might be something in the way our body panics or exists, I dunno I’m still lost, maybe something about the way the sky looks at us, like we ain’t shit, like we might actually be the shit, I mean listen, you’re a bit alike, you and the sky.