Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.6.18 |14.6.18| “..i love you too..” playing with heartbeats. warning.

Stop it, you’re looking for love in all the wrong feelings, when the world has tested your patience enough take it as a lesson, do not dwell on its proof rather whip lash it compassion that you have been searching for love in all the wrong places, let your body correct you enough so you can see that these beloveds are not for the faint hearted, allow yourself time you have bruised your heart before and guessed the mind games its enough now, listen to what your body is saying, softly place your right hand on your heart be curious about its teachings this being has shown you a lot of its masks to the wrong kinds of hearts, you know exactly the kind of passion, the ones that like to ghost into mysterious and miss a good thing only to come back wishing at the hearts attempt, you’re not attentive to this body, the other day and time again you have watched heartbeats say they love hearts as you have teased its truth, this snake bite is not for the faint, you listened as they tore at the worth of I love you too attendant their hands are the habit at your hips, this is not new for them, you look at him and wonder what he thinks of as nice, want to score him with its consequences, want to yell at his shameful hands when you privilege love pretended to know its true definition is to beat it into and out your mouth, love is not flowers, its more than hope, you’re not to hope in flowers, nice for what, you point blades at their throat reminding them again to have been warned into this heart, you know exactly what it means to love, wishing you could grab nice by the heart look yourself in their eyes a fire burning through your body and into theirs smile at its reflection and say, I know what love looks like, because I know where it begins first-, do not tarnish and leave hearts broken in trails of your insecurities just because you do not understand its complexities peoples hearts are not for you to need to want and discard like empty shells this is a warning to you, next time, I won’t be so gentle, watch your breath suffocate around my existence-, you have been warned.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13.6.18 | 14.6.18 | Dazzzzed (no flowers here..)

I tag on his pride and he drops to my mouth, I pick him up with my lips make way for his hands tell him I don’t like it slow, want something I can brag about, he takes my hands puts them behind my back tells me he will make sweet melody with my voice I can’t help bite my bottom lip look into his eyes and smile up at him, I tell him fine, and warn him I’m an expert when it comes to the right domineer, warn him again that I can also be an expert just for him, he looks at me trailing my sides until he reaches the soft tail of my back pulls me in and says, I have a bad habit when it comes to hearts like yours, I respond likewise as he wraps his hand around my neck warning me about his presence I can tell by the look in his eyes he is intrigued, he asks me about the undeserving I have allowed into my body commanding he is not like the rest of these heartbeats, I laugh and ask him to stop lying, say he has a lot to prove and words that sing in flowers are not the kind of song you’re after, he tightens his strength around my neck I grab his hand dazed he smirks and says, I am not like the rest of these hopes, I am sharpening my words enough to ignite you the way you like and pay attention to your body, give me everything you breathe in, I don’t like sharing inner beauty of the mind, don’t make me say this again, I taste my lips and say, how long did it take you to practice these kinds of spells I too I’m not hope, you should watch the way you use such honey then I push at his hand, and ask him to tighten his grip he dosesn’t, he tags my purple hair kisses me without missing a beat and says, I don’t like being told what to do there is no truth in my being that way, plus, were’t you curious about my touch, told you I can give you both love and ecstasy, I rest both my hands on his grip look at him and say, chock me harder, please-, soft fire dream.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.6.18 \ the L word

I am witness that nothing can prepare to compare when you kiss someone who has learnt to steal your heart charmingly, hands that notice the hiding spaces you quiet down next to them, breathe at the same time to open your world for the L word with your fingertips reaching into their heart and mind, guide them carefully, warn them this wonderland utpoia has been a paralysis of heaven even without their love first, they are the first to be welcomed, you warn them a second time reminding them how this body is selfish when it comes to my love so you tightly hold their hand saying be careful, tell them to speak in trailingual, flowers, speak in the rain and dreams, your secrets are my secrets too now, answer, I have fated us both, choose a kingdom, you kiss them gentley whispering, I’ll be waiting for you right here, so come to find me

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.6.18 \ kissing.

Kiss, I can be nice and I can be casanova, I’ve learnt so well what it means to romance hearts and never exhaust melody of being animate, kiss me and tassle your words tightley enough around my neck wrap your hands with mine, please; and melt me with your rare, kiss, I get bored easily so be careful with my heart, it is bored to death with all the lies and split hearts of ghost words with no erotics, kiss me again, I am warned by her’s and him but I could not warn you enough about me, I’ll giggle into your ear whisk my tongue down your lips to your neck you have been warned about how I get my ways, it’s just one allure after another, bite you back and create fantasy right before your eyes, hands tied behind your back, I am not afraid to show you how much I love, when you love me too-, love you.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

6.5.18 | mapenzi wangu

Come and find me, I like being lost too often it settles the body and rest assures the mind, it has learnt and unlearnt a lot of life, introverted behavior is an abyss of the sky and a melting pot of what ever the mind is capable of, and this illness is a drowing thing that has attacthed itself to me and called it mapenzi wangu, when we sometimes feel lost we are actually learning to be found internally which is why we say we are disconnected this way to the world in the first place, my friends are my reality oasis for the most part, when I hit this close to home I start to see people I reconnect with and kin to family they are my all important parts of my heart I cannot easily let go which means I also want to get close too or too close, unfortunately, I find it hard to let people into my world and I’m convinced that maybe they start to feel disconnected and tricked with me, when these kinds of worlds clash I try to explain to them my abrupt magic tricks and that loving them are the parts of myself that make me feel the most sane, I hope that they do not fall out of love with me, I want to let them see that sometimes I get 10g or more away and they are the ones who bring me back most of the time, I hope they don’t give up on me, when they ask if I’m okay or how I’ve been I can only manage to say words that won’t make them worry, there is so much and not enough of myself for me to help them understand the things about this breath that I’m not already trying to abrakadabra for myself,- ni angalia mimi, ona hapa, maisha hii hapa ni yangu sitaki kubadilisha, nataka kuendelea kama hii hapa nimejifunzia kuamini na kupenda yangu hapa pia,- look at me, see here, this life here is mine, I do not want to change it, I want to continue like this here I’ve learned to believe and love me here too, mapenzi wangu.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

24.4.18
you’re a bit alike you and the sky.

I want to be a lyricist, like I want a love like Kanye, and yo, I wanna be able to be the best dare in life for those cut tongue like connecting unspoken poems, the mind dipped in poison type’a shit, mood like ink to paper, like red, like cells, like what are you made of, like dreams, and listen, I’m not too good at this, I get side tracked exaggerations that always lead with timeless imagination then I get lost, like so lost that I can’t even find me, and you know I also want to make a tempo, that unfair unfamiliar beat that makes your mind want to swallow the body whole, about how we shift this life on its back, how god maneuvers, like what are the variables of our bodies existence to its potential and maybe unlimited to limited, or limited to unlimited you know, this is random, but I mean think about it, if I put you in front of a child would you be able to raise it well, like are you scared of raising it well, like are you scared of raising yourself well, get me, here me out, this wake got me feeling like some type of crazy, side track, I like the way I make them feel like they can’t, like they can, like baby you think you know what I got for you like nah you put it away, all this intuition and complicated I don’t think you can handle me, I have the skill of a shooting star in my palms, palatable I swear, and my friends, yo my friends are they type to become kin with the sky they are one of the loudest happiness I know, if you ever wanna know what it feels like, listen to some J.Cole, Aaliyah, Kanye, some Badu and Kojay, Goldlink, Mike Jenkins, Tupac smoke it all, breathe that shit in cause you know how much truth and water we need in this life, you know I’m also the type of bitch that lights shit on fire too, like, I like to tell people things they are scared of like the truth, like I love you, like mental health is fucking hard, like you lying to yourself too much, like I make good choices, like why are we so scared to talk about what makes us befriend the ocean the way we talk about what makes us palatable, like why are we so lost in our 20’s, 30’s, seems like forever, might be something in the way our body panics or exists, I dunno I’m still lost, maybe something about the way the sky looks at us, like we ain’t shit, like we might actually be the shit, I mean listen, you’re a bit alike, you and the sky.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

11.4.18 | 12.4.18
Unfinished

I know, but what if I was told that dreams are a reality, what if I didn’t watch others and watched myself, I know, what if I gave myself the same connection I crave for others to this healing body, this good body, what if I told the mind all my secrets and the heart joined in, or if I didn’t have to take medication, what if I understood just how important my mental health is, back then, now, I know, what about this body, what if I praised its reflection instead of giving it reasons to apologize, I know, I know but hear me out what if, I didn’t know what it felt like to want to watch myself tear a good thing away from this identity like it was this ugly thing I had mistaken for a flaw, like I knew how to crack this skin, brake my body open so it might have been easier for the pain to drain out of this body, I know, I know what you’re thinking, but what if I didn’t know how to fix me, what if I did, what if I told myself I’ve tried and that therapy isn’t working anymore and this medication is making me feel worse, and that my body has started aching again and all I want to do is sleep away this lifetime, forever, I know, but what if I told you I’m in love with this body, that every time the heart brakes its the first one to run to it rescue with chocolates and pep talks, that the mind has also learnt to kiss the heart in need, that slowly, we are learning to love from the inside, we are learning that to be whole is to bruise and ache so we know what we are worth, that we are always this worthy, that we suffer from this type of craving, to reach the most of ourselves, I know, I know what you’re thinking but what if I told you..

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

30.03.17
Do you see it..(username)

When I feel the strain of how he has my heart, I think, so this is what it really feels like to desire as though your heart could, escape the body, I think this is what it must feel like to, be high, off love, the type to keep you wake, the kind that knows how each, beat, is as tempting as each thought, n how all you can do is dream, daydream about the delicate way their hands, tightly fit into yours, is what it feels like, to recognize heart beats, to sync yourself with its tunes that, its more than a pacing deception but, the, intense allure of both body n mind, the mind, its seduction, flirtation in its most vulnerable confidence, you watch, no temptress here this, is, what it super powers to know about the bodies secrets, how it will never let go, this feeling, must mean it will never leave, the way it thrives to its loyalty, mime the base of loves curves, do you feel it, how it will overwhelm this kind of love, tell me, do you see it now

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

17/4/16 – 18/4/16
A letter to my younger self
I don’t even know where to start, which wound to apologize for, will never forgot the tears that up to this day will never stop, if there was one thing I had to apologize for first, it would be for up to this day about the way you feel about yourself, that even when you were younger told nobody about your scars, that I was always there with you, for you, I told you I would never leave you, even that day when you fought with her again n you went downstairs feeling so much, you couldn’t tell which emotion came first, you took the biggest table knife you could find in the kitchen drawer, put your arm out, made sure your eyes were ready, took the knife helping it find its way over your bare skin, you were only 12, this is what you wanted her to understand, even though it didn’t make sense to anybody but yourself, you tried to make her look as you cried for all you insecurities, your broken body, the pain, the emotion that you didn’t understand, you tried to make her feel what you felt but she didn’t understand even when that knife scrapped your bare skin several times, she never looked back, she never tried to look back, it was at that moment you felt that she didn’t care, that it wouldn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care if your blood found its way to the floor, a puddle of emotion, when I think about how when you were little you tried to make sense of so many things, but nothing was working, nothing felt the way it suppose to, there so many things to apologize for n I’m sorry about them, I’m sorry that even up to this day you still cry every single night, I’m sorry that even though you smile its not enough to fix the emotional anxiety, anxiety, something you can’t stop doing, I’m sorry that there’s nothing to really be appreciative of, all I can say is that at least now, I’m getting help, I’m trying so hard to be better for you, I made a promise to myself to be happy, to try n be positive, its all so hard even now, but I’m thankful I’m here today, I just want to make us happy, make these feelings stop, I want us to move forward, to be happy, so I’m getting help for the both of us

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

9/4/16 – 10/4/16
Its not always what it seems

Once again I’m feeling too much, caring too much, hurting too, been hurting way too much, miscounting all the excuses, not excuses, feelings, miscounting the amount of time I’ve been feeling, something like complicated, like my body is tired, like my mouth doesn’t have anymore left to say, like my mind is thinking too much, overthinking too much, I can’t just do anything anymore without thinking, overthinking, I think its starting to be become a problem, we all have something that we do too much, that it starts to become something we can’t stop noticing, realize, its all just too much, lately, I’ve been doing things I don’t usual do, then regret them even more than the first time, just to see if they were really the wrong thing, but lately it’s been happening too often, I don’t want to do anything that will harm this soul, that will cause it be be this hard, this closed, this silenced, I want to change, I’m starting to think that I should probably get these feelings figured out, I want someone to talk to, someone I can tell these things without feeling like a part of me is saying, what do you think your doing, showing all your insecurities, baring so much to someone, anyone, don’t do this, you’ll regret telling them, even though you can trust them you don’t trust yourself, but I just want someone to listen, someone to tell me its all going to be okay, that this will get better, that there is nothing wrong with the way your thinking, you’ll be okay, I don’t want anyone to tell me how I should feel, how they think it should feel, how they feel, I just want someone to listen, I want them to make a note of it so they can come up with the answers, because I’ve been trying to solve this all on my own, and I can’t help but feel broken, the internal cracks they’ve left are too much to handle, too much to comprehend, its all just too much, I need someone to help me understand this all, I just want someone to talk to, someone who truly understands, acknowledge, that its hard, that I’m trying my best, that I’m worth all the effort, that I can love myself, and be loved back, that love can be reciprocate, that love is something beautiful, that it doesn’t always tare you down, building walls, bridges, barriers, but will make you better, will be emotionally worth the pain, that just because there’s pain I shouldn’t give up, I feel better now, I’m the only one left that I can talk to, I’m trying to fix the me that I think is broken so much, but its been so long, the tools god has given me are failing at my bare hands, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve had enough, of feeling like I don’t want to live like this anymore, I’m scared of telling the doctor, because I don’t want them to think that I’m making this up, that its all in my head, that its nothing, but when your feeling this way, nothing makes any sense, so you’ll tell the doctor the truth, that this is your truth, that your not lying, that every time you feel like this nothing else matters, its as though the earth has broken in two, and your the only one left to deal with the wreckage, this is what if feels like, this is your reality, you’ll tell the doctor that you don’t want to be broken anymore, that you want to be fixed, you’ll look at them with your hands in soft fists, take a short breath and say, I’ve got no where else to go, no one left to turn to, you want to get better, so you’ll bite your lip, close you eyes and repeat, please fix me, I want to get better for myself, and open your eyes