Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

28.5.17 – 29.5.17
Note to self: love can lie

Note to self, doesn’t care, only hears voices that speak with dipped in poison split tongues, you were warned, by body, eyes, narration marathons in the form of false actions, disillusioned, told you to watch out for mishaps in the blank spaces that don’t match motion, too loud, what we’re you looking at, looking for, imagine the strength is has taken for body to watch the heart break at so many double edged knifes, the body spoke with shards of glass tip pointed to the heart wept and called the heart a coward for not letting go of what will hurt this body reminding the heart that it beats to unseen too often blurred lines and broken truths, weak, the body begged to not be taken for granted too harshly, that you’re both soft and honest and that is the perfect bate for sharks that swim this close to the shore, you’re to choose you, never forget that praying for the hearts guidance in both compassion and care the body is both heal and hero, don’t know no in between catharsis this is strength that has been learnt and undone from unlearning masks before it allows them to be seen of too soft, pretty first

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Mood: “…prompt, probe at this like it was an infectious demise, unsure unsteady, hearts beats, his heart beat matched to your mood, his super power, not easily seen very, confused, mislead, calculated I want, their heart beat, can only give what is in my bodies gauge, I am not allowed to give more than this body has demanded, mood, love lies, sometimes, at ease, health fix, health, mental, mentality, heart beats, he doesn’t know how capable of you yet, willing to give your heart beat to show how much you care, his words are sweet perfection in this body, playful remedy to this mind, I want him.”

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

17.04.17

Innocence: “..not weak, submissive shy, kind n gentle, all this, n much more, I miss the days where I could hear carefree whispered into the winter breeze, when spring bloomed with hope, sharing all our secrets to mother earth n, choosing to indulge ourselves in her beauty, I missed this, I missed being able to not give so much thought to dreams, enough to give it pardon free it’s possibilities n, not be scared of its what if’s wanted to be, the one who proves that dreams are worth never letting go that, when you feel defeated by it’s impossible alure this is, why its important to illustrate why you dream in the first place, being a dreamer n having a dream are two different innocences, dreamers are forever mesmerized by reason, for reaching the sky n, asking why the stars they see shine so bright, it’s finding answers when you have been told impossible, dream is, as simple as what you want it to be, I miss the days we talked about how fast we could glimce innocence in truth, rather bind to its opposite trait, not enough innocence, there’s, too much malice that fumbles without our own optimism, it blinding, catch this meditation, n…”

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

16.04.17 | 17.04.17

Struggling with reality: “..being forced to come to terms with being grown has a lot of constraints to its noose, they aren’t always the black jacks that fill your conciouness with clarity, with truth, being forced to realise that even though you yourself as a being have to choose some demise in order to grow, in order to change, back home, you’re selflove, you can only realise what reality you have as you watch it disappear before you desperately reach out your hands fast enough to catch its pace n allow it, watch it shatter into micro shooting stars, the way commanding wish to a content struggling reality, is it a combination of your worst fears, emotions, rainbows to fill in this mood, this grow, how do you grow without struggling in reality, pain manefests n changes people more than we would like to admit, it resonates penetrating so deep into our stream of consciousness until it awakes, until we’re comfortable with change, until…”

Poetry: Melody of being Animate

21.03.17 | 22.03.17
Fail..Failure..(confront this scheme..) (clinical d__ression+anxiety..)

“..I have always known it, never admit it always gave it an excuse, never gave it closer, it kept coming back didn’t know the difference between its narrative n how it affected this body daily, kept so many secrets away from me like it was trying to teach me a lesson that had no malice, clicked its tongue in my name n spoke of how much better it rang, kept telling me you’re not capable of dreaming that far you’re ill, your mind is constantly playing tricks on you, you don’t understand the way this body functions yet, excuse excuses excuses, a daily habit, basis started to take a toll when it got me, never liked the way it always chose to show its teeth before its mutilated words, thought it was so fitting that now it has excuses to its characters, don’t like the way it had claimed a broken leg, the way its thrown healing out of its excuses, its frustrating narrating to yourself every time it scheme’s, mindful about this bodies narrative never its enemies, will always choose to show its teeth doesn’t understand that loyalties s is not a solution its a demise, can it not see its bias, I’m starting to feel old habits, starting to notice them surfacing scared that self help is not enough, unsure about what this all really means for this body, for me now, unsure if I am showing healing enough gratitude, can feel my body braking from the inside, still no answers, no time span, there’s nothing to help me mend its broken for now, Im starting to feel cracks, it had only been three days ago, I stopped feeling its strain not long until I am unable again, can still feel its teeth sharpening each minute, closer each day, the mind is colonized, the heart is held captive to its fear, the body is constantly anxious about its next move, there’s no where to go when you’re trying to out ran your own..”

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

19.03.17
Fitting..(dreaming about tomorrow)

I’m happy dreaming, happily fulfilling my dreams is something that was not always there, had been searching for it a long while back, thinking about what it meant to exist with no purpose, how do we fulfill n continue to exist without a purpose, dreaming allows for both, it hands down creativity, self worth in the form of goals, n self love in dreaming reality, when you hear voices that echo n dismiss its magic I want you to remember, they have not yet understood their powers, there is something so beautiful about how unique we all choose to exist with purpose, if you ask dreamers to use the alphabet to convey what it means to dream, they’ll tell you something that goes like this, they’ll be humble n wisdom something like this, be happy with what you have while working for what you want its like a dream, they’ll say to you there is no feeling that can come close to knowing your self worth when you have found solitude in dreaming about what you’re capable of wanting

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

12.03.17
Depression, is an illness, not a weakness

Forgive me, sometimes Im not sure where to begin when it comes to understanding the way this works, I have given you so much of myself yet it doesn’t seem enough, is it really that hard to understand something that has been with you for this long, do you remember the feeling of how it felt when these souls left the body, are we on the same weakness forgive me, illness, this isn’t a cry for help, its an affirmation of this n so much more, its a resolution to this demise, at ease of this body, care to explain where this is all coming from, not understating the melody to its tunes, the lyrics to its song, but do you remember the beats, a meditation that is as distracting as this weakness, sorry, forgive me, illness sometimes I get the two confused, see, when you have been this weak, sorry, ill its hard to separate these two words from their conjoined sympathy, breathe, trigger words sound a lot like self care when it comes to the beat of this heart, the rhythm of this body to this mind the two souls its song been sang long before they knew its demise, memorize its lyrics to the right kind of melody, this song sings its anthem like it was the last calling for its demise, demise is another word for interchangeable, easily consumed, digest its ugly n regurgitate back its unwanted, this is self care in its purest form, pretty has always seen this ugly to allow this pretty, they won’t understand your narrative, if they they knew what ills, how it ills this mind this long, this whole time, they’ll call you mad, mental, won’t understand the way it has formed you into this beauty, catastrophically beautiful, the ones you can’t see just from looking, depression has this horrible way of teaching this body about its self in the most gut wrenching behavior, will never tell you what it is up to, likes surprises more than it can ever care to admit, n you have to choose to sit with its disrespectful beautiful until you fully become capable of what each miner unpleasant meant, comprehend its emotion, rearrange its narrative so there are no clear bias’s, n once again sit, n sit, with its uncomfortable until it passes, depression has a beautiful way of teaching this body about self, it manipulates the bad to be your shield n the good to be your conscious decision to always choose its demise, depression is an illness, it is never a weakness

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

17/4/16 – 18/4/16
A letter to my younger self
I don’t even know where to start, which wound to apologize for, will never forgot the tears that up to this day will never stop, if there was one thing I had to apologize for first, it would be for up to this day about the way you feel about yourself, that even when you were younger told nobody about your scars, that I was always there with you, for you, I told you I would never leave you, even that day when you foughtΒ with her again n you went downstairs feeling so much, you couldn’t tell which emotion came first, you took the biggest table knife you could find in the kitchen drawer, put your arm out, made sure your eyes were ready, took the knife helping it find its way over your bare skin, you were only 12, this is what you wanted her to understand, even though it didn’t make sense to anybody but yourself, you tried to make her look as you cried for all you insecurities, your broken body, the pain, the emotion that you didn’t understand, you tried to make her feel what you felt but she didn’t understand even when that knife scrapped your bare skin several times, she never looked back, she never tried to look back, it was at that moment you felt that she didn’t care, that it wouldn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care if your blood found its way to the floor, a puddle of emotion, when I think about how when you were little you tried to make sense of so many things, but nothing was working, nothing felt the way it suppose to, there so many things to apologize for n I’m sorry about them, I’m sorry that even up to this day you still cry every single night, I’m sorry that even though you smile its not enough to fix the emotional anxiety, anxiety, something you can’t stop doing, I’m sorry that there’s nothing to really be appreciative of, all I can say is that at least now, I’m getting help, I’m trying so hard to be better for you, I made a promise to myself to be happy, to try n be positive, its all so hard even now, but I’m thankful I’m here today, I just want to make us happy, make these feelings stop, I want us to move forward, to be happy, so I’m getting help for the both of us

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

9/4/16 – 10/4/16
Its not always what it seems

Once again I’m feeling too much, caring too much, hurting too, been hurting way too much, miscounting all the excuses, not excuses, feelings, miscounting the amount of time I’ve been feeling, something like complicated, like my body is tired, like my mouth doesn’t have anymore left to say, like my mind is thinking too much, overthinking too much, I can’t just do anything anymore without thinking, overthinking, I think its starting to be become a problem, we all have something that we do too much, that it starts to become something we can’t stop noticing, realize, its all just too much, lately, I’ve been doing things I don’t usual do, then regret them even more than the first time, just to see if they were really the wrong thing, but lately it’s been happening too often, I don’t want to do anything that will harm this soul, that will cause it be be this hard, this closed, this silenced, I want to change, I’m starting to think that I should probably get these feelings figured out, I want someone to talk to, someone I can tell these things without feeling like a part of me is saying, what do you think your doing, showing all your insecurities, baring so much to someone, anyone, don’t do this, you’ll regret telling them, even though you can trust them you don’t trust yourself, but I just want someone to listen, someone to tell me its all going to be okay, that this will get better, that there is nothing wrong with the way your thinking, you’ll be okay, I don’t want anyone to tell me how I should feel, how they think it should feel, how they feel, I just want someone to listen, I want them to make a note of it so they can come up with the answers, because I’ve been trying to solve this all on my own, and I can’t help but feel broken, the internal cracks they’ve left are too much to handle, too much to comprehend, its all just too much, I need someone to help me understand this all, I just want someone to talk to, someone who truly understands, acknowledge, that its hard, that I’m trying my best, that I’m worth all the effort, that I can love myself, and be loved back, that love can be reciprocate, that love is something beautiful, that it doesn’t always tare you down, building walls, bridges, barriers, but will make you better, will be emotionally worth the pain, that just because there’s pain I shouldn’t give up, I feel better now, I’m the only one left that I can talk to, I’m trying to fix the me that I think is broken so much, but its been so long, the tools god has given me are failing at my bare hands, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve had enough, of feeling like I don’t want to live like this anymore, I’m scared of telling the doctor, because I don’t want them to think that I’m making this up, that its all in my head, that its nothing, but when your feeling this way, nothing makes any sense, so you’ll tell the doctor the truth, that this is your truth, that your not lying, that every time you feel like this nothing else matters, its as though the earth has broken in two, and your the only one left to deal with the wreckage, this is what if feels like, this is your reality, you’ll tell the doctor that you don’t want to be broken anymore, that you want to be fixed, you’ll look at them with your hands in soft fists, take a short breath and say, I’ve got no where else to go, no one left to turn to, you want to get better, so you’ll bite your lip, close you eyes and repeat, please fix me, I want to get better for myself, and open your eyes

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

13/4/16
Don’t disrespect beauty

I read the most disrespectful statement about my sisters, I just wanna let you black men who forgot your place, don’t know that a black body spilled herself for you, least you forgot the skin you wearing, disrespecting what god took time to perfect, how dare you forgot your place, how dare you disrespect like you don’t know that ain’t nobody but this black skin will always have your back, acting like black man n black woman ain’t the same blessed, ain’t the same sweet menlanin we praise, they praise, don’t you forgot your roots boy, don’t forget who brought you on this earth, don’t you forgot the colour god blessed upon your disrespectful self, talking like you worthy of so much she ain’t gave you, capable of carrying all this that society has given women with melanin bright enough, brave enough, strong enough, beautiful enough for you to act like you own, like you have the right to, how dare you, don’t you know disrespect when it assaults your narrative, never forget it is this skin that you are here, so best you know, before you disrespect yourself