I’ve come to realise somethings about myself, things that I knew but didn’t know how to explain, it goes something like this, I look at the world the same way I look at people, opportunities, there is never a right or wrong answer but the flood of mental health and personality, sometimes it feels like war between myself and these things, I think about how anxiety has me in this tight grip, noose so personal all of a sudden, how the few stability in my life can subtly be stolen away by something that wants to need this body like the air we breathe, have come to understand that my mental health is also my worst enemy as well as my first love, how it teaches me about self, and love in the same destructive dysfunctional health, the things I never knew about, how it leaves this body feeling weak, surround this being with such careless yet die-hard words that know so well to break this same body down, when you have things like opportunity its strangely painful to witness your body want to suffocate all the breath it has saved, all at once, your body goes into this alternative mode where you start to overthink things like your ability, like how long can you keep this up, like, can you even do this, like you can’t keep up, like, I know you’ve been doing so well that opportunity felt right, felt like opportunity used to smile at you, it felt almost like happy, but you also know how that word doesn’t belong to this body, you felt like for the first time opportunity was something you can handle, but now, you feel like the air you’re breathing is not meant for you, like crying is not a solution and you refuse to give in to such weakness, you start to fight for opportunity and not yourself, also what will happen when your body and the best opportunity for you right now is starting to feel like its slipping away, like in this kind of reality how many times are we meant to let the body win, how many times can we break this body to win in the present, how do we stay this much of alive and fight for opportunity when our body starts crying for help and you start feeling worthless, like mental health is the enemy when you’ve worked so hard for a kind of opportunity just to harshly surrender and fight your own body and mental health at the same time, how do you win when you don’t understand whats going on, when you start feeling sorry for a familiar body, feel each word make aims at the heart, slowly reminding yourself…
you know, I look at love and I see where their trying to come from, I see their scars right through their words, there’s this vulnerable intimacy just for a moment and they are able to tell the truth, I’ve noticed it a few times, how love likes to take hearts and hold onto them so that they can use it when necessary, I’ve seen it so many times, I’ve felt how they speak about themselves and such narrative is the kind that cuts through skin, the best kind, the honest type, then they use that same narrative to dip yours and their body in poison, how often they lie and think you do not notice don’t remember that you’re both human and instinct, despite this you also allow them to take over this body sometimes because it feels like a different world when skin and kisses are touched in a kind of way, they are just the right amount of dishonest still, they forget that you have done this before, we all know our worth is as much as our truth, so when we lie we can not expect the truth, when we tell the truth we can not always expect the truth back this, is how you also loose love, you’ll fall out of love vigorously, they don’t understand the unpredictable reality such is too much, and you, you like to take others words and ponder their actions, match the words see the way they lied in front of this honest body to them not malaise, a massacre of torn up recycled truth to them just words, and you, you can’t help but laugh now, because again, this has happened too many times, you’ve seen what it means to love a lie, when you’re not ready for its kind of intensity, when you have watched passion in eyes that wreck with false narrative and actions in case you liked hearing lies you’ll witness what it means when the hearts brakes into two even halves, feel it ache throughout the body that had been taken for a fool, think not much of it, it is a gentle intense reminder of worth in feeling, if you were the honest one you will not regret a moment of your words, to know that you were honest with this kind of body is to love harder and know how to love back, this, is so important.
“Three, I look at parts of my heart that are connected to souls who share will, trust, love, inspiration, truth, spring, something so beautiful about friendship how each conversation is the beginning of something so irreplaceable, the ones who we call close to our heart are the ones we can’t see this life without, they are the finer things in life that can not be so carelessly replaced, they have been known in this body well as alive too.”
I woke up this morning to conversations from friends, and as we talked and related I felt my heart really tighten at our conversations. I started thinking about the people who have taught me, inspired me, loved me, fangirled with me, challenged me and more in my 22 years and my close friends came to mind so Akeer, Elenoa, Adrianne, Carina, Tat, Jonas, Wani, and Naome this is for you all and to the many more connections I make.
When I think about my close friends I think isn’t such a blessing to have these people in my life. What I’m really trying to say is, there isn’t just one thing I love about all of you and I guess that is the beauty in it all. I love all of you just the ways you all are, and to me, there isn’t really anything that can quite compare. I appreciate you all in so many different and loving ways, I just hope you all know this.
Also, thank you, I love you.
Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for my close friends.
“Watch this season change, this air has a way about its feel,there’s something so captivating about watching the spring, even the rain has a different chime, a voice so sweet in tune with her melody of being animate, how it overwhelms and beautifully whispers its secrets to the rain, without missing a sound only to notice it raining down on her, this is her birth, her other lover is to watch the colours turn into her favorite kinds of adorn, her will is just as commanding, much more fearless than usual, come, a hidden secret that vines her body, listen well, her mental health isn’t so apparent this season, a well kept secret the way the rain loves her back is untouchable, the mind will come to understand that its moments like these that she breathes, she is all types of care free bliss, only this season can give her flowers.” _hope
“Two, I love the way the rain sounds on my birth season, month, I’m able to believe in flowers each spring, a reminder of hope is what I pray for every spring.”
Gratitude is such a beautiful word to me. When I think about what it means I think about hopeful realities. I think about beats, the rain and wearing what I am feeling. I am a proud believer in this because it also buys me time in my own way.
Today is one of those days. I set out goals, the feeling of being able to get the small things together really gets you out of your own head. You start to feeling “normal” writing something like this makes me happy, remedy was on to something when she said to write when you’re also happy. I woke up feeling good because I had work and once it was done I started to get caught up in my mind, so I wrote some goals down using the Ike app it’s amazing I’m obsessed with it for some bizarre reason. I’ve tried other organizing/plan your day apps and none of them have stuck but this one.
I always feel heaps better doing something that involves me keeping busy regardless of how small and how I feel, I try.
Like for instance today I was feeling a little low after work for no apparent reason and my mental health started kicking in so I got out the app and wrote a few things to grab under goals and urgent was to go to the city and take time for myself because since work I haven’t done that since, and I used to do this pretty often.
I’m here now and I know what I am grateful for today. Also, I’m starving I should probably eat too.
Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for the Ike app.
“One, and I think about my day today and how much it has taken to reach this kind of content, feeling a kind of bliss carefree to an abyss of my own routine, to remember the things that make you happy is to heal, is to finally understand a part of your self that had been lost for so long in this body.”
Remedy said to also write more when you’re happy, so this is me writing more when I’m happy.
Its not even really a poem it’s just an entry, a fluidity of calm and abyss. I am learning that I am more than an anxious over thinker, that my triggers are part of my personality. That I’m still learning my triggers, that to tell the difference between depression and personality is a must, still unable to pick clear triggers because this fear grows, everything makes me anxious and I’m not so sure about its located definition. Still. Today was a good day, its currently over but I’m getting ready for the next, but never the less.
When I think about this, I don’t remember feeling this okay with myself, its been a while, this kind of feeling. Its funny, things that make me feel okay are just that, okay. I never have words for the moments in my life that make it worth it, just ambiguous words without loyalty and I think it comes from the lack of having not felt this okay in a long time. And I mean okay in a truly okay sense, not just as a feeling. If anything I’m surviving today more than I am existing. There’s something so special about life when moments like love, goals, and feeling come together…you know what I mean.
Anyway, in conclusion I am feeling okay today. I went to work (I got a new job and I can’t even explain how over the moon I am about it. I’ve been wanting a job where I simply do my job and nothing else aka customer service been doing that since I got out of high school).
Today I am grateful for: Today I am grateful for my job.
I think as a dreamer type we adore the world from inside of our body, we look at the world as this huge injustice and attempt to do something about it even if that means being consumed by imaginative heroics, we tend to love the time we spend alone doing what we feel like getting lost in our ideal reality to escape actuality, we see the world in so many hues and potential sometimes its hard to deal with, would much rather listen to the rain and beats in a room full of strangers, I like to close my eyes and get lost in a type of feeling that has the ability to soothe a kind of body that knows wars from the inside and compassion for its mental conflict, when I’m this healing I like to think about the people I keep in beat next to my heart and how much love overflows with their name they don’t even know, they wouldn’t dare imagine what kind of secret love I have in high ring into this body for them, will never understand or maybe think too much if they ever dare find out, secrets that are well kept in this body are never told even when love is as much love as rain.
On days like this when I can’t find the right words to explain how I’m feeling, its usually when I’ve spent most of my day with the mind, the body is a plus one and we are all listening to the mind, I can’t quite explain it, its really hard to feel anything when you’re this consumed by the mind, you forget that you’re existing a motion in the present so caught up in the mind you’re only present inside of this gesture, today is one of those days where you’ve provoked a kind of conversation around love, and you can’t help but think, remember how often and easily you’re swayed by others kindness you mistake its moment, but its too late, the heart has already found another capable feeling and you like the way it lights you up, smile at their presence and bite your lip, this is what happy also looks like, the mind is still busy, the body and I are just watching listening from inside of this body, still captivated by a kind of resilience, still unable to match a feeling, I am a messenger in the form of words for the mind, its so complicated to talk this way, this is also a conversation, to disconnect with reality and check in with the way the mind is existing-, I think I like this feeling, of maybe loving someone, it reminds me how much life is really worth, reminds me of how it feels to be alive, witness something so indescribable that it makes it all worth it, recognize as human beings we may not necessarily agree but its essential to gain a kind of human interaction, as human beings we aren’t capable of too much solitude, we gain the most feeling from energy dosing one another, there is no greater solitude than sharing your life with another.
If I had it my way, I would space out as much as I wanted and watched the world so capable in my mind, I see the way we like to deflate and synchronize ourselves to norms in order to society so the pressure is worse, if I had it my way we would touch clouds and say nothing, most kind of heaven created with our dream perfect, aren’t we allowed to be as we are and not be afraid of what is normal, aren’t we allowed to be sick and have no one question this state of mind, if I had it my way I make words like happy, like self-love, like self-care, like mental health, like us, dream perfect, we would look at ourselves and see what keeps us alive, smile silly at the world instead of feeling like we’re existing rather than living, if I had it my way I wouldn’t be clinical, I wouldn’t feel sorry for myself because to go through depression is to criticize what is there whether you see it or not, I don’t like the way we hold back our tears and are scared to befriend the ocean why are we so scared of our emotions, I don’t like the way we’ve learnt so well to hide what we can not control, the way we speak about mental health like it doesn’t exist, that we speak about ourselves in lost dreams and memories, my kind of love are the ones that rest on my hips, and dip into something sweet with love for company, its something like purple rain, I know times are changing its time we all reach out, its like waking up to an untouched day everyday, is watching the people I love create and vine into their kind of content, if I had it my way I would space out as much as I wanted and watched the world so capable with the ones I love and not deflate at what is normal, I would watch myself become hero before my own, and watch how love lights me up as their inspire, this is a learnt fearless dream you can not tame flames that have been ignited this beautifully.
When your body learns to encrypt and put codes into the body to protect yourself from yourself you slowly learn that there has been a death in this body before, watch how close the mind likes to play tricks on the body trying to expert its codes to find release outside of this body, you’ll find this illness is fast between dreaming fable and lost in the present how confusing it much be to not see what is right in front of you, that we like to call these kinds of secrets evil, there has been malaise here for a long time now, we’ve become so familiar to the way it likes to hide so deep into the body make you forget who you are, and your memory is the blink of a second, only to look in the mirror and find traces of your bodies past its parts in the crators of the eyes, deep set skin aging with forgotten and hidden you didn’t know, you’ll look at the lines in your palms touch your skin like its familiar-, remind me of how much I don’t know about self, a being to this body that it is ill, that we have to write this way to bleed out its words, it has always been this way this was the only way since I was 10, can feel how tight it has been to breathe around here, still ashamed of being this kind of unpleasant, its not normal to be like this, talk to the body in second person, we aren’t allowed to be this weak, dreams that can be caught up in the mind are not the same as the types of malaise that are seen, that scar normally, have always been ashamed of being this kind of existing-, afraid that you’re a lie, that this is all just a dream, it has never been about sympathy, but rather empathy for what can not be completely understood.