Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

7.6.19 – 8.6.19 | will you count me in

When asked about my more of blackness I am filled with emotion and blood, can feel my palms get sweaty a me watching their tone to my skin is me remembering that I did not miss any mirrors on the way here, this is a soul that is learning about her body and how it allows to take up all the air in a room, like all the elements of this blue planet done gone blessed her with so much ache, with so much love for what is becoming to be both black and woman, to be this black and woman, I am a black woman that has no shame into her own mind, will bare you her depression type 4 that has taught her how to love when death tries to do us part, be the squeezed hand held so tight calling out to soft hands look here, will count you in mississippi’s like, one mississippi, love yourself first before you love other homes, two mississippi, love how it feels to care for yourself first this world will not apologize for what it has done to you and when you have chosen a path that has reckoning of both identity and love it will be a gentle reminder of who you’re allowing yourself to vine into, it will be a prayer, a kind solitude that needs no reaffirming, a gift for the next gratitude into your home, three mississippi, do not force a you that is still healing, you have yet to unlearn and this is more than okay, in this world it is a must to hear your own voice with your eyes, touch your fingertips and watch your ambiance dance this is anthem enough, is to hear your voice and feel you’re enough, to love my 4c from a generation of royalty, of history and passed down recipes is to love me back harder, is to love this body, is to love me back into this body is to mean to know how to love back harder, so the next time someone asks you about your blackness too, pour them a cup of chai, welcome them into your soul, let them meet everyone at home, let them know this here knows what it means to dedicate a whole day to her 4c, let the guest you welcomed into your home know this here is going to be a while.

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Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

7.6.19 – 6.6.19|my name.

The truth is I thought about this so much, I re wrote it to be perfect when in fact we are nothing but, the truth is when I am asked about where I am from I say black I say Kenya I say Africa and nothing else, sit and watch their mind make me a mistake like I shot gunned so hard like I pulled out that chair so they could fall flat on their ass, like so they know that broken taste sentence be the worst punch line in replacement of who am I, like waking up from a bad dream, the truth is, this question does not intimidate my existence, it ignites my fire and I am watching the question burn alive into my voice I have engulfed its existence full stop, set it alight into the sky told the wind to drag its ashes right through black twitter ready to be asked again full stop, I will not stand here for this I am happy about my blackness so when you fix that mouth with that tone and say things like the n word is derogatory, I am reminded again that you know nothing of what you think your savior dressed skin looks like, the truth is, when I look around me about how my blackness is seen in a room covered by eyes it does not feel good to been seen by these thoughts I mean what I’m saying is passive racism is to be seen by their own thoughts, a savage waste land of my blood my hair dry from all my heat, damaged, I am attempted to set them on fire and this time I choked on my tears, the truth is, when asked about my blackness I say beautiful, I say look how much of my parents, I say love and blackness and enough, and then I say my name too.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Burning Spring Love. (fell from the sky.) | 15.5.19

hey love, kiss me, tell me you can bring down the sky for me, tell me the stars ain’t nothing compared the way I make you feel like without this love there is no other matched to what I am with you. tell me how you found us, tell me all your hidden secrets, tell me you’ll listen to my silence even when its raining, tell me how much you love spring, the way it leaves us to love harder, how talks like this are the best kind of kink, I remember when you asked me what passion was to you, how you could taste it near my lips, how close we are to sparking these flames, nothing like spring in late November, write me away, use your words, tell your fingers to stop misbehaving next to flames this bright, tell me again how you can not leave my burning spring, how you’re not afraid to lose me, how we ache apart enough to close any lost words, sometimes we may burn buildings and ask the spring to leave, the way you understand how I love, how my hands are the place you feel the safest, how my voice is reason for it all, learn me more of your scars, tell me how you keep that voice, how you love so hard, we are both this way, both melting into each other, you don’t agree with me, we fight about how our voices both hold our love, how they cradle something this inherited, how we wind each other up, how we love to hear our love out loud, there’s nothing more dangerous than love.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

19.3.19

You know I get it, we get so caught up into spaces and sometimes its so easy but so hard, like hopelessness is inside our norm I get it, sometimes its a life, there’s something to be said about time when you feel like these outcomes are not matching up to who you are, who you could be, I’ve been there before, where you feel like there is no space for you, you’re are not allowed to do what you want what you need in order to live up to your own truest self and, we get stuck on mindsets that really know how to break down whole bodies, sometimes breathing is not enough and I always secretly hated being told to breathe in and out for every broken part of my whole, it was never a start for me that way, I wanted to look for quick fixes and that was the first time I learned some of my triggers, they are always changing but I have also learnt to give them time, to reflect often into thoughts, I needed time, my own space, away from home, sometimes I ran away from home because it feels all too familiar, I am not one to ever give up this way too, I had made my choice the times I chose myself over everything that yelled at my body, I am untold fire, I am the secret story, I am the story that is still choosing to be written I am my choices of everything I have created of me, so anytime anything comes at my home and wants to break in I am ready with all my pain and love for always choosing to survive the ways in this life too, you can not break down a door that is safety in numbers, there is no one who can tell me otherwise I won’t even dare you, that would be me putting a knife at your soft spots carefully hidden asking you to have a conversation with the secrets you’ve been running in cryptic circles from your own home first, I know, and this is just the beginning.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

It’s a nice idea, but it doesn’t exist: reply| 19.3.19

I want you to think about this for a moment, think about it the same way you hold yourself, after you having given yourself permission, the same way you crave your own attention, I want to you to think about how you let something so untrue into our being when there are words like humility, trust, like honesty like dreams, words that had no meaning until you assigned it its divine correlation, how often you smack your mouth in the name of words like healing, words that had no specifics until they aligned with your intentions until you found its meaning, how careless are we enough to believe things if not for who we are, for ourselves first, can we not seek this much, I hear this statement so often and I wonder about the love they have in them first, the dreams they have given life, I remember moments like the milestones we take deep breaths after, how close we are to achieving something we have manifested for so long, how good this feeling is, that it is both real and out of this world, when we mention words like love and someone else why is it so hard to see, I mean like we tell ourselves it doesn’t exist when we are seeing it come to life in so many people, we must understand outcomes like timing and love, see its attention to detail and notice its perks, who says these words know the bitter taste it leaves in its mouth, between clenched teeth, has been here before, is both unrequited and swear to leave this feeling alone, to never know about its meaning, when we question words like love in all forms we are confirming notion of its opposites, we are denying facts based on heartbeats, on a changing person, we are allowed to change, we are allowed to heal and move, love is not conforming it does not have strict synonyms it will eat the alphabet alive then rearrange its meaning just for you, be careful with perception, the mind is both the truth and a liar, your heart is both armor and silly, trust in your intuition, be honest with your body, you’re coming out of a closed state this way too, lean in to learn yourself to choose love over its definition too, can you hear me okay back there too.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

Honey honey, honyed.| 13.3.19

Come in, honeyed lips dripping from a sweet scent this is what it has come to, in response to your words no I don’t know how to do that, I have been here once before and it lost my words on purpose and this time I am him, mirrored words that a line on palms our hands held together that night I never would have thought this is what I would come to, I am a dying mess of you, this is all your sweet fault, even when you say you fear it I am still here what I’m I doing here, I spilt my own thoughts now I’m left with its certainty, god I’ve been here before where I didn’t want to give it a name but the feeling was so lucky I felt my heart ache, is this heartbreak, say I’ve been here into this feeling falling from the sky this way, I want to tell you please don’t let go, beg with my hands behind my back for you to come back to me, patience is something I am learning for you too, you’re taking space into me and I don’t know how to stop it where is this all coming from, after all that phone call clinged onto me like assurance of my feeling and your honesty, learn me what you said when we were first meeting, I want it all, you tell me you’ve changed not knowing this is who I wanted to know this whole year, lately we’re so afraid of our feelings more than we are of the meaning, the body can not handle all that love, what is that feeling again the one where you don’t understand why, how hearing their voice is enough, how they are enough, when did words become so easy for you, they over share out of your comfort you’re a breakdown for love, two too many, I’m I only lost words, a memory of a feeling, have the souls reversed, sometimes I can’t tell, will you call me again so I can hear your voice just to be sure, I’m scared too, I want to hold both of us, I will never leave you, trust my heart, when have I ever not peeled back my skin for you, this is no wonder, come to me, I will love us both when you find the words to tell me, I am learning patience, I don’t know how to call it this way, I will protect my heart and listen to my body this way too, I have mantras from galaxies back from Jupiter healing me this way too, you’re a long found planet, and I am a curious focus, which is also another way of exclaiming a long list of optimistic metaphors that are still unfinished but shuffled, you want to understand my mind I will share with you all its love come closer I only have you in my mind anyway, I am learning patience, wish my planet luck.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

2.3.19 |cherry

You know too often we get caught glancing, chances thrown at us and we can’t help but ignore them, and I’ve been thinking, should we always risk these kinds of forces, I mean like how often is it we get to make a choice that could give and take so easily, you know what I’m talking about, the ones that are not always as clear or empathetic when it comes to these people, you’ll meet a part of yourself that is telling you to listen to your body knowing very well your mind feels and your heart thinks as if this couldn’t have been anymore simpler, late last night I was looking at planets from bed, closed my eyes for a moment your name in here is this another way to uncomplicate and this just got even more painful, carrying uncertainty is almost like dragging a body, is also like telling yourself you’re worth care and love without the self, still honoring its tradition giving hope with no strings attached this the last effort for your mind to breathe at ease, ready to call home, selfish reasons for you, sometimes, they have to learn what its like to live without a loving mind and careful heart, the ones that claim it are appropriate to this type 4, call home and ask them to hold the door open for your return this is the final downpour, ask the sky to rain down on you, beg it to scare, so you learn to never go back, to drown far from this feeling for something new, treat yourself to take your own breath away you already know what to do, don’t let me repeat it mindless times, go, now.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

3.3.19 | For sad girls and lonely boys, the uncut version

For sad girls and lonely boys, a dedication to hearts that are left uncharted, sweetly melting away at rituals of beauty marks that divine themselves, a meditative state of how our minds ethics work the honeyed ways our hearts chime are we the lost and found within ourselves first, follow paths that bring out the worst of ourselves only to heal ourselves, for those who listen to their heartbeats on reply, those who pay attention to the mind and wonder into its spaces only to find themselves, who easily get lost in silence and smile about all the awkward sensible times they have stumbled into self-love and smiled at its wonders, that have confessed so many times only because they follow hearts that also remind them of sad girls and lonely boys if not most of all the time, the ones who write letters to themselves and throw away all the evidence in trust of the spring breeze, who sit in cars on rainy days falling at ease and sometimes asleep in its comfort, who chase the sun in warm transition days only to wait for the rain to also join in, drink homemade ice tea without the straw, leave the light on at night and watch the dark silver sky, swear they know bliss, know who they love first, the uncanny of winter is not the cold weather but the way it also cradles, a broken love song, has a reason for it all, will tell you love and life is the same but not really, doesn’t understand rules, will say things that have been felt not knowing where to begin first, will let you feel your mind then allow you to speak your heart and ask you the opposites of what has been said, understand we are all mindfully different and still try to help you understand her heart, and mind, are the only addiction that is ever in the centre of her whole existence, will say to you do you see the beauty in everyone too, believes empathy is more than its definition, has an attention spam of a gold fish or two on most days, on good days I am enough, I will always return to this moment right here, this is where I would want to exist ready for all the oceans I am not ready to admit my name.

Poetry: Melody of Being Animate

1.3.19 – 2.3.19 | CO2 + H2O + heat energy

You speak harsh words with my pulse with my heart tucked behind your tongue a few words there is no entrance, there is no more space for that kind of dependency here, you’re lost air, we travel so far for hearts that trick fire into needing them, brave blue flames that circle its vicinity I have burnt everything that does not serve my highest being, we do not settle into breaths, loves air is enough to share, being empathetic is not a weakened thing for lost souls that have struck enough times in the name of love, blue of all these hearts learned to ash them into the air, magic tricks are not new here, we know to cast spells mantras to self this way you burn flames that have mastered fearless freedom who would even dare no young dumb shit here, let them come, come correct, let them come to me even then when flowers are not enough and you crave something that was so hard to live without, I remind myself that I have lived without air for so long they are no longer welcome into this home, I have wished long enough for this season to love sick out of my home, I can feel the way my body still craves air like I could need hands that are not mine and familiar about the places air has touched, air takes my breath away and I am a willful prisoner to his strength, air doesn’t know this yet but I meant every love potion I said even when air was not ready, who could love you so hard this way anyway, find your way back to me, I hope you lose yourself the way I once did too, I hope the wind takes you under its currents and you fight for your way to me, funny is me trying to write you after you had gone your taste still in my mouth how careless a lost presence flowered weeds burnt at my feet, a rainy spring is air spell bound, carried away by this home, there is smoke where you used to touch, these days I can not feel your breath here if I tried, I tell myself do not leave the door open this way this is how flames get put out easily too, all that’s left, is all in memory of a feeling.

Article #4: What do you do in situations that break the body? Infj-p self help perspective.

I’m so scared right now. You know when you know that the things that you know just aren’t going to happen to you, and you are sure that these things can not and will not happen to people like you forgetting you’re not the only loyal, honest, thoughtful, respectful person walking this life time regardless of how few. Yea.

Today (third day now) has been rough in terms of love, mental health and overall health. I like to think of myself as someone who is not so terrible in these situations and all I need is proactive advice, space, and time for myself. Let me explain.

When I found out this situation happened to me like most it was an immediate flash of disbelieve and there must be another reason. This narrative is honestly just a semi calculated breather of what I do and did with situations that I feel make me struggle with reasonable response, solution and over all well-being.

So the first thing I want do to when I notice something is wrong is of two things. One, listen to my body and two, seek the professional help needed. It’s so easy in our generation nowadays to Google a self research in these situations, and don’t get me wrong you’re being proactive for your body and that’s a healthy trait. However, it’s when you start to settle for this kind of help is when it becomes unhealthy. Remember, the internet will always be a black hole ambiguous answer engine, when even from the begin, you are unsure about what your body is trying to communicate with you. So be mindful to listen to your body, and seek professional attention.

The second urgency for me after I’ve listened to my body and seeked professional help, is to have some space. This could mean either having some one I love and trust wholeheartedly to talk to, to wanting my own personal space for my mental health to come to terms with the situation. I honestly switch up between the two interms of order because that’s what helps me the most, considering I’m a fairly private person. Just to sum up the second point, communication with some one you love and trust as well as what will personally help you whether it be time alone, or even speaking to your psychologist. This part is customizable, it’s acting as a segway for you to a healthy alternative reliever.

Then the final thing for me personally after I’ve done all these steps in order, is connect with myself in a loving way. You may know this more clearly as self love and self care. The reason why I put this under these two definitions is because it’s so easy when we are in an unfamiliar situation and head space to start to look at the situation in ways that are damaging to our self love and care; And these head spaces are very dangerous to the body in three parts. One your mind, two your body, and three your core. When I say core I’m stressing characteristics that are important to you and help shape who you are like core values, core beliefs and/or faith and more. For me alone time means to rekindle and remind myself the importance of worth, love, and care. I take time to help the love and care for myself as infinitely as I am able by acknowledging I am in no way perfect, that this is another pivotal learning stage in my life and that it will continue to shape me into a more kinder and diligent person. Not only for myself, but also for people whom I care about the most too. Because I understand I love to also help others find these types of life lessons too, as well as what’s the point of knowledge, if you can’t share it. Also I’m learning over all health also means internal health, being mindful of what I choose to put into my body without being too harsh on it’s soul.

Just to beautifully some up this breather. One, listen to your body and seek professional attention, two, take time in your own way everybody is talented different and lastly. Self love and self care is so important do not ever take yourself for granted. YOU IS SMART! YOU IS KIND AND MOST OF ALL YOU IS LOYAL!!! You’re only human so be gentle with your body, and remember perfection is unattainable and does not exist, because to us all perfection is an indifferent perspective and as good of a stereotypical statemeant and/or judgement as “good choices in society’s standards.” I’ll let that sink in.

“Thank you for reading.” _fh